Category Archives: Transactions

Nationals Trade for Scott Hairston

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Scott tries to intimidate umpires by attempting to swallow them whole. He has yet to swallow any umpires.

The Nationals have acquired Scott Hairston from the Cubs in exchange for a currently unnamed minor-league pitcher. No, it’s not someone they haven’t announced to the public, it’s an actual person with no name. He had hoped to be drafted by the Yankees years ago, so it wouldn’t pose a problem with putting the player’s name on the back of the jersey. Unfortunately he had no such luck.

Hairston gives them a powerful right handed bat who is related to Jerry Hairston Jr. And as we all know, a team isn’t an all around force until they have someone related to Jerry Hairston Jr. He has been worth almost -1 WAR this season, so he’s probably another piece towards ensuring we never escape floating around .500.

Oddly enough, Hairston has no hair. Anywhere.

UPDATE: The pitcher the Cubs are receiving is Ivan Pineyro. He seems like a decently talented minor league prospect, plus he has hair. I don’t know why you’d trade someone with hair for someone without. You don’t want to ruin the Nationals gene pool.

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Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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WERTH. HERE. ESPINOSA. GONE. RENDON. HERE. RODRIGUEZ. GONE. KROL. HERE. DUKE. GONE. OH. SHIT.

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My mind.

Where to begin… Well, I was born in New York City, and grew up in…

Oh, right. I meant, where to begin about these transactions.

Well, Jayson Werth is back from injury, Anthony Rendon is back after a few starts at AAA at 2B, and Ian Krol is here. I guess Krol Show got canceled or something and he needed a new job.

But some surprising corresponding moves happened, that were also well deserved.

Henry Rodriguez was designated for assignment. The team offered to get him a limo to the airport, but they decided to not spend the money since they know how much he likes walking.

Zach Duke is gone as well. Poor Zach Duke. We dedicated a week to you, and now this. Well hopefully you find happiness elsewhere, although I’ve been to Harrisburg and aside from the diner, not much made me smile.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, Danny Espinosa seems to have vanished. We know he couldn’t have gone far, since he doesn’t know how to walk. We’re all still waiting to hear what exactly happened, but it’s hard to believe that our double play combo is Despinosa could be over. What now? Desbardozzi? Desdon? Yeah, sure, those will be more productive. But if a baseball player doesn’t have a good nickname, is he really even that good? That’s why Rich Garces is the 10-time defending Cy Young and Strasburg isn’t.

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Kobernus Called Up, Maya DFA’d

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Kobernus swings so hard that his eyes disappear, they just vanish.

As payback for a failed attempt at predicting the end of the world, the Nationals have sent ¬†Maya back down to the minors. If they’re going to pretend to threaten our livelihood with their silly predictions, we’re going to actually ruin their lives by making sure they don’t play in the majors.

With Maya’s designation, the Nationals have called up Jeff Kobernus. Kobernus was a former Rule 5 pick to the Tigers, but was returned to the Nationals this March. Do not confuse the Rule 5 draft with the Rule 34 draft, which based on recent events we know Steve McCatty was a part of.

Kobernus plays 2B, and will likely see some playing time because of Espinosa’s horribleness. He has already been seen as a success compared to Danny, since his walking to the airport was more walking than Espinosa’s done all season.

Trying to come up with a nickname for Kobernus, I had some trouble. But for now I think we should all go with The Kober Report.

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Nats Acquire Brian Jeroloman

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This is our man. Our Jeroloman.

The Nationals have made the first big splash of the season by trading for Brian Jeroloman. Assuming you think no water displacement makes a good splash. If you don’t, then this move doesn’t mean much.

You probably don’t.

The team traded cash to Pittsburgh in exchange for Brian, adding to the list of many occasions where a DC executive has paid someone for their services. As long as he’s willing to get down on his knees and do the dirty work back there, he’ll fit in just fine.

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Nats Exercise Mike Rizzo’s 2014 Option

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Someone finally explains to Mike what rain is, and why umbrellas are a good idea.

Just a short time ago, the Nationals announced that they have exercised Mike Rizzo’s 2014 option. When asked why, ownership released a statement something along the lines of, “It was getting chunky around the waist and we wanted it to live a healthy life, so we forced it onto a treadmill.”

Rizzo has put together an excellent ball club, assuming 10 and 11 are your favorite numbers, in that specific order. But a final verdict for Rizzo’s efforts has not been reached, as its still too early to tell where the team will end up this season. Much like its still too early to burn all your Nationals clothing and throw away your season tickets every time the team loses a game. My parents are getting upset about how much I’m spending.

Rizzo also has an option for 2015, but it has not been exercised yet. Team doctors say it’s in fine health, and needs no lifestyle change.

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Nationals Sign Chris Young (The Pitcher, WE CAN ONLY MAKE THIS JOKE SO MANY TIMES)

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Here’s a picture as boring as it is to write Chris Young transactional news.

We did this, like, a few weeks ago. Come on, Rizzo. Don’t you know we have jokes to make? Stop giving us the same tired old material.

To summarize: Chris Young is back. He’s tall, he’s smart, and he’s got a very boring name that is hard to make puns with. CHRIST, this is frustrating.

You got anything?

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Goodbye Chris Young (The Pitcher, Not the Actor)

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Young found his teammates were not accepting of him bringing his vast porn collection to the clubhouse every day.

Just last month, the Nationals signed Chris Young. Everyone was happy, because we needed someone to to dust on the top of counters, and Young was just tall enough to do it. But now, just one month later, Young has decided to opt out of being a cleaning gentleman to focus on actually getting a big league starting job.

Young is not that, as he will turn 34 this season. So hopefully he finds a team to take a chance on him. I just hope some team doesn’t accidentally sign him in order to meet a quota for employing minorities, ending up very disappointed.

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Nationals Sign J.C. Romero

JC Romero 07-11-09A photo of J.C. taken in hell.

O Romero, Romero, wherefore art thou Romero?

Oh, you’re here.

J.C. Romero has signed a minor league contract with the Nationals. Fresh off a WBC finals run with Puerto Rico, J.C. finds himself in the capital city of the country that keeps his fellow countrymen’s voices at bay. He’s here for one of two reasons. To play baseball, or to infiltrate our government after earning our trust and finally helping Puerto Rico achieve statehood. Either way, he’ll have to deal with old white men who control everything.

Romero was actually briefly a National once before, having played in the minors for a few weeks in 2011. I guess he just couldn’t stay away. You know what they say. Once you go National, you never go back-tional.

People say that.

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Nationals Sign Chris Young (The Pitcher, Not the Rugby Player)

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“Is this a wart on my knuckle?”
“Ew, get away! That’s gross!”

The Nationals have signed Chris Young to a minor league deal. When you look at Young, you’re shocked by one physical trait. He is not black. Then you realize you’re thinking of the wrong Chris Young. After coming to that realization you notice that Chris Young, the pitcher, is quite tall. 6’10”, in fact. And you know what they say about tall pitchers, don’t you?

You don’t?

Neither do I, I was hoping you did.

Well Chris Young is here, and will provide us with rotation depth. Now if only we could find someone to provide us with velocity depth.

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