Tag Archives: All-Star Game

How the Nationals Did in the All-Star Game

Strasburg laughs when Verlander is announced as the All-Star starter.

The National League has won the All-Star Game by a score of 8-0. It was the most exciting All-Star game since never. It was very uninteresting. But despite this lack of entertainment, three of the Nationals star players made their Nationals All-Star debuts; Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper. Ian Desmond was made an All-Star as well, but was kept far away from the stadium for the fear that he would try to engage teammates in polite conversation. Few wanted that.

So how did each of the Nationals do in the game?

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The Nationals at the Break


This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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Ian Desmond Sort of Injured, Withdraws From All-Star Game

Ian Desmond’s “Kirk Gibson Injured Home Run Trot” is not very convincing.

Ian Desmond has an “injury.” It’s the kind of injury that makes him hit really well. The injury has caused him to withdraw from the All-Star game, so that it can have some time to heal. During the last two days when he’s been “injured,” Desmond has hit two enormous home runs. Since he first started feeling this “injury” in June, he’s hitting .340 with 8 home runs. Desmond claims the injury is of his oblique muscle, but I’m skeptical. I think it’s an injury of the part of his soul that compels him to play baseball badly. I’m very worried that his decision to “heal” the “injury” will revert him to his usual failure of a self.

Replacing Desmond on the NL squad is notorious probable-illegal-immigrant Michael Bourn. Now that he’s no longer a rival of Bryce Harper in getting into the All-Star Game, the ill-will that I have borne Bourn is mostly gone.

The only man of the original five NL Final Vote candidates who is now not going to the All-Star game is Aaron Hill. Hill’s plans for Tuesday night include sitting at home alone watching The Notebook, calling all his ex-girlfriends, and eating Haagen-Dazs until the grief lulls him to sleep.

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Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Bryce Harper: Range We Can Believe In

Every good candidate needs a good slogan, and we’ve found one for Bryce Harper’s campaign for the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star Team. “Range We Can Believe In” evokes both the powerful emotions that people felt during Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign and the even more powerful emotions that people feel every time they see Bryce Harper running really far to catch a baseball.

So make yard signs, bumper stickers, facebook groups, shirts. Write it in bathrooms, at the top of your PhD theses; use airplanes to write it in the sky, and massive space paint-cannons to write it on the moon. Let everyone know that they have a new reason to hope, and it’s Bryce Harper’s ability to run down balls in the gap.

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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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Three Nationals Make the All-Star Team

I’m okay with “2012” and “Game,” but one of the two middle lines has to go in order for this logo to make sense.

The NL All-Star roster was released today, and three Nationals made the team. They are: Continue reading

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Let Toddis Win

While lounging near the Nationals dugout about half an hour prior to gametime on Friday night, we were treated to one of the many fan contests that the Nationals love to show off on their mumbojumotron. The object of this contest was to complete as many all star ballots as possible, punching holes next to all the Nationals names, in a two minute time span. The winner would get…some…prize.

There were three contestants: on the left, a Boring Man. On the right, a Boring Man. But in the center…Toddis. Toddis wore a Let Teddy Win shirt, one of the ones with Teddy’s face on it. We immediately realized an astounding fact–Toddis’ face looked as exactly the same as Teddy’s face. If I didn’t know better, I would say that Toddis is actually Theodore Roosevelt’s much younger brother who has lived his whole life in his elder brother’s shadow, failing wherever Teddy succeeded. Actually, I don’t know better, so I will say that. The bushy mustache, the matching eyebrows, the pudgy cheeks–it was as if we were watching Teddy himself punch all-star ballots. Toddis was lacking only Teddy’s glasses and his smile.

No, Toddis was not smiling, because he was too deep in concentration. He punched his ballots with quiet determination, meticulously ensuring that no National went un-voted-for. When the two minutes were up and the ballots were counted, the two Boring Men flanking Toddis each finished with eight ballots, because they had stacked up ballots and punched multiple at the same time. Toddis finished with three. Three perfect ballots, but still just three. Not enough. Toddis lost.

And so, I have a plea for the Nationals organization. Theodore Roosevelt did many successful things in his life, including becoming President and killing many animals. Sure, it’d be nice if he won a President’s Race, but that won’t determine his legacy. But Toddis…I don’t think he has ever won anything. Do the right thing, Nationals. Hold another all star ballot-punching contest.

Let Toddis Win.


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Time to Vote for All-Stars


Yep, Morse is on the ballot this year. Hey, he's got a hit in every at bat this season!

It’s that special time of year when MLB begins the voting for the All-Star Game 3 weeks into the season. With just under 3 months to go until the game, I think we’re pretty certain at this point of who deserves to be on the rosters.

Make sure you vote early and often, because your votes will make a difference! Unless you’re voting for players in the AL. They will be all Yankees, Red Sox, and Josh Hamilton.

So vote to continue the great tradition of Nationals hitters making the all star game. You did it for Cristian Guzman and Dmitri Young, so why not do it for some talented players too?

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