Category Archives: Promotions

Mike Rizzo Extended, Promoted, Why?

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“You promoted me? Have you seen how our team’s doing?”

Mike Rizzo has signed a new long-term contract and was also promoted to President of Baseball Operations. In other news, I was promoted to CEO of my company for producing a massive shit, so pretty much the same thing.

I’m probably overreacting. Rizzo created a team that did fantastic last year, and is just vastly underperforming this year. Reasonably, he’s not the one to blame.

Unreasonably, he is the one to blame. Fire him! Fire everyone! Burn this whole team down and start from scratch! Just make sure Ben’s Chili Bowl is protected from the fire, that will be the only thing to carry over to the new regime.

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Ross Ohlendorf To Start Wednesday, Karns Sent Down

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Have you always had an irrational fear that somebody is watching you? It’s not irrational.

The Karnival has left town. No more ball throwing games, no more roller coaster experiences, no more putting Davey Johnson in the dunk tank. How will we ever have fun again…

This is how: WITH ROSS FUCKING OHLENDORF. Assuming you like agricultural internships and ivy league educations. If you don’t find those fun, well, you might not have so much fun.

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Chris Marrero Sticking Around, Tyler Moore Demoted to AAA

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It looks like Nene has bleached his skin and cut his hair.

After a series of moves this weekend, the Nationals have called up and decided to stick with Chris Marrero, while also deciding to send Tyler Moore down to AAA.

It’s an abrupt cancellation for the once merry Tyler Moore Show, which had become very un-merry with a terrible performance this season. It had reached its peak with a well written RBI hit in the NLDS last season, but this season had just been full of disappointment. I don’t know what changed, whether it was a new writing staff or what. But he’s jumped the Shark, who is also experiencing a lousily written season.

Chris Marrero is the closest thing anyone has to Eli Marrero and that’s good enough for a roster spot. Nepotism is a powerful force in the game of baseball. So powerful that somehow that local kid Jack is on my son’s little league team just because his dad is the manager, DESPITE only 2 hits all season. What a useless 6 year old.

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WERTH. HERE. ESPINOSA. GONE. RENDON. HERE. RODRIGUEZ. GONE. KROL. HERE. DUKE. GONE. OH. SHIT.

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My mind.

Where to begin… Well, I was born in New York City, and grew up in…

Oh, right. I meant, where to begin about these transactions.

Well, Jayson Werth is back from injury, Anthony Rendon is back after a few starts at AAA at 2B, and Ian Krol is here. I guess Krol Show got canceled or something and he needed a new job.

But some surprising corresponding moves happened, that were also well deserved.

Henry Rodriguez was designated for assignment. The team offered to get him a limo to the airport, but they decided to not spend the money since they know how much he likes walking.

Zach Duke is gone as well. Poor Zach Duke. We dedicated a week to you, and now this. Well hopefully you find happiness elsewhere, although I’ve been to Harrisburg and aside from the diner, not much made me smile.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, Danny Espinosa seems to have vanished. We know he couldn’t have gone far, since he doesn’t know how to walk. We’re all still waiting to hear what exactly happened, but it’s hard to believe that our double play combo is Despinosa could be over. What now? Desbardozzi? Desdon? Yeah, sure, those will be more productive. But if a baseball player doesn’t have a good nickname, is he really even that good? That’s why Rich Garces is the 10-time defending Cy Young and Strasburg isn’t.

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Erik Davis Called Up, Harper to DL, Rendon to AAA

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So he’s just Clippard without glasses?

After much speculation, a series of moves have taken place for the Nationals which threaten to reshape the game of baseball as we know it. Reshape in a very small way, like maybe make a half a millimeter dent in it.

Firstly, the Nationals called up relief pitcher Erik Davis. Unfortunately this is not former ballplayer Eric Davis, but it would’ve been silly to think it was. They look so different. Erik is 6’2″ 190 lbs, while Eric is 6’2″ 165 lbs.

Erik has put up solid numbers in Syracuse this season, and will be a welcome addition to a shaky Nationals pen. We’ve gotta do our best to make sure our pen isn’t as shaky down the line. We might get points off for poor penmanship.

To make room for Erik, the team put Bryce Harper on the DL. Now I know you might be very depressed, thinking that Harper’s career could end up being plagued with injuries, but let me tell you this. Every year, over 7 million children die from starvation. I just thought you should know. Since you’re already depressed about Harper, I figured it wouldn’t bum you out any worse.

Lastly, with room in Syracuse, the Nats promoted Anthony Rendon to AAA. Word has it that Rendon will try his hand at 2B, meaning that Danny Espinosa might be in trouble. I would tell him to shape up at some point this season or we’ll hand him his walking papers, but since he doesn’t walk we might have to try and find a new way to get rid of him.

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Nationals Promote Nate Karns, Detwiler to DL

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Some pitchers scare hitters with their fastball. But Karns scares hitters by reminding them what could happen to their bite if they don’t wear their retainers.

Nate Karns will be called up to start Tuesday’s game vs. the Orioles. So break out your Austin Kearns jerseys and hope that everyone in attendance has dyslexia, because he deserves your support. Just don’t spend any money on him until he proves he’s better than Austin Kearns was.

It’s about time we had the Karnival come to town, because this team is not very fun to watch sometimes. Hopefully we can just sit back and enjoy some candy dipped baseballs but NO roller coasters. Please, no more roller coasters Karns. We have to deal with them every day when our bullpen comes in to pitch.

The promotion corresponds with the team finally placing Detwiler on the DL. Detwiler had been dealing with an oblique strain for quite some time, but the team was hoping that we would find out that Ross could simply have his oblique removed and we could all move on healthily. Because seriously, what does the oblique do besides sideline baseball players? I think all doctors should just remove them at birth.

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Upcoming Potomac Nationals Promotions

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Potomac Nats promotional days have been a hit since "Fielders use bats instead of gloves day."

If you were watching the MASN broadcast of the Nationals game just now, you heard Bob Carpenter and F.P. Santangelo talk about upcoming Potomac Nationals promotions. They mentioned the actual not a joke Titanic Sunday promotion that they’re having this upcoming weekend. What are the specifics of the promotion? Well, women and children get in 15 minutes early, and an “iceberg giveaway.” Thank goodness for good taste.

F.P. went on to say some more Potomac promotional days which I can safely say (while lying) are also real promotional days coming up. Now he only said the promotions’ names, but didn’t say what they involved. So let’s predict what F.P.’s promotional suggestions would entail.

Hindenburg Monday: Come out to the ballpark to see the Goodyear Blimp in action! Note: the blimp will not be there for the whole game.

Poseidon Tuesday: Upon entering the parking lot your car will be flipped upside down and submerged in water. If you can escape then enjoy the festivities! Kurt Russell will be signing autographs.

Earthquake Wednesday: Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a baseball game while fearing for your life? Well wonder no longer, as the foundation crumbles at your feet and the stadium collapses! Disaster relief will be given to the first 15 lucky fans!

I think F.P.’s suggestions will go over well with the Potomac fans. At least those who survive.

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