Tag Archives: 2012 Election

I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.


Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Carlos Maldonado

If you could see the expression on Maldonado’s face, you would be looking at a face of abject glee bordering on mild orgasm.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine that you’re Carlos Maldonado. It can’t be easy being Carlos Maldonado. It’s tough to make a good first impression, because everyone’s first impression of you is going to be that you’re bad. First of all, the Nationals started the season with three people they’d rather have at catcher than you, and a fourth who has taken your backup job now that you’re on the disabled list. That’s bad. Second, the first syllable of your last name literally means “bad.” That’s also bad. Third, you’re actually pretty bad at baseball for someone who plays baseball for their job. So that’s definitely bad. You must have a very hard time convincing people who you meet that you’re not just a generally bad human being.

Now, let’s say you have a crush on that really cute girl who cleans your uniform. You see her at a bar after a game, and you go up to chat. She asks, “So, what do you do?” You tell her that you play baseball. She says, “Oh, what a coincidence! I clean baseball players’ uniforms! Are you good?” Now you’re in a real bind. You could lie and tell her you’re good because she doesn’t seem to know much about baseball, but you’re a bad lier. You could tell her that you’re bad at baseball, except that you’re bad at self-deprecating humor. You know it’s all over. You turn around and trudge home. Another sad night in the life of Carlos Maldonado.

Continue reading

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