Category Archives: Coaches

Nationals Fire Rick Eckstein

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Taken shortly after the firing, before the murdering spree.

The Nationals have tried to fix their offensive woes by firing Rick Eckstein. It was a decision made by Mike Rizzo that greatly saddened Davey Johnson. Johnson was quoted as saying, “I’ve experienced a lot of things in my career. I’ve been traded, I’ve been released, I’ve seen a lot of dinosaurs, I was there for all the crusades, but today is arguably the toughest day I’ve had in baseball.”

Rick Eckstein will be irreplaceable. In that nobody could possibly lead this team to as abysmal an offensive output as he is. Sure it might be unfair to completely blame Eckstein, but he’s so small. It’s not like he could beat us up or anything for saying bad things about him.

To replace Eckstein, the team has brought up Rick Schu, the minor league hitting coordinator. I thought Rick was a Schu in to replace Eckstein, and clearly I was right. I just hope he doesn’t give us reason to Schu him off any time soon.

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Nats Hire Tony Tarasco as 1B Coach, Promote Trent Jewett to 3B

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I hope he doesn’t get mad everytime the first baseman snags the ball before he’s able to.

Per Bill Ladson, the Nationals have hired former major leaguer Tony Tarasco to coach first base next season. How could the Nationals be so foolish. In our war against the Phillies, why are we bringing in the relative of one of them?

That’s right. Tony Tarasco is the cousin of…Jimmy Rollins.

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Davey Johnson Coming Back

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Once Rizzo saw the back of Davey’s head, he knew he was the right man for the job.

Davey Johnson is coming to back to manage the Nationals 2013. In what always seemed like the inevitable, Davey signed a contract to remain at the team’s helm for one more year. I never thought he would go anywhere else. Since he lost his walker, and it’s very hard for a man his age to move around.

Johnson was already contracted to be an advisor to the team for 2013 and 2014, but will remain manager for one year before retiring from on-field duty and joining the front office. He cited “unfinished business” as part of the reason he chose to come back. I’m assuming this unfinished business is a constant stream of leaking urine and feces. Again, a man this old has certain troubles, in this case controlling his bowels.

All joking aside, I’m very happy to have Davey back. All joking present, I’m very happy to have Methuselah back. I have no doubt he’ll lead this team in a similarly successful way to last year.

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