Tag Archives: Afghanistan

All Akimbrel: U.S. Left With Hands on Hips After Tough Loss

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, United States 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game:: The American occupation of the Dominican Republic in 1965-66

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “How could the U.S. occupation of the Dominican Republic, which lead to an American-favored ruler being installed as President who would rule for two decades, be considered a metaphor for a game in which American was defeated?”

I’ll tell you how, you heartless bastard. No military intervention in another country’s domestic affairs can EVER be considered a victory, because foreign occupations for the sake of American strategic gain are MORALLY REPUGNANT. Even when the other country is in the midst of a civil war, as the DR was in 1965, military action cannot be justified. WHO ARE WE to decide the fate of the Dominican people? WHO ARE WE to decide that they would be better off if they “didn’t have a civil war?”

Lyndon Johnson may have thought he won this war, but his soul was defeated. The ethics of U.S. foreign policy suffered a loss in the Dominican Republic comparable to Craig Kimbrel giving up a go-ahead single to Eric Aybar in the 9th inning last night.

And the United States never recovered from its moral failing. Vietnam, Iraq, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq again, Libya. Not coming back against Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the 9th. Look how far America has fallen from its righteous beginnings.

True victories are not measured in battles won, casualties sustained, or economic and political benefits attained. They are measured by whether we have abided by our moral principles.

And also, runs scored.

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The ‘Kakis a Lie: 11th Inning Homer Portals Orioles Over Nats

“Ha ha, you hit yourself in the face with a bat.” (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.

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The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as ¬†drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.¬† Continue reading

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