Tag Archives: Adolf Hitler

The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.


Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

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No Double Plays Defense: Throwback Giants Throw Back Giant Mistake

Santiago Casilla experiments with throwing his shoe to first instead of the baseball, with predictably poor results. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, RBI, K. I’m not giving this to him because of his near-disastrous-game-winning-should-have-been-inning-ending-double-play ball, but for his successful bunt off Matt Cain in the 4th. Instead of being a stubborn ass-mule like every other left-handed hitter who’s ever been shifted on, he sucked up his “I’m a real man who hunts animals, gets tattoos and never bunts” pride, bunted to the left side, and easily got a hit. I hate every lefty who has never done this obviously correct thing.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Crawford: No at-bats, Horrible Fielding Mistake That Ended The Game. Thank goodness for Brandon Crawford and his comrade-in-failure Brandon Belt, who Brandoned together to save Adam LaRoche from my hatred and prevent Sean Burnett from having the opportunity to probably blow the game.


Thursday night was “Turn Back the Clock” night at Nationals Park, and the year that the clock was being turned to was 1924. Consequently, I will tell the story of this game using the important events of 1924 as a metaphor.

January 23: Vladimir Lenin dies; Bottom of the 2nd: Nationals score a run. The Russian Revolution rabble-rouser’s death is good news for American democracy and free enterprise worldwide, but it is marred by the fact that Josef Stalin, who will ultimately begin the Cold War, soon begins consolidating power. Similarly, the small victory of the Nationals going up 1-0 is marred by the fact that it happened on an Ian Desmond-struck double play ball.

February 22:  Calvin Coolidge is sworn in as the President of the United States; 1st-5th innings: Ross Detwiler gives up three runs on 11 hits. Both of these events are decidedly mediocre.

April 1: Hitler’s Beer Hall Putsch; Bottom of the 4th: Adam LaRoche bunts for a hit. Both Hitler’s and LaRoche’s actions were revolutionary, but both ultimately failed at the time. The Putsch was put down and Hitler arrested, and Ian Desmond struck out to end the inning. Continue reading

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Desmond’s Tutu-Run Home Run Brings Nats Walkoff Win


Scary moment as gravity temporarily disappeared when Desmond tried to touch home. He was successfully weighed down however by the tremendous sense of failure he has yet to shake off. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Diamondbacks 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-5, 1 R, 2 RBI, 1 2B, Walkoff HR. Have you ever smiled when someone says the name Ian Desmond? Yeah apparently you can. No, I’m not lying. Desmond was the star of the night, and not the type of star that forms a black hole and sucks up everything beautiful surrounding it. He was the type of star that actually contributes positively to the universe. I would suggest not getting too close, much like a real star. Bad things probably happen when you touch him.

Shame of the Game:

J.J. Putz: Loss, Blown Save, .2 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 2 K. What a Putz. This guy epitomizes what a Putz is. That whole family is sadly full of worthless, stupid people. It’s miraculous that they’ve survived this long. J.J. has done the noble thing though in order to remove this failure of a gene pool from the planet and agreed not to procreate, much like Hitler’s surviving relatives. Yes, these are comparable things.

Five straight losses. Up until tonight the Nats had been reminding us fans of the Nationals of old, losing game after game and crying in the showers. We’re not sure if this is because they lost so much or if it’s since Davey Johnson insists on showering with the team. But with one swing of the bat, something changed for the Nationals. With one swing of the bat, the Nationals experienced something that fans could cheer about. Yes, Jayson Werth got a single at one point.

Oh there was another swing that was a walkoff home run too. That probably changed things more.

Continue reading

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