Category Archives: Injuries

Wilson Ramos Breaks His Hand On Opening Day


Jose, don’t look so sad. You’re our starter now.

Despite a miraculous an inevitable comeback win vs. the Mets on Opening Day, news for the Nationals isn’t all good. James Wagner reports that Wilson Ramos left today’s game with a broken hand.

This injury marks the earliest appearance of the Curse of the Catcher in a regular season game. While we don’t know how long Ramos will be out for, we do know that Jose Lobaton is about to stuffed down our throats. So if you’re already eating something, finish chewing it quickly.

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Erik Davis Called Up, Harper to DL, Rendon to AAA


So he’s just Clippard without glasses?

After much speculation, a series of moves have taken place for the Nationals which threaten to reshape the game of baseball as we know it. Reshape in a very small way, like maybe make a half a millimeter dent in it.

Firstly, the Nationals called up relief pitcher Erik Davis. Unfortunately this is not former ballplayer Eric Davis, but it would’ve been silly to think it was. They look so different. Erik is 6’2″ 190 lbs, while Eric is 6’2″ 165 lbs.

Erik has put up solid numbers in Syracuse this season, and will be a welcome addition to a shaky Nationals pen. We’ve gotta do our best to make sure our pen isn’t as shaky down the line. We might get points off for poor penmanship.

To make room for Erik, the team put Bryce Harper on the DL. Now I know you might be very depressed, thinking that Harper’s career could end up being plagued with injuries, but let me tell you this. Every year, over 7 million children die from starvation. I just thought you should know. Since you’re already depressed about Harper, I figured it wouldn’t bum you out any worse.

Lastly, with room in Syracuse, the Nats promoted Anthony Rendon to AAA. Word has it that Rendon will try his hand at 2B, meaning that Danny Espinosa might be in trouble. I would tell him to shape up at some point this season or we’ll hand him his walking papers, but since he doesn’t walk we might have to try and find a new way to get rid of him.

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Nationals Promote Nate Karns, Detwiler to DL


Some pitchers scare hitters with their fastball. But Karns scares hitters by reminding them what could happen to their bite if they don’t wear their retainers.

Nate Karns will be called up to start Tuesday’s game vs. the Orioles. So break out your Austin Kearns jerseys and hope that everyone in attendance has dyslexia, because he deserves your support. Just don’t spend any money on him until he proves he’s better than Austin Kearns was.

It’s about time we had the Karnival come to town, because this team is not very fun to watch sometimes. Hopefully we can just sit back and enjoy some candy dipped baseballs but NO roller coasters. Please, no more roller coasters Karns. We have to deal with them every day when our bullpen comes in to pitch.

The promotion corresponds with the team finally placing Detwiler on the DL. Detwiler had been dealing with an oblique strain for quite some time, but the team was hoping that we would find out that Ross could simply have his oblique removed and we could all move on healthily. Because seriously, what does the oblique do besides sideline baseball players? I think all doctors should just remove them at birth.

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Zimmerman Activated, Rendon Optioned


Despite a glowing recommendation from Tony Tarasco, Rendon’s assets were not enough to keep on the big league roster.

Do you feel healthier? Has your inflammation gone away? Is that rash cleared up? Have your nipples shrunk back to less than the size of a novelty McDonald’s Hercules plate? Well that’s because your Rendonitis has subsided, for now. Ryan Zimmerman has rejoined the Nationals, leaving no place currently for Rendon and his infectious existence.

For a long time I thought there was no cure for Rendonitis, but clearly it is Ryan Zimmerman. So the next time you get an infection thought to be incurable, take 1 Ryan Zimmerman and it may help. Orally or rectally, whatever floats your boat.

Rendon will be back before long and we’ll all get sick again. But for now we have the return of our other Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here). Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here)ia is running wild in Natstown, and might be even more infectious than Rendonitis. If you start tearing your Nationals shirt down the middle and growing bleached blonde handlebar mustaches, try taking 1 Anthony Rendon and see if that cures you.

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Rendon Called Up, Zimmerman to DL


The sad man to the left of Rendon was certain he was next in line to play 3B instead of Anthony.

Ryan Zimmerman going to the DL has become an event for celebration in Natstown. Sure, Ryan going down is always a blow to the team. But with every Zimmerman injury comes an exciting new prospect to the major league squad. Last year was Harper, and this year is Anthony Rendon. Pretty soon, anytime a Nats fan wants a top prospect to be called up, they’ll probably pull a Tonya Harding type thing with Zimmerman.

Who knows when Zimmerman will return. What we do know is that Rendon’s debut is right around the corner. Does this news make you pained and uncomfortable? No, that’s not because you’re worried about how ready Rendon is. It’s because you’ve got Rendonitis.

We mentioned Rendonitis a while ago, claiming that a cure was to put Rendon on the ML roster. Oddly enough, I still feel pain with regards to Desmond erring, so clearly that was not the solution. It is clear to me that Rendonitis is an incurable disease that will rapidly spread throughout all the Nats faithful. So get ready for a disease that never goes away, because trust me, it’ll be worth it. Wouldn’t you give a lung for a home run? I would.

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Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured? Wilson Ramos Injury Edition


“I’ll take one injury please.”

Wilson Ramos is injured and going to the DL. It’s time for another edition of “Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured?”

Wilson Ramos: Ramos has a strained left hamstring, but the team believes that he could only miss the minimum amount of time on the DL. Well I believe that JFK was assassinated by a lobster that clamped down on a trigger accidentally, but a lot of people call me crazy for that.

Kurt Suzuki: Suzukis never break down, as long as you maintain them properly. That’s why the team changes Suzuki’s oil every few weeks.

Jhonatan Solano: Solano returns to the team with Ramos going down. He had to be hogtied and carried by a bunch of heavies since he resisted and screamed “Don’t take me back! I like my health! My legs are fine and don’t change it!” But there was no success in resisting.

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Zimmerman and Tracy Undergo Arthroscopic Surgery


Ryan’s was to take care of that bad underbite.

Two Nationals underwent arthroscopic surgery on Thursday. It can be certainly be scary when our franchise player undergoes any sort of surgery, but it seems that Chad Tracy will end up just fine.

Oh yeah, Ryan too.

Zimmerman underwent surgery on his shoulder which had plagued him for much of the season. However he excelled after getting cortisone shots throughout the year. I don’t know if the surgery was necessary, I think living on the edge of something severe was working well for Ryan. As long as he could just get a shot and make things better. Much like the many people having unprotected sex throughout the 60s.

Ryan is expected to recover in 6 weeks, which is good for him. With the pain of blowing the NLDS surely to stick around long after then, he will finally be able to lift his arm to his face without pain to wipe away the tears. Physical pain that is. The emotional scarring will last forever.

Chad is expected to make a full recovery from surgery on his knee by spring training. Again, why fix it? Having bad knees has worked well for pinch hitters in the past.

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Sean Burnett to Undergo Surgery


Probably to get that cancerous lump removed. Otherwise known as his throwing arm.

Well, here’s the first story of the offseason. And what better way to kick off a miserable wait for baseball again than with a story about Sean Burnett. Sean is set to have a bone spur removed, which people are saying might have impacted his performance in the Division Series. I don’t think it did. He was as bad as I expected.

The team has a mutual option for next season, so it’s an uncertainty as to if Burnett will be back in Washington next season. He’s spent four long years here, half the team’s existence. What will happen to Washington without him? Well, property values will probably skyrocket, with potential homeowners not having to worry anymore about Sean doing what he does best. If this is the last we’ve seen of Sean, then let me just say one final thing to him…

Sean. You will be missed. By the many Washington fans looking for players to hold accountable for this loss.

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Henry Rodriguez has Surgery


I’m not sure surgery was necessary. Maybe just adjusting the antenna for a clearer picture.

Henry Rodriguez is out for the season after undergoing elbow surgery today. I hope the surgery was a success, but knowing Henry’s luck, the doctor probably jabbed him with a scalpel a few feet away from the desired target and messed everything up.

H-Rod was a tremendous closer at the beginning of the year but fell on hard times due to his inaccurate pitching. Doctors now say he won’t be able to pick up a ball for three months, which will make adjusting his boxers very uncomfortable for a while.

Hopefully he rebounds just like his pitches rebounded off the backstop over and over.

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Giolito to Have Tommy John on August 31


He may need elbow surgery, but he certainly doesn’t need liposuction. Look at that slim waist!

Nationals first round pick Lucas Giolito needs Tommy John. When asked for comment, John said that he doesn’t get why so many people need him, but it sure is a confidence boost.

It’s a sad announcement to be made, but one many people saw coming. The Nationals knew the risk when drafting Giolito, after a careful in depth analysis from Ben Stiller. The team and fans alike are hoping that the surgery will be good for Giolito, especially this early in his career. It’s worked

Just look at Strasburg. Now back at Giolito. Now back at Strasburg. Now back at Giolito. Sadly, Giolito isn’t Strasburg. But if he needs massive reconstructive elbow surgery and has Tommy John, he could pitch like Strasburg. Look down, look back up. Where are you? You’re in the stadium with the man Giolito could pitch like. What’s in your hand, back at Strasburg. He has it, it’s a mitt with two tickets to that team you love. Look again, the tickets are now World Series trophies. Anything is possible when Giolito pitches like Strasburg and not a lady. I’m on a Morse.

Hopefully it’s successful.

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