Tag Archives: Andrew Jackson

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:


Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans


Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.


In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

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Jackson Sends Reds Away In a Trail of Tears

Edwin Jackson remembered in the middle of this pitch that he had a big bowl of juicy cherries waiting for him when he got home.

Final Score: Nationals 4, Reds 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, 1 BB, 9 K. It’s been a very long time since the Dame of the Game has been someone who is not a member of the Nationals’ starting rotation. There are three reasons for this. 1) The Nats starting rotation has been ridiculous. 2) The Nats offense has been mediocre. 3) The Nats starting pitchers have been bribing us with signed, game-used jockstraps to make sure that they all win Dame of the Game. Offense and bullpen, can you top that?

Shame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 0-5, K, 4 LOB. It’s about time. Get ready for a lot more of these.

The Jacksonian Era in Washington has officially begun. Uh, begun again. There were just over 175 years between the day that Andrew Jackson left the White House and the day that Edwin Jackson pitched a complete game two-hitter in his first start at Nationals Park, but at long last the most important person in the nation’s capital is a Jackson. And unlike last time, it’s totally acceptable for that person to be black.  Continue reading

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