Tag Archives: Arabs

If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make lovingĀ so hard.

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Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms thatĀ work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option. Continue reading

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Sixth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis College of Cardinals

Jason Motte used his World Series bonus to buy himself larger cheeks.

There are many things of which there are none in baseball. There is no crying in baseball. There is no clock in baseball. There are no women in baseball. There are no Arabs in baseball. There is no nudity in baseball, sadly. But perhaps the most important axiom in baseball–nay, in the entire English language–nay, in the history of communication–is that there are no ties in baseball.

Yet in the baseball game that took place today between the Nationals and the Cardinals, the outcome was a tie.* How did this happen? Was it because it was just a spring training game and no one cared who won? Or was it because this was a game between two teams that had reached the absolute pinnacle of baseball ability such that their perfected talents would eternally cancel each other out and prevent the game from ever being resolved? The answer is yes. Both of these. For when Carlos Maldonado hit a two-run homer off Lance Lynn to tie the game at 3 with no outs in the bottom of the ninth, everyone watching knew: this was a game that would not end, could not end, without being stopped short.

*The most notable previous exception to this rule was the 2002 All-Star Game, declared a tie after 11 innings by Commissioner Bud Selig. The occasion was later immortalized in legendary rock band Paulman Berg’s epic ballad, The Night We All Kissed Our Sisters.

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