Category Archives: Player Profiles

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Sandy Leon

Five days later, the now-legendary Leon-Solano staring contest was called a draw when someone finally noticed that the two catchers were missing from normal team activities.

Sandy Leon is a promising young catcher who showed some batting skill in AA Harrisburg this year and figures to play an important role for the Nationals in the wake of the injury to Wilson –aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH SWEET MOTHER OF HANDS WRITERS CRAMP. OHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD FUCK ME ON A TURNSTILE THAT HURTS SO  MUCH SOMEONE PLEASE SHOVE MY HEAD IN A BUCKET OF LAVA TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT PAIN MAYBE I WILL WRITE MORE ABOUT SANDY LEON IN A FEW MONTHS WHEN I RECOVER FROM THIS HELLSPAWNED MUSCLE MISERY OR MAYBE NEVER BECAUSE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tagged , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ryan Zimmerman

Image

The answer we were looking for.

Yesterday in our series of player profiles, our Jordan Zimmermann profile was interrupted by a coded message of mysterious origin. Signed “ZIMMERMAN(N),” we assumed that perhaps Jordan was the one sending this message. However after exploring further, our questions about who really sent this message were answered.

As seen in the photo above, Ryan Zimmerman has a fondness for coded messages, including messages sent in Morse code as the t-shirts shows. While this message, or should I say telegram of sorts, came in a different code, the likely conclusion to make is that Ryan Zimmerman, given his fondness for encrypted transmissions, was part of the tandem behind this message. Jordan is obviously involved, given the transmission came through during his player profile. So what do the Zimmerman(n)s want to do? Well I think they are bracing for a rocky future.

The Zimmerman(n)s are preparing for chaos.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Jordan Zimmermann

Just a normal picture of Jordan Zimmermann for his normal player profile

2011 was Jordan Zimmermann’s first full season since returning from Tommy John surgery, and he put it to good use. Zimmermann was the best starting pitcher on the Nationals and demonstrated his potential as a future ace. He posted an impressive 3.18 ERA over 161 innings, backed up by a stellar K/BB ratio of 4.00. Zimmermann is poised to–wait, what’s that noise?

BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEP BEEP    BEEP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP

I apologize for the interruption. We have just intercepted a message of unknown origin and have submitted it to our decoding team for further inspection. It appears to be–oh god. Oh my goodness. This is…huge. You have to see this for yourself. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profiles: Brett Carroll/Chad Durbin/Chad Tracy/Ryan Mattheus

Image

Brad Tracheus, Nationals superstar.

As we noted yesterday, time for our player profiles is running out. The season begins on Thursday for the Nationals, but there are many more players to do profiles for that look to be making the Nationals’ roster. With our final two profiles set for the next two days reserved for some special players, we are faced with a tough choice.

As of now, it looks like Brett Carroll and Chad Tracy are going to make the team, while there is a competition between Chad Durbin and Ryan Mattheus for the last bullpen spot. Rather than choose one of these players to do today, I figured it made sense to combine all these players into one profile. So here we go.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Xavier Nady

If you own this card, you're not much better off than you would be if you didn't own this card.

Time is running out for the Nationals to set their final roster, and time is also running out for us to complete our series of 2012 Nationals Player Profiles before the regular season begins. Unfortunately, there are many more potential candidates for the Nationals roster than there are days for us to tell you all about each of them. So we have no choice but to try and enter the terrifying maze of depravity that is Davey Johnson’s mind and guess which players will be selected for the final opening day roster. It is certainly possible that within a few days Xavier Nady will be sent down to triple-A, released, traded, sold into slavery, or taken out behind Space Coast Stadium and shot, and this Player Profile will have been written in vain. But sometimes in life we have to take risks, from great risks like writing this post to small risks like drunk driving. So here goes.

When Xavier Nady’s wife emptied herself of a child on July 15, 2008, this newborn creature was named Xavier Henry Nady VII. No, Xavier Nady didn’t just add an extra name to the end of his son’s name that’s pronounced “veeeeeeeeeeee” and is capitalized for emphasis. There have actually been seven consecutive Nady couples who decided to name their male offspring “Xavier.” Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Rick Ankiel

Image

Ankiel having trouble escaping his dark past.

Rick Ankiel has come a long way in his baseball career. After going through some tough times as a pitcher, Ankiel has made his way back to being a centerfielder, with a great arm and power bat at times. The Nationals are lu————————-cky.

Huh, sorry. I didn’t mean to put the “cky” over there. It just slipped.

Continue reading

Tagged , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Roger Bernadina

Roger Bernadina needs a deadlier nickname.

Roger Bernadina, through the efforts of some enterprising and right-thinking Nats fans, has earned the nickname “the Shark” or “Sharkadina” for his abilities at tracking down baseballs in the outfield and subsequently tearing them to shreds with his teeth. Sadly, however, Bernadina has yet to put together the breakout offensive season that many Nats fans have hoped for. The problem may be that while sharks seem dangerous, fatalities due to shark attacks are actually extremely rare. In fact, there is only an average of about one shark-related death in the U.S. per year.

In order to inspire Roger to greater fearsomeness and offensive productivity, it may be time to give him a nickname that’s really dangerous. There are many things that kill more people than sharks which Roger could be nicknamed after. Here are some possible nicknames, along with home run calls that could accompany them: Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Gio Gonzalez

Iron Man felt a similar way, too shy to look at his idol directly.

Have you ever rode in an elevator with Gio Gonzalez? I have. And it was one of the best fucking experiences of my entire fucking life.

That moment meant more to me than anything I’ve ever done in my life up to this point. Graduating college? Nope. Working at my favorite TV show? Not a chance. Getting a picture with Jose Veras once? Maybe, but only ironically.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Chris Marrero

Chris Marrero is on the lookout for his uncle.

Baseball families are not an uncommon occurence in the MLB. From dynasties like Ray, Bob, Aaron and Brett Boone and Sammy, Jerry, Jerry Jr. and Scott Hairston to father-son combos like Ken Griffey Senior and Jr., Steve Lombardozzi and identically-named son, and Jackie Robinson and Matt Stairs (no one knows about this except Matt Stairs’ mother…not even Matt Stairs. so sssssh) What is less common is a family in which just an uncle and a nephew make it to the big leagues. That is the case for the Marrero family, however. Chris Marrero was the Nationals’ first round pick in 2006 and finally made it to the Show as a September call up last year, while his uncle Eli Marrero had a ten year career of backup catching for the Cardinals and then various other teams who quickly stopped wanting him. Eli is perhaps most famous for having Catcher +8 on his 2000 MLB Showdown Pennant Run card.

Eli takes his uncling duties very seriously. He has always viewed it as his responsibility to mold Chris into the successful major leaguer that he never really was and knew he never could be. Eli thought the best way to do this was to toughen Chris up. So, every year on July 2 (Chris’ birthday), Eli, in lieu of sending a birthday present, arranges an increasingly dangerous scenario for Chris to overcome.   Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Drew Storen

Image

I drew Storen.

Drew Storen owns this car. A lot of people say it’s a Batmobile, and that clearly Drew Storen is Batman. There are many signs aside from the car that point to Drew being Batman. He likes saving things, he has a lanky youthful sidekick in Tyler Clippard, and has taken on hulked up, steroid filled freaks just like Bane.

But Drew Storen isn’t Batman. To find out the animated hero that he really is, we have to go back to his rookie year, and look at this picture:

Continue reading

Tagged , , ,