Tag Archives: AMERICA!

Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

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The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

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The Morrowind Dies Down: Nats Take Advantage of Injury Like Lions, Thankfully Don’t Go 0-16

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You know what they say. Give up a home run, grab your penis. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 2 ER, 3 K. Jackson finally won a road game, his first one as a National. Before each away game to this point, Jackson had confusedly asked “Where am I?” never bothering to look at a map or listen. While the team had told him the truth until this point, they brought a “Welcome Home” banner and hung it in the clubhouse on this trip. Jackson was ecstatic to be in what he believed was his home, but devastated that his microwave was nowhere to be found. Jackson is not very bright.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Morrow: Loss, 0 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 Injury. Morrow left the game early with a strained side. Maybe next time he shouldn’t order the peas and carrots.

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The Nationals were riding high going into Toronto, in part because of their sweep of the Red Sox, but also because of Canada’s more lenient marijuana laws. This was a big moment for the nation’s team to show Canada that America means business, and they did just that in some very American ways. LaRoche and Ankiel launched bombs, Jackson fired bullets, and Sean Burnett ate so many Big Macs that his performance in the 9th was filled with shit. But in the end the Nationals came out on top of Canada just like America has in every way ever. Except geography. And social health programs. And human rights. And… you know what, fuck that. AMERICA!

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