Tag Archives: allergies

Splitting Hairs, Scalps, Games: Nats Keep One Head Intact After Braves Doubleheader

The Nationals “forgot” that John Lannan is allergic to gatorade. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Braves 4, Nationals 0; Nationals 5, Braves 2

Dame of the Games:

Roger Bernadina: 5-7, R, RBI. The Shark hasn’t often been spotted of late. He was swimming beneath the surface, biding his time, waiting for some vulnerable, unsuspecting, overly-Brave surfers to happen by so he could rip off their legs. Roger had a feast of legs last night.

Shame of the Games:

Steve Lombardozzi: 0-9, 2 K. If Steve Lombardozzi were a cat and his at-bats yesterday were lives, he’d be dead.


Coming off Friday’s game in which the good morale of the Nationals was wrenched out of their smiles, put in a meat grinder, sat on by a man who just died of obesity, and fed to a pack of rabid wolves, their prospects for Saturday’s doubleheader seemed grim.

They bounced back quickly in game one. By which I mean they bounced from the horrible place they were after Friday backwards to an even worse place. A place where they get shut out by someone who has hardly pitched in the majors in two years. A place where it’s eternally 2006 and all the women look like Sean Burnett in a wig. Let’s not be in that place any more, please.

Unable to cause any pleasure under the Sheets, the Nats found themselves just 1.5 games ahead of Atlanta and in serious risk of surrendering the series lead by the end of the weekend. Their greatest hope of fending off this onslaught and regaining some modicum of momentum was a man who hasn’t been seen in many moons around Nationals Park. An old veteran once beloved by his people because they lacked anyone better to love, now cast aside in the face of younger, stronger, more able men. A bitter man who probably hates the Nationals more than anything else. Continue reading

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Chien Up: Wang Controls Balls Well and Squeezes Out A Satisfying Result


Clippard had a bit of a hard time understanding how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Blue Jays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 3-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce has come into Canada strong by going 6-8 so far in this series, and blowing everyone away. Upon first arriving in Toronto, he remarked that it was kind of the city to erect a giant space needle to represent his manhood, although claimed it was a bit on the small side. Perhaps his quality performance to this point has excited it enough for it to grow another 3 or 4 stories.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Encarnacion: 0-4, 1 K. Edwin hasn’t produced out of a crucial part of the lineup in these two games against the Nationals. I think we’re exposing him for the poor player he actually is. I knew his torrid pace to start the season couldn’t keep going. He couldn’t keep seeing the ball that well; we all know people in his family don’t have good eyes.


Playing on turf is tough for most players. The ball does weird things, it’s bad for your legs, it’s disliked by many players. But the Nationals have been playing so successfully the first two games of the series that they clearly like it. Well little do people know, the Nationals have tremendous seasonal allergies, and being inside an artificial dome is what they have dreamed about for years. They can finally stop having watery eyes, except for the ones caused by tears after seeing Davey put Espinosa back in the leadoff spot. They can finally have clean nasal passages, except when Ian Desmond accidentally sticks marbles up there thinking it would be a cool prank to play.

Toronto is really an allergic person’s paradise, and the Nationals have been thriving. Steps have already been taken, after seeing this success, to rid Nationals Park of all allergens. The field will be torn up, the stadium will be enclosed in a giant bag, all food will be thrown out, all fans will not be allowed to bring in fabrics and will have to come naked, and rubber gloves will have to be worn by all players. I can just imagine it now, two teams of naked men in rubber gloves performing in near darkness in front of thousands of also naked people. That’s how baseball was meant to be played.

Continue reading

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Go Jump Off a Lidge: Nats Win Despite Awful Job by Awful Person

Another failed attempt at matchmaking by Rick Ankiel (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 1-4, HR, R, 2 RBI, K, Walk Off Sac Fly. Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. Fine. Here it is. Just take your reward and never come back. I still hate you, Ian Desmond.

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: 1 IP, 2 ER, HR, 3 BB, BS. I’ll deal with you later, Brad Lidge.


I had a great headline about how great Stephen Strasburg is all ready to go. With a paint-shop and everything. I was all ready to post it and go take a nap. I looked longingly at my bed. Staring back at me, just peeking out from under my covers, were the pathetic, loathsome eyes of Brad Lidge. The one man standing between me and blissful slumber. “Come on, Brad Lidge. I’m exhausted. Just let me get some of that sweet bed and forget all about worries and cares of my wearisome existence. Pretty please with Davey Johnson’s dandruff on top?”

“No. I’m stealing your bed. And furthermore I’m about to give up a two-run, game-tying home run to Logan Morrison.”

“Fuck you, Brad Lidge.” Continue reading

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No, that's not Eddie Guardado

The “Zimmerman” name has been in the news a lot lately in the form of George Zimmerman, the Florida police officer who shot and killed an unarmed young man named Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman has claimed that he acted in self-defense, presumably because he has a fatal allergy to high concentrations of melanin in nearby skin since that’s the only way that would make sense.

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram would like to state that it has no affiliation with George Zimmerman. While it is possible that George Zimmerman was extra-sensitive to the possibility of non-whites attacking him because of the historical connotations of his surname, that is fairly unlikely. He was probably just your average racist who’s ignorant about World War I.

To reiterate: we do not encourage the indiscriminate murder of black people. In fact, if Edwin Jackson walked up to me on the street wearing a hoodie and munching on some skittles, all he’d get would be a big, sloppy, rainbow-flavored kiss.

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