Tag Archives: A Song of Ice and Fire

Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

——–

Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

——–

14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Song of Bryce and Fire: Harper Hits First Home Run as Nats Kill Fathers

Fans thought Bryce Harper was coming out for a curtain call, but he was really just pointing to a cloud so he could prove to his teammates that he knew what a cloud was.

Final Score: Nationals 8, Padres 5

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, HR, RBI, R, K. Who else? DC’s Dynamic Douchebag finally hit the first of what will hopefully be a number of home runs so large that we have to invent a new numerical system to write it without frying whatever computing device it’s written on.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .1 IP, 3 BB, Hold. Great Hold, Henry Rodriguez. You are likely to be getting a lot more of those in the future and a lot less of anything that anyone cares about.

————-

Wow. I can’t believe I was there to see it. They say you never forget the first time, and I’ll certainly never forget this moment. Everything else that happened in the game will soon be lost to history, but not this. And what a scene! Literally hundreds of people in the crowd going wild. Nationals Park erupting with the jubilation that it had long been longing to feel. I looked around after it happened, knowing that not just I but everyone around me would cherish this memory for a lifetime: Sean Burnett’s first save of the season.

There’s really not much to say about the rest of the game, which paled in comparison to such a glorious occasion. Regardless, here’s some photo documentation to give future historians some context when they tell the tale of Sean Burnett’s first save of 2012: Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,