Category Archives: Spring Training

Mets Beat Nationals

Giving up now.

Giving up now.

Spring Training games are underway and our season is over. The Nationals opened up their spring by losing 5-3 to the Mets. Strasburg struggled, Chris Snyder was the only offensive force, and Opposite Day was a success nationwide. We hope that when the teams meet again on Monday, that they function as we would expect them to do in the season.

As for this blog’s covering of Spring Training games, you’ll have to forgive this lackluster introduction. Like the players, we need time to get into the swing of things. I know that last season we covered every single game in Spring Training, the regular season, and the playoffs, but this year we might be tinkering around with our formula. We promise some exciting coverage nonetheless, including a new feature about the World Baseball Classic that we’ve been discussing.

We look forward to entertaining those of you who didn’t off yourselves after today’s game.

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Nationals Spring Training News


Davey welcomes the players each year with his arm around his imaginary friend Fernald.

As sadness sweeps through Natstown on the wake of the worst signing in franchise history, there is some good news, news about Spring Training. It was announced officially that Nationals pitchers will report on February 12th, and position players on February 15th. I’m excited that it’s less than a month until pitchers report, and devastated that it’s less than a month until Rafael Soriano reports. But at least we can start the healing process and move on from last year’s debacle within a month.

In addition to some of the minor league deals that have been signed in recent weeks, the Nationals announced they will extend Spring Training invites to some other players in their system. Pat McCoy, Tanner Roark, Carlos Maldonado, Matt Skole and Zach Walters will all be at Spring Training. Everyone of these guys must be thrilled to get a shot at showing off their stuff, and also to spend a time in the nice Florida weather. Everyone will probably have a nice tan come the end of March, although its hard to imagine Roark getting any Tanner.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my computer keyboard is fritzing out cause of the many tears of mine that have dropped on it due to today’s earlier signing.

I am so sad.

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Thirty-Third Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Boston Redd Sox (The Newest Item from the Michael Redd Clothing Line)

Jacoby Ellsbury caught saying "oh" in the sentence, "Oh man, the Nationals are so good."

The end of Spring Training has arrived. Finally, meaningful games with talented players can occur. But part of me still hates to see it go. There’s something therapeutic about watching grown men fight for fame, wealth and happiness, knowing all the while that some have no chance.

The final game of the spring took place in Washington at Nationals Park, and saw the Red Sox beat the Nats 8-7. At least I think that’s what it saw, its vision was a little blurry from all the beer it drank between innings.

The win today slipped through the Nationals’ fingers, probably cause the Red Sox left the baseballs so greasy from all that chicken.

Despite the loss, I’m very excited about the team. Heck, I won’t even think about divorcing myself from this team despite some cancerous players it may have. I’m no John Lackey. Because he did that. He divorced his cancer-stricken wife. Just saying.

Oh he’s so ugly.

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Thirty-Second Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Boston Hangovers (From All the Beer Last September)


The Nationals Raft is close to finishing its long journey down Spring Training River, after which it will careen straight over Opening Day Falls into Regular Season Lake, where it’ll float around for a few months and hope that it gets sucked down into Playoffs Whirlpool and and finally reach its watery tomb at the bottom of World Series Champions Sinkhole at the center of the earth. Sadly by that point all the Nationals will have drowned, but at least they’ll go out on top. At the bottom. Whatever.

Today the Raft hit a gnarled root in the shape of Vicente Padilla’s ugly face on it, as the Nats lost to the Red Sox 4-2 and Vicente Padilla is apparently on the Red Sox. Ew.┬áThe Battle for the Last Spot on the Nationals Roster, which will surely be long-commemorated in the annals of future histories, took a dramatic twist, as Chad Durbin gave up a run on two hits but struck out two. Will that run be the death knell of his roster-making dreams? Fans of things that aren’t really boring everywhere hope so. Otherwise everyone better get ready for a lot of Dur Continue reading

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Thirty-First Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis C.K.


The Cardinals celebrate their loss, shouting "April Fools!" the whole time. The umpires had to let them know after that they really did lose.

Just a day after The Zimmerman(n) Telegram proclaimed that the Nationals lost, they won.

Today the Nationals beat the Cardinals 2-1. Danny Espinosa did something he could only do on a day full of lies and trickery, not strike out. He also threw a home run in there, which leads fans to think that if he can homer and put the ball in play everytime on April Fools’ Day, imagine how much he’ll suck during the regular season.

Today’s lineup was what many believe could be the lineup on Opening Day. Others believe that 9/11 was an inside job orchestrated by the Bush administration to help justify an invasion into the Middle East for a number of economic and political reasons. I’m leaning towards the former of those.

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Thirtieth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis Cardinal Error (Westbrook, throw)

Chad Tracy was arrested after the game for plumbing a toilet without permission. He's addicted.

Just a day after The Zimmerman(n) Telegram proclaimed that the Nationals would never lose again, the Nationals lost. It takes a big man to admit when you’re wrong, but since all the authors of this blog are medium-sized men I guess we can’t admit to anything. So we’ll just ignore it and pretend the whole thing never happened, but still offer many confident guarantees in the future based on ephemera.

There wasn’t a whole lot to be excited about today for Nats fans. It was Stephen Strasburg’s last start of the spring, but it was a fairly mediocre one. The offensive star of the day was Chad Tracy, who was 2-4 with a home run. ┬áThat’s notable only because it’s just the second time the phrase “The offensive star of the day was Chad Tracy” has ever been said. The first time was when Chad’s parents decided to name a star after their son but then an astronomer who devotes his life to finding the most offensively ugly stars picked the Chad Tracy’s star the next day.

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Twenty-Ninth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Miami Marlungfish


Mound meetings with Mark Buehrle are often a frustrating endeavor without a farting-sound translator present.

The days of losing are officially over.

The Washington Nationals won their 4th straight game over 3 days today, beating the Miami Marlins 3-2. While some other reporters might be unwilling to admit it at this moment, I think it’s safe to say that the Nationals have moved past losing baseball games.

Detwiler turned in another solid showing, and Henry Rodriguez continued his scoreless dominance. I’ll even give it to Actual Pile of Waste Ian Desmond, who hit a first pitch home run to set the tone of the game. All is right in Natstown right now, and I can’t see being unhappy at any point this season.

It’s a weird feeling to know your team won’t ever lose again. But there’s a first time for everything. I’m just glad that the first time in this case is happening to us.


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Twenty-Eighth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals (SS(X Tricky)) vs. Detroit Tiggers are Wonderful Things


The Nationals got lucky that they only have to see Balester's fearsome face in Spring Training.

You know what they say. Two heads are better than one. They also say 40 some odd heads are better than 25, as the two Nationals split squads made a clean sweep of the day. After beating the Braves earlier, the Nationals split squads continued to shine, beating the Tigers in the night game by a score 5-3. The Nationals have really turned it on late in Spring Training, which is good because honestly if they’re not turning things on it’s hard for me to stay into it the whole time. I mean after a while it becomes humping for no real reason.

The Nationals only made one offensive substitution the whole game, having catcher Sandy Leon replace Jesus Flores late. Flores was a little upset to be taken out of the game while all his teammates stayed in. Lets hope everything stays ok in the clubhouse, because Jesus does not like to be crossed.


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Twenty-Seventh Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals (SS! (not the Nazi kind)) vs. Atlanta Vaguely Offensive Indian Stereotypes

This is how you train to sprin.

Wow. Wowee. Whoda thunk it. Well I never ever. Jesus Christ on a shishkebab.

Half of the Washington Nationals beat a real Big Boy team this afternoon, taking out the Braves 6-3 and salvaging some last scraps of self-respect out of this dismal every-day-is-the-Ides-of March. Adam LaRoche was back in LaLineup after an extended injury-related absence, and wowed the starstruck crowd with a 1-2 performance. Edwin Jackson looked good, while Sean Burnett, perhaps realizing that it was time to practice what he’s actually going to do this season, finally gave up a run. Chad Durbin was…I dunno, really boring? Is there any other way to describe Chad Durbin? What a boring man.

Durbin. Durbin. Durbin. Durbin.Dur.



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Twenty-Sixth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. New York Threats (Ha, yeah right)


Stephen Strasburg laughs in the background after someone referred to the Mets as a "baseball team."

The Nationals are up to 15 games played without beating a major league team, but have a 3 game winning streak vs. amateur squads, as they beat the Mets today 3-2. It was a big day for this blog’s inspiration, as Jordan Zimmermann threw 6 shutout innings of two hit ball. On the offensive front, Ian Desmond was the be…

Sorry, I’ll try again. Ian Desmond was the be…

Ian…Desmond…was the best…the Nationals had to offer offensively today…

I hope to never say that sentence again.

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