Tag Archives: apocalypse

Double Dutch: Netherlands Leap Over Cuba For Second Time

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

Final Score: Netherlands 7, Cuba 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Dutch role in preventing the Cuban Missile Crisis


This, ladmen and gentleladies, is why the World Baseball Classic is wonderful. A baseball powerhouse against a baseball upstart; the New World against the Old and the Old Baseball World against the New. Someone named Kalian Sams hitting a walk-off sac fly.

If you have been an assiduous follower of The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s WBC coverage (FOR SHAME if you have not), you’ll clearly remember my comrade’s coverage of the last CUB-NED game, which was an obvious metaphor for Dutch adventures in 17th century Spanish Cuba. For this post, the foreign power the Dutch are dealing with in Cuba will be not the Spanish, but the Soviet Union. We’re later in the World Baseball Classic, so the metaphor is later in time. Obviously. Continue reading

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.


The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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Strasburg’s Last Start Announced

The skies darken. The winds swirl. The seas roil. The earth trembles.

The end is nigh. We knew it was nigh before, but now we know exactly how nigh. I can stop trying to figure out when exactly Stephen Strasburg will be shut down by checking this site.

The date? September 12, 2012. That gives you exactly 10 days to stock up on provisions, build an underground bunker, arm yourself for the anarchy to come, or just try to shoot yourself into space. Because no one knows what horrors we will face in a post-9/12 world.

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Step Right Up and Sweep the Mets: Nats Have the Time of Their Lives, Mets Fans Don’t

Sean Burnett convinced Jordany Valdespin to stop moving and put his hands up because he was the police. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 11 K. If the Nats can clinch the division before Strasburg’s catches up to his innings limit, things’d be a whole lot easier. They might have to win about 20 games in a row to do that, but it’s worth a shot.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasbug: 0-3, 2 K, 4 LOB. An unacceptable performance from the best hitter on the team.


This game was boring in a good way. The Nats won again, playing solidly all around. They got three home runs from people often associated with animals–Michael Morse (horse), Adam LaRoche (deer), and Danny Espinosa (chipmunk, by me right now). The most excitement happened when Davey Johnson made the curious decision of intentionally walking two Mets in the eight inning by bringing in Henry Rodriguez–at least I assume that was the intention, since I don’t know why else you would bring him in. Fortunately Drew Storen cleaned up the mess like he was born with a Shamwow in his hand.

Best of all was Stephen Strasburg, who turned in one of his signature performances. To celebrate his excellent start, here are some definitely true facts about Stephen presented anacrostically. Continue reading

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Hanging Chad: Tracy Injured, Corey Brown Called Up

Chad Tracy, before pain replaced smiles

When Corey Brown strode to the plate this afternoon with two outs and no one on in the 9th, Nationals fans everywhere were shocked and appalled. Many looked to the heavens and screeched. Many covered their eyes with a pillow and said “No no no no no no no bad bad bad bad.” Other simply went to the bathroom and never emerged. Where was Chad Tracy, who would typically pinch hit in that situation and somehow deliver a two-run game tying home run? Well, the answer is worse than could possibly be imagined. Or probably what you expected, if you’re a rational person. Chad Tracy is on the Disabled List with a pulled hamstring. I know. I know. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. IT WON’T BE OKAY I KNOW IT YOU KNOW IT EVERYONE KNOWS IT. DOOMSDAY IS UPON US. PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN THE BASEMENT AND SAY GOODBYE FOREVER.

Did Corey Brown succeed in Tracy’s absence? No, he flew out. Not surprising, since as everyone knows the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Pestilence, War, Death, and Corey Brown Flying Out.


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