Category Archives: Lidge’s Sacrificial Offerings

A Funeral Oration for Brad Lidge

Dear friends, relatives, strangers, Phillies fans, Albert Pujols, and people who only got here by googling Pericles for a high school history paper,

We gather here today to signify the passing into oblivion of a man. Not a great man. Not even really a decent man. Not the worst man, probably, but certainly not that far above the bottom of the man-barrel. You know the man as “Brad Lidge,” but to his closest friends and teammates he was known as…also “Brad Lidge.”

His closest friends and teammates were the only people who didn’t actively walk away when he moved near them.

As I’m sure you are all aware, Brad was designated for assignment by the Nationals on Sunday. Assignment to where? Maybe a prison. Maybe a black hole. Maybe a time machine to the Ice Age. No one cares.

It doesn’t even matter anymore, because Brad Lidge took matters into his own hands. As I’m sure none of you are aware, Brad was a very pious man. He believed deeply that if he could only please the deity Poseidon, he would have success on the baseball field and happiness in his life. But he was never able to find the right offering to give to his master. He tried ugly livestock, his sculpted fecal droppings, plague-ridden rodents, a mug supporting sea-ruiners, and even his own rookie card. Brad never understood why Poseidon hated all his disgusting, offensive and worthless gifts. Continue reading

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Brad Lidge Gets Surgery

This is what happens.

Brad Lidge had shoulder surgery yesterday to repair a sports hernia and will likely be unavailable for about a month. What brought about this injury? Oh, I dunno, maybe the fact that his offering to Poseidon on the day he got injured was an “I ♥ British Petroleum” mug. Sigh.

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Brad Lidge Gives Shitty Pregame Sacrifice, Blows First Save as a National

Brad Lidge, producing today's sacrifice

Brad Lidge woke up this morning and realized he didn’t have any animals at the ready to sacrifice. He was feeling kinda lazy and didn’t want to go to the store or zoo to get one. So he went to the bathroom, fished around in the toilet for some poop that he forgot to flush the night before, and molded it into the shape of a cow. “Oh, I bet Poseidon doesn’t really pay attention to these things. He just sees the shape of an animal and accepts it.”

WRONG. You idiot, Brad Lidge. You ungodly, impious fool. You thought Poseidon would be okay with you sacrificing your own shit before a baseball game? No. Now you made Poseidon make Ryan Zimmerman look bad by having him miss that groundball down the third base line and spoiled Gio Gonzelez’s perfectly beautiful work.


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Brad Lidge’s Mediocre Opening Day Sacrifice Deemed Barely Sufficient by Gods

As we previously discussed, ever since a certain incident involving Albert Pujols, Brad Lidge has been a devout polytheist. Before every game he makes a sacrifice to Poseidon, god of the sea, earthquakes, horses, and the 9th inning. The morning of opening day, Lidge took his portable sacrificial alter, snuck it into the bathroom in the Wrigley Field clubhouse, and unsheathed his ceremonial dagger. The slaughteree: some really old pig with weird spots and a hacking cough that looked like it was about to die anyway.

I wouldn't really want this sacrificed in my name.

That uddered monstrosity was good enough, as Lidge ended up getting the save. Poseidon would clearly like better things from Lidge in the future, though. With one out in the bottom of the ninth, he imbued Ian Stewart with the power to crush a ball to right field, but then took pity on poor Lidge and nudged the wind to push the ball just enough back towards the field for Jayson Werth to horribly misplay it into a triple. Stewart was cut down at home on the next play, and the Sea Lord mercifully granted Lidge a save and the Nats a win.

Try and sacrifice something less horribly ugly next time, Brad. Poseidon might not be so forgiving again.

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