Category Archives: Around the League

Dodgers Decline Todd Coffey’s Option


I can’t wait til we maybe see Coffey (barely) fit into one of our jerseys again.

As a devastating force hits the Northeast, another even more unstoppable force hits free agency. Todd Coffey is officially a free agent after the Dodgers declined his $2.5 million option earlier today. Some would call it an easy move, considering Coffey underwent Tommy John and will be out until after the All-Star Break. But these people are foolish.

Too many people rely on new fangled statistics to determine a player’s worth. Like WAR, and FIP, and games played. But I really value a player by how much heart he has. And Todd Coffey has the most heart in the majors. Sure he might just sit on our bench, tweeting pro-Romney things and then claiming it was a friend’s kid as we wait for him to actually pitch in a game. But his presence alone will propel this team towards victory. Or into a constant orbit around him. One of those two things.

I hope the Nationals make the right choice and bring back Todd Coffey. We miss you, Todd.

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Roger Clemens is Back in “Baseball”


An up-to-date photo of Roger.

Roger Clemens has signed with the independent league Sugar Land Skeeters, and will likely pitch this Saturday. People are unsure as to why Clemens, 50, is making a comeback at this time. Is it for publicity? Is it for a comeback? Or is it cause he needs to be around people to help chew his food for him so he can swallow it?

It’s exciting to see Roger Clemens back in baseball. Apparently he was throwing 87 mph, which makes him much too good for the independent leagues, so he will likely succeed.

People are curious as to if Clemens wants to make a major league comeback, if only briefly, to reset his Hall of Fame chances. He’s currently grouped in with a class that includes Barry Bonds and other players suspect for their steroid use. By playing professional ball again, he could delay his potential induction by a few years, and perhaps sneak his way in. If not, he could just actually sneak his way in and hold up a handmade plaque around his face during visiting hours.

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What Was in That Melk?

“Have you ever taken any performance enhancing drugs, Melky?”
“Thank you.”

The Melkman has delivered a 50 game suspension to himself.

Melky Cabrera has been suspended for 50 games, effective immediately, for testing positive for testosterone. Probably his best defense at this point is that he has elevated levels of testosterone because he has sex with so many many porn stars. If that’s not the explanation and he is actually guilty, you might wonder how someone could be so stupid as to take steroids given Major League Baseball’s seemingly effective drug testing program. The answer is probably just that some people are very stupid and Melky Cabrera is one of them.

The “effective immediately” clause means he won’t be playing against the Nats this afternoon, which is clearly good news as he’s hit pretty well against Washington this season. It’s less good news for the Giants, who don’t have that many other good hitters and will have to cope with knowing that one of their best offensive performers was cheating the whole time. That will be truly difficult for the city of San Francisco overcome, as they have never had to deal with something like this befo-

Oh, wait, never mind. I think they’ll be fine.

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Jordan Zimmermann: NL Pitcher of the Month

Jordan Zimmermann has won the NL Pitcher of the Month award for July, becoming the third Nationals pitcher this season to win this monthly accolade. Being the third one to do it is something Jordan knows well, being the last to reach puberty amongst his brothers.

Jordan went 4-0 with a 0.97 ERA and a 0.84 whip in 37 IP in July. Jordan is very used to small numbers, which coupled with being a late bloomer, probably also contributed to his being the last one to do it. But Jordan has clearly overcome personal inadequacies and gotten the job done, probably since he’s so good at using his hands.

Hopefully Edwin and Ross are inspired to do better to join their rotation mates as pitchers of the month. I don’t think they want to settle for silver, because gold is so much more prestigious. It also has a higher resale value, just in case they end up like Lenny Dykstra.

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How the Nationals Did in the All-Star Game

Strasburg laughs when Verlander is announced as the All-Star starter.

The National League has won the All-Star Game by a score of 8-0. It was the most exciting All-Star game since never. It was very uninteresting. But despite this lack of entertainment, three of the Nationals star players made their Nationals All-Star debuts; Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper. Ian Desmond was made an All-Star as well, but was kept far away from the stadium for the fear that he would try to engage teammates in polite conversation. Few wanted that.

So how did each of the Nationals do in the game?

Continue reading

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Johan Santana Throws First Mets No-Hitter


I imagine his post-game celebration will ultimately culminate here.

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Philip Humber Throws Perfect Game, Former Nats Help Out


Alexei Ramirez may claim this was celebratory, but Humber really smelled quite awful.
(Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)

Philip Humber threw the 21st perfect game in MLB history today. What a dominant and unexpected pitching performance it was. But almost every pitcher will say that he couldn’t have accomplished something so momentous without his teammates. And some of his teammates were former Nationals. It’s nice to know that some of our old players were important contributors to a historic event like this. Let’s look at all the former Nats who helped Humber reach perfection today.

  • Adam Dunn: 0-4, 1 strikeout.

What an important factor. We should be sad to have let him go.

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All of Baseball Wearing 42 Today


A true obesity baseball pioneer.