Category Archives: Harper 2012

Glorious Leader Bryce Harper Makes the All-Star Team

Harper found out that he made the team in the middle of an at-bat. The ensuing celebratory dance and song delayed the game for half an hour, and brought many in the crowd to tears with its beauty.

Bryce Harper is an All-Star. Our efforts to get him elected, efforts that at one time seemed to have failed, clearly turned out successful, as Bryce is now on the team.

However, it wasn’t exactly democracy that helped Harper make the team. No, it was something a little more troubling. Bryce was placed on the team in a position of great power, replacing Giancarlo Stanton. Stanton was suspiciously injured, opening the door for a select group of powerful men like Tony LaRussa to pick whoever they so desired to fill that void.

It all seems a little off. Harper is not the choice of the people, but rather those who hold power over the people. As much as I love Harper, this was not democracy in action. This is the beginning of a dictatorship over baseball led by Bryce Harper. Well I have one thing to say about that…

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Bryce Harper Concedes

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Delivering the concession speech.

Just a few hours ago, Bryce Harper lost the election to the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star team. Many who put a great deal of work into campaigning for Bryce surely feel hurt at this time. But Bryce is a gracious loser, who has accepted the fact that David Freese won the vote. Below is the concession speech that Bryce delivered just moments ago.

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Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Chipper Jones Out of All-Star Final Vote

Chipper Jones tries to explain away the ground-up human flesh in the garbage. His bat is not convinced.

Whether because he was named as a replacement to the All-Star team for the injured Matt Kemp or because he’s too ashamed to face the scrutiny of voters now that he’s been exposed as a mass-murderer (who can really say), Chipper Jones has dropped out of the NL All-Star Final Vote. This undoubtedly increases the odds of Bryce Harper. He has one less competitor and, in particular, one less competitor who’s likely to kill him and feed his corpse to a woodchipper. So that’s good news all around.

The only man remaining ahead of Harper in the vote is David Freese. So keep voting for Bryce and ‘freese’ David’s vote total right where it is.*

*Note: a vote for Bryce does not necessarily constitute a vote for that pun, which you might not have liked. You probably shouldn’t have liked it if you did.

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Liveblogging Soon-to-be All-Star Bryce Harper’s At-Bats Tonight

Bryce Harper just saw Livan Hernandez crush Danny Espinosa in a sumo wrestling match. Literally.

Bryce Harper will remind everyone why he is the only correct choice for the NL All-Star Final Vote tonight. Stay tuned to find out why everything he does is further evidence for the fact that you are morally and legally obliged to vote for him. Continue reading

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David Freese vs. Jesus

Take down the current leader. Vote for Harper here.

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Bryce Harper: Range We Can Believe In

Every good candidate needs a good slogan, and we’ve found one for Bryce Harper’s campaign for the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star Team. “Range We Can Believe In” evokes both the powerful emotions that people felt during Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign and the even more powerful emotions that people feel every time they see Bryce Harper running really far to catch a baseball.

So make yard signs, bumper stickers, facebook groups, shirts. Write it in bathrooms, at the top of your PhD theses; use airplanes to write it in the sky, and massive space paint-cannons to write it on the moon. Let everyone know that they have a new reason to hope, and it’s Bryce Harper’s ability to run down balls in the gap.

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