While lounging near the Nationals dugout about half an hour prior to gametime on Friday night, we were treated to one of the many fan contests that the Nationals love to show off on their mumbojumotron. The object of this contest was to complete as many all star ballots as possible, punching holes next to all the Nationals names, in a two minute time span. The winner would get…some…prize.
There were three contestants: on the left, a Boring Man. On the right, a Boring Man. But in the center…Toddis. Toddis wore a Let Teddy Win shirt, one of the ones with Teddy’s face on it. We immediately realized an astounding fact–Toddis’ face looked as exactly the same as Teddy’s face. If I didn’t know better, I would say that Toddis is actually Theodore Roosevelt’s much younger brother who has lived his whole life in his elder brother’s shadow, failing wherever Teddy succeeded. Actually, I don’t know better, so I will say that. The bushy mustache, the matching eyebrows, the pudgy cheeks–it was as if we were watching Teddy himself punch all-star ballots. Toddis was lacking only Teddy’s glasses and his smile.
No, Toddis was not smiling, because he was too deep in concentration. He punched his ballots with quiet determination, meticulously ensuring that no National went un-voted-for. When the two minutes were up and the ballots were counted, the two Boring Men flanking Toddis each finished with eight ballots, because they had stacked up ballots and punched multiple at the same time. Toddis finished with three. Three perfect ballots, but still just three. Not enough. Toddis lost.
And so, I have a plea for the Nationals organization. Theodore Roosevelt did many successful things in his life, including becoming President and killing many animals. Sure, it’d be nice if he won a President’s Race, but that won’t determine his legacy. But Toddis…I don’t think he has ever won anything. Do the right thing, Nationals. Hold another all star ballot-punching contest.
Let Toddis Win.