Category Archives: Transactions

Nats Sign Kelvin De La Cruz


This picture came up when I searched “Kelvin de la Cruz” on Google. I am wary of this signing.

The Nationals have come to terms with Kelvin De La Cruz on a minor league contract. The signing leaves me wondering. Not about where he’ll fit in on our team, or how much money we’re paying him. No, I’m curious which Cruz this Kelvin belongs to.

I don’t want us getting in trouble and going to court over stolen property. I want to work out with Kelvin’s Cruz-named owner as to who this man rightfully belongs to. Jose Cruz Jr? Maybe. Jose Cruz Sr? Also maybe? Whichever Cruz this Kelvin is of, please step forward so we can work this out.

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Jordan Zimmermann Avoids Arbitration with Nationals


Just like he avoids Ryan Zimmerman. But Ryan keeps trying to be his friend anyway.

Breaking news! In that I’m breaking the laws of news by claiming this to be breaking when it is in fact hours old, but please forgive me.

The Nationals and Jordan Zimmermann have avoided arbitration by agreeing to a $5.35 million 1-year deal. They have also avoided us needing to figure out how to change our url yet move all our stories over to a new one for at least another year.

Now that I know Jordan will be playing for the Nats this upcoming season without any issues, I can relax. I worried about who could be your heir, Jordan. I’m just glad that you didn’t have to take it to any court to decide the case. This re-signing is a slam dunk for the team.

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Will Ohman Signed by Nationals


I broke into Topps’ computer network and found this in the folder labeled, “Weird shit that wouldn’t fly on baseball cards.”

Oh man. Will you look at this? The Nationals have signed Will Ohman to a minor league contract. Will he earn the lefty role in the pen out of spring training? Oh man, what a contest this will be.

Oh, man.



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Nationals Sign Micah Owings


I’m sure you’ll find that pen you misplaced very soon, Micah.

The Nationals have signed first baseman Micah Owings to a minor league contract. Now many of you probably remember Micah Owings the pitcher. Well based on the similar looks of the one we just signed, the Owings we got is the very same and has transitioned to being a hitter, is Micah’s twin brother who his parents also named Micah for no good reason, or has had serious plastic surgery and a name change to look like the real Micah. I think choice two is probably the most likely, and that the Owings’s father was also named Micah and we’ve got George Foreman thing going on here.

Owings spent many years trying to make it as a pitcher but couldn’t quite cut it. During that time he was a terrifying offensive presence though, a regular Mike Hampton. Only with Micah you felt bad that he had trouble making it as a pitcher while with Mike you found it hilarious because of his giant contract.

The Nats have previously had a similar situation to the one they now have with Micah. Rick Ankiel made the transition from pitcher to “hitter” as well. Only I put quotations around hitter because well, look at Ankiel’s stats.

I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Owings at the Marvin Miller Memorial in NYC a few weeks ago. He was very polite and very tall, which both directly translate to offensive success as evidenced by Pleasant McLarge’s triple crown achievement in 1924. I hope Micah finds a place on our team down the line, if only so I can tell people I had a three way chat with a National and Rick Helling once.

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Nats Sign Accardo, Snyder


Point those fingers the other way. I’m talking about you, Jeremy!

The Nationals made two minor league signings today, bringing in both reliever Jeremy Accardo and catcher Chris Snyder. Accardo gives the Nationals some more right handed relief options, as well as some more concession stands to consider. Accardough’s Pizza will be located down the third base line this coming season no doubt.

Snyder provides some catching depth at the minor league level, but let’s be honest. We know that’ll thin out soon. Snyder’s family has already made funeral arrangements. Poor Nationals catchers…

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Nationals Sign Jerad Head


Why show the rest of him?

We got Head! Sadly, it wasn’t of major league caliber and it cost us a couple thousand dollars. Next time I’ll find a better hooker.

The Nationals signed Jerad Head to a minor league contract. Head’s greatest claim to fame so far could be his assault of a bouncer in Akron. I’ve missed Elijah Dukes quite a bit, so I think this signing is a great one.

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Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration


Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

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Ian Desmond Signs 1 Year Deal to Avoid Arbitration


The contract signing.

Ian Desmond and the Nationals have agreed to a 1 year, $3.8 million deal to avoid arbitration. In other news, with this constant stream of arbitration posts my jokes are running out. So let’s just say something thoughtful about Desmond’s baseball skill, something you’d find on a real legitimate sports blog.

He…touch a baseball and it went out. He field a ball once.

Hmm…not very good at insight. I’ll try to stick to jokes in the future.

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Bernadina and Nats Avoid Arbitration


Unrelated, Bernadina laughs at a man’s small penis.

According to his agent, Roger Bernadina has reportedly avoided arbitration. There is very little known at this time but Mike Rizzo was seen with all his limbs still in tact, so we can assume the process went relatively smoothly.

Update: Shark will make $1,212,500 plus $130,000 in incentives. People better watch out, because Shark contracts are clearly on the rise.

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Stammen Avoids Arbitration with Two Year Deal


He mostly stayed to get more free ice cream from these filmed Nationals segments.

Craig Stammen has avoided arbitration by agreeing to a 2-year contract with the Nationals. While terms are presently undisclosed, I feel that given the Nationals tendency to give $28 million to relievers who don’t deserve it, Craig will certainly earn more by actually being a talented reliever.

If anyone had the Stammena to go through an exhausting arbitration process and come out with what he deserved it was Craig. But Craig got things done early and will be staying in Washington for at least 2 more years. Up to this point it had been a bad winter for baseball Craigs. But since Stammen’s accomplishments were rewarded while Biggio’s were not, it is clear that we have the better one.

Update: The deal is for $2.25 million. I guess blown saves are worth 26 million dollars then.

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