Tag Archives: animals

A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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A Spainful Defeat: Another Colony Gets Revenge on the Motherland

Puerto Rico got a little help from @Teddy26Nats

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Spain 0

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Spanish-American War

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Puerto Rico was one of the last Caribbean colonies that Spain was able to clutch on to with its siesta-taking tentacles. The Puerto Rican independence movement started hitting the big time in 1868, when the island first revolted against Spanish rule. And then immediately lost against some lackluster Spanish militia. Poor Puerto Rico.

Fortunately for the rich port-ers, they got some help from a friendly neighbor in 1898 in the form of the United Fucking States. While the U.S. didn’t decisively take Puerto Rico militarily, Spain did cede the island in the 1898 Treaty of Paris, in which the Spanish admitted to having lost the war pretty badly.

Puerto Rico was free! By which I mean they were American, not independent. But aside from the freedom, the best part about being American was that Puerto Rico could start learning new things at which to beat the Spanish. Continue reading

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Kang-aroo Jack: Home Run Gives Korea Insufficient Win

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is.

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is

Final Score: Korea 3, Chinese Taipei 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The intense baseball rivalry that apparently exists between Korea and Taiwan

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Bottom of the 8th. One on, two out. Korea down by a run. Up steps the Korean third baseman, Jungho Kang. All the eyes of Asia, [racist joke redacted], are upon him. The pitch comes in, and Kang gives it a mighty wallop. Up, up and away it flies, deep into the night. The ball keeps traveling without regard for outfielder or fence. As it landed in the seats, every Korean south of the DMZ erupted in joy (not to be confused with the simultaneous eruption in North Korea, which was just another underground nuclear weapons test).

Korea had taken the lead 3-2, and would go on to win the game by the same score. An Instant World Baseball Classic, no? No. You see, the victory merely put Korea into a three-way tie with Chinese Taipei and the Netherlands for the two second round spots from Pool B. Korea had the worst run differential in games against the other two teams, so they’re out of the tournament.

Continue reading

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I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

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Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

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The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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Eighth Wonder of the World: Nats’ Eight Game Winning Streak Rivals Pyramids, Colossus

I know Jayson Werth is extremely huggable, Stephen, but there’s a time and a place. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Diamondbacks 5

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, R, RBI, BB. Werth has been pretty good since coming back from the disabled list. So good it makes me want to give him $126 million. Well, not actually.

Shame of the Game:

Wade Miley: 4.1 IP, 6 R, 4 ER, 9 H, BB, 2 K. Miley’s not smiley.

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Last year, it was a big deal when the Nats won eight games in a row. Now, it’s a bit…passé. Seems to happen every couple weeks. Especially playing eight games against teams that would probably lose eight straight games against any team that hadn’t already given up on the season and was using their at-bats to practice their golf swings.

Sapping more of the excitement out of this streak is the fact that the Braves have also won most of their last eight games, presumably just to annoy us. The Braves just keep sticking around at about four games back, like a remora fish on our Sharkadina-led juggernaut. As long as this relationship stays commensal, I won’t complain too much. But don’t you DARE start being parasites, Atlanta. We will FUCK YOU UP. Continue reading

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Dunn Dunn… Dunn Dunn…: Jaws Drop as Nats Attack in 8th

Final Score: Nationals 10, Marlins 7.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 3 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Adam hit two home runs and reached on a crucial error, showing a nice mix of power and luck. He would do well at a casino, in that Lady Luck would be on his side, and he could also just punch dealers until they give him money.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Dunn: .2 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 6 R, 0 ER, 1 K, 1 E. None of Dunn’s runs were technically earned, but they came after his fielding error. If every pitcher did like Dunn and began the inning with an embarrassing error, they would have a fantastic ERA. They would also be very bad.

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A little mistake can spiral out of control. Like signing with the Phillies, or reproducing while having the last name Gorzelanny, things may not look terrible at first. But you will soon pay a great price. Today, Michael Dunn made a little error. No biggie, Marlins still up by 2. 1. 0. -1. -2. -3. -4. Well that escalated quickly.

Continue reading

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Nats Prefer Hand to Johnson in Evening Coupling

Carlos Lee takes a break from the action to read this month’s Cosmo. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Nationals 7, Marlins 4; Marlins 5, Nationals 2

Dame of the Games:

Adam LaRoche: 3-8, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB, K. By which I really mean “Dame of the First Game,” since he went 0-4 in the second, but I checked the “Doubleheader” section of the ponderous Dame and Shame of the Game Rulebook I have sitting next to my computer at all times and I don’t think I’m allowed to hand out that award.

Shames of the Games:

The catchers (Jesus Flores and Sandy Leon): 0-7, 4 K, 7 LOB. Psssst. Hey, Kurt Suzuki! Yeah, you. The worst hitter in the AL. C’mon over here. See if you can’t…do better than these guys.

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For the second straight doubleheader, John Lannan won one game and the Nats lost the other. That’s counter-intuitive in the same way that it would be counter-intuitive if the force of gravity changed into a force that just made people perpetually collide at high speeds with the nearest other person to them. I’d rather have the Lannan thing happen than that though, I guess.

It was, on the whole, a rather unsatisfactory day for the Nats, whose split was marred by an accompanying Braves loss and an NL East lead that can now be counted on two fingers, or even two hands if you don’t know how to count with your fingers. Continue reading

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