Category Archives: Transactions

Detwiler Agrees to One Year Deal


Detwiler and Rizzo (in a wig with a lot of plastic surgery) agree to the deal.

Ross Detwiler and the Nationals have agreed to a contract worth $2.3375 million plus incentives for the 2013 season, avoiding arbitration. Now I know there’s a lot of criticism out there for people who spend lots of money on high end breeds. So spending over 2 million dollars on a dog like Ross will be met with a lot of backlash. Sure I feel bad that there are so many poor dogs just sitting out there, begging to be taken home for nothing. Like that poor Randy Wolf-mix, or the LaBradPennydor Retriever.

But the Nationals deserve a high quality dog for their high quality team. They need one to compete on the highest level. One who can strike out a Bichon Freese or a Jack Russell Martin Terrier with ease. Because of this, I welcome the Nationals bringing back Ross. He will surely be an important part of our team, and additionally can probably help Davey Johnson do stuff around the clubhouse if Davey’s eyesight starts going.

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Storen and Nats Avoid Arbitration


Drew attempts to celebrate with a high five, but something goes terribly wrong.

Drew Storen has avoided arbitration just like he avoids the strike zone, by agreeing to a 1 year, $2.5 million contract with bonuses that can reach $1 million more. So clearly the Nationals will be handing out contracts with a dollar value about equal to the number of people the player let down in October.

Ah, I’m sorry. It’s unfair to still be mad at Drew. He’s a great talent and a great man. No, not character wise. I mean he’s as man as man can be. Just look at all his balls.

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Mike Morse Traded to Mariners


My photoshop skills are quite good. …What do you mean he already played for Seattle and I just used this picture from those days? That’s nonsense.

Mike Morse has been traded to the Mariners as part of a 3-team deal with Oakland. Details were reported by Adam Kilgore. It’s sad that Mike is gone from the team, but what could you expect? He kept telling people to “Take on me, take me on,” it was only a matter of time before someone listened and actually took him. He also warned us that he’d be gone in a day or two, so we can’t act like we didn’t see this coming.

The trade breaks down as follows: Washington gets A.J. Cole back, plus a “good” prospect and PTBNL (from Oakland) according to Amanda Comak. Seattle receives Mike Morse. Oakland receives John Jaso. It’s nice seeing Cole come back, having traded him away in the Gio trade. He’s a talented prospect, and I’m sure Cole will power us to victories down the line, even if it’s bad for the environment. If he makes it to the bigs, it’ll be interesting to see what proves to be the greater, cheaper source of energy for the team, Clean Cole or Gio-thermal energy.

As for Morse, you’ll be missed. Thank you for your contributions to this team the past few years. I hope you find success in Safeco. Although, it is a much more pitcher-friendly ballpark. Those phantom grand slams might be a little harder to hit out.

Update: Blake Treinen will be coming over from the Athletics as one of the 2 previously unnamed players, reports Jon Heyman. I hope Blake has been Treinen hard during the offseason and will be ready to show off in the coming season.

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)


Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

Continue reading

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Nationals Sign Delwyn Young


Pure bliss.

The Nationals have signed Delwyn Young to a minor league contract. Unlike the similar sounding Delmon Young, Delwyn has made no anti-semitic comments that I’m aware of. In the never ending contest between the Youngs, I guess you could consider his less-racist character another Wyn for Delwyn.

EDIT: A loyal reader has reminded me that Delwyn was the man to hit the 2-run HR off Strasburg in Stephen’s debut. I had repressed this memory, but am thankful that I was reminded of it. This is a loss for Delwyn, no doubt. A loss of life. Because I will rip his head off for nearly ruining that beautiful night.

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Add One Mann to the Earlier Signings


This Mann. I’m glad we signed him, since there’s only 500 of him out there. I just hope ours is in as nice condition as the #382 above.

Today is a huge day for minor league pitching signings in DC. Earlier we announced the signings of Ross Ohlendorf and Sean West, and now I have the pleasure in adding Brandon Mann to this new group of marginal pitching talent.

Mann has never played in the majors, but has spent a few years in Japan. Hopefully he finds his place in the Nationals organization, and maybe wins some awards along the way to put up on the Manntle.

According to the baseball card above, Mann works quickly and keeps his hands ready. While good for his defense, this has sadly never led to a long term girlfriend for Brandon.

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Nats Sign Two to Minor League Deals (We Believe in Helping the Environment, so Here’s a Recycled Headline)


Pucker up, cause our newest signing wants a kiss.

The Nationals added to their organizational depth today with the signings of Ross Ohlendorf and Sean West. Ross is a well well-traveled veteran who has spent some time in Washington during his big league career. Although he did not spend this time with the Nationals, but rather the U.S. Department of Agriculture as an intern in 2009. So while the pitching staff’s jobs might be secure, I’d watch out if I were the Nationals head groundskeeper. Ross might have some new agricultural ideas to improve things around Nationals Park.

As for Sean West, I don’t have much to say. Aside from that I find it ironic that a man who is named West has spent his entire career on the East coast.

Very very ironic.

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Nationals Re-Sign Adam LaRoche


Don’t look so angry, Stephen. It might be Morse who’s out of a spot in our lineup, not you. Why, you’re our best hitter.

Davey Johnson got his Christmas present just a few days late this year. Even though a delay in delivering his gift was a risky move, considering that someone his age could crumble to dust at any moment. But Davey finally got what he wanted, a returning Adam LaRoche.

Just a little while ago, Adam Kilgore reported that LaRoche had agreed to return to Washington. It seems Adam finally caved on needing three years, as the Nationals and he agreed to terms on a two year deal. I think this works well for both parties. The Nats get their star first baseman from last year on a short term deal to see if he can prove himself again, and LaRoche doesn’t have to commit to something for all that long. We know he’s had trouble with that in the past.

While many are delighted by this signing, it could be bad news for Mike Morse. With LaRoche returning, and a new outfielder in Denard Span, Morse is without a spot in the Nationals lineup. Could this be the end of Morse in DC?

I would hate being Mike right now. He’s settled down in DC. I mean how do you think his Twitter handle (@DC_Beast38) would take it if Mike told it that all the friends it’s made mean nothing anymore. That it has to move to a new city and make new friends. That it had to change its name to something yet to be determined. This is the problem with being a baseball player. You have to settle down never being sure how long you’ll stay. And then when you have to move, you have to break it to those you love and ask them to change as well. Poor Twitter handle.

UPDATE: LaRoche is guaranteed $24 million and can earn up to $37 million with a mutual option. Despite all the speculation, its clear that LaRoche had 24 million good reasons to stay in DC:

  1. He likes playing in DC.
  2. That is a lot of money.
  3. The Nationals are playoff favorites.
  4. Other cities are scary.
  5. He likes this taco place near Georgetown.
  6. His car is broken and can’t take him anywhere.
  7. He just bought a Nationals hat for his son and he can’t just be spending hundreds on hats.

23,999,993 more reasons to come.

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Nats Sign Two to Minor League Deals


And one of them likes to play golf. I hope he doesn’t blow late season games just to get out on the course.

While the following moves happened a few days ago, they are still worth noting. Especially since nothing else is happening for the Nationals aside from Adam LaRoche saying he wants 3 years, Mike Rizzo saying he won’t budge from two years, and that process repeating again and again. It’s like some terrible sitcom that has an overdone, recycled plot for many of its episodes and ends up going nowhere. Well hopefully the LaRoche saga, as well as How I Met Your Mother, will both be over soon.

The Nationals have signed Mike Costanzo and Matt Torra to minor league deals. Costanzo immediately brings to mind George Costanza. They clearly have the same unfortunate luck, as Costanzo spent some time with the Phillies in his career. He had a cup of coffee in the majors, only it was bitter and instead of cream contained many tears. Costanzo had 21 plate appearances for the Reds and did not produce much. But hopefully, with some semi-decent career minor league numbers, Costanzo can do something for this organization that isn’t just sparking ideas for new Seinfeld jokes.

Matt Torra was part of the impressive draft class of Justin Upton, Alex Gordon, Ryan Braun, Ricky Romero, Troy Tulowitzki, Andrew McCutchen, Jay Bruce, and our own Ryan Zimmerman. Sadly, he was none of those people. Having been drafted 31st overall in 2005, Torra’s career has been less than stellar to this point. But while his stats may not be that good, we’re stuck with him now. No, releasing is not an option for Torra. Why you ask? Well if we dropped the Torra, we’d have to fast for 40 days. And Ben’s Chili Bowl is far too delicious to do that.

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Nationals Sign Tyler Herron


He is thrilled to join our organization.

The Nats have brought in Tyler Herron on a minor league contract. Once a first round pick, Herron has put up decent numbers over the course of 7 seasons in the minors and independents. His last name is also one letter away from being the word for a large wading bird. I am unsure of which is the more notable thing about him.

He spent last year with the Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks of the American Association of Independent Baseball. Obviously he couldn’t cut it in such a high-quality league, which is understandable. I mean Barry Bonds, Derek Jeter, Mike Piazza, none of these men found success in the American Association. Tyler simply couldn’t handle it, and now has to settle for playing for Major League organizations once again. Poor Tyler.

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