Category Archives: Player Profiles

2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Zach Duke

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The Duke and his jester pass judgment.

In honor of Zach Duke Week here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we present to you the final 2012 Nationals Player Profile of 2012: the Dukester himself.

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Brrr-brrrr-brrrr-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (a trumpet heralds the arrival of Zack Duke, Duke of Zachs) 

Court Master: Welcome, one and all, to the court of the Duke of Zachs. The Duke will hear all of your petitions today. Know that the righteous will be treated with fairness and generosity, but the deceivers will receive their due punishment.

The first petitioner may step forward.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Christian Garcia

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Christian Garcia autograph sessions are a popular event.

There are many Garcias in baseball, but only one who is a true Christian. Only one who has found the true path to success. Some Garcias like Freddy believe that the path to true enlightenment is through throwing an 80 mph fastball. Others like Karim believe that fighting groundskeepers is what we were put on this earth to do. But our Garcia knows the true path to success. The Christian way, which in his case involves meandering about in the minors for nearly a decade and reaching minimal fame.

We must all follow Garcia’s example, and live our lives the way he has lived his. To do this, I present to you this form of Christianity’s version of the 10 Commandments.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Cesar Izturis

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Hail Cesar!

Cesar may be gone now, but his time with the Nationals was an important one. Here I will discuss the things Cesar accomplished during his time here.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Kurt Suzuki

Kurt Suzuki never looks anyone in the eyes because his only goal in life is to never lose a staring contest.

The Kurt Suzuki Rap (Not Very Good)

Yo

Yo yo yo yo

Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnh

My name is Kurt Suzuki
Got an arm like a bazook-I
But my bat’s more like a wet pool noodle

I love long walks on the beach
Letting out a primal screech
Scarfing down a plate of warm apple streudel

Share my last name with Ichiro
But don’t expect me to be your hero
No I don’t really deserve to be annointed

Though I might get some caught stealings
You’ll just end up with hurt feelings
And then cry yourself to sleep so disappointed Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Mike Gonzalez

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Mike often finds himself getting into fights with his imaginary friend Tulio.

Mike Gonzalez is a true lefty specialist. At times appearing for just a single batter, Gonzalez’s role on this team is an important yet limited one. To honor his often brief but successful appearances, I will write him a player profile that fits that very mold. This will be brief, yes, but it will do as good a job of explaining who Mike Gonzalez is as it can in this short amount of time it is given. Just like Mike.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Corey Brown

Corey Brown gets ready for his first day of middle school (he was held back a lot).

Corey Brown is the most consistent player on the Nationals. Last year, he was 0-3. This year, he’s 0-3.

Consistency is a lifestyle for Corey. He is a firm believer that keeping to a regular schedule is the best way to maintain his sanity in this crazy world.

For instance, every morning, he wakes up three minutes too late and misses his bus. As he walks out his door, he always stubs his toe on the slightly protruding doorframe. For lunch, he makes himself a grilled cheese sandwich that he burns just enough so it tastes bad. He gets in the shower before the water heats up enough every time, and invariably has to jump out again, shivering. When he has sex with girls after games, he makes sure they’re 14 years old.

Gotta be consistent. Can’t start changing up the age of girls he has sex with now. Who knows what might happen.

One might accuse Corey Brown of not learning from his mistakes. But there’s something admirable about staying true to yourself, not abandoning the way you do things just because it’s inconvenient, painful, unpleasant, or illegal.

Or useless to the Nationals. Here’s to another 0-3 season in 2013.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Bryce Harper

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He’s the one on the left, I think.

Our series of player profiles has taken something unique about each member of the Nationals roster and formed it into some sort of longform comedic passage. Sometimes it’s been tricky to find something to write about, but we’ve had great success in doing so.

With just a few players that have played for the Nationals this season who we haven’t profiled, I thought it’s finally time to look at Bryce Harper. Going back to the struggle we’ve had with some players to find something to talk about, we all know that when it comes to Bryce Harper…

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Carlos Maldonado

If you could see the expression on Maldonado’s face, you would be looking at a face of abject glee bordering on mild orgasm.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine that you’re Carlos Maldonado. It can’t be easy being Carlos Maldonado. It’s tough to make a good first impression, because everyone’s first impression of you is going to be that you’re bad. First of all, the Nationals started the season with three people they’d rather have at catcher than you, and a fourth who has taken your backup job now that you’re on the disabled list. That’s bad. Second, the first syllable of your last name literally means “bad.” That’s also bad. Third, you’re actually pretty bad at baseball for someone who plays baseball for their job. So that’s definitely bad. You must have a very hard time convincing people who you meet that you’re not just a generally bad human being.

Now, let’s say you have a crush on that really cute girl who cleans your uniform. You see her at a bar after a game, and you go up to chat. She asks, “So, what do you do?” You tell her that you play baseball. She says, “Oh, what a coincidence! I clean baseball players’ uniforms! Are you good?” Now you’re in a real bind. You could lie and tell her you’re good because she doesn’t seem to know much about baseball, but you’re a bad lier. You could tell her that you’re bad at baseball, except that you’re bad at self-deprecating humor. You know it’s all over. You turn around and trudge home. Another sad night in the life of Carlos Maldonado.

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