Tag Archives: Arizona Diamondbacks

A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans

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Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.

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In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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Nats Encounter Terrible Time in Arizona, Odd Because They Aren’t All Hispanic

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John MacDonald has some fun playing soccer. With a bat. He is not bright. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 7, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Cesar Izturis: 1-1, 1 2B, 2 R. Cesar is now 2-2 with 4 runs as a National. You may ask, why all the runs with so few at bats? And I say, bad pre-game Mexican food.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, 1 E. Suzuki turned in another 0-for-4 performance, coupled with his first error as a National. He had committed many errors in Oakland however, including making himself seem valuable in some way to the Nationals.

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Ross Detwiler was sick tonight. No, he didn’t have nasty stuff. He was sick. No, he didn’t do something gross like poop in his glove and then use it. He was sick. No, he wasn’t spelled incorrectly and quoted. He was sick. He just didn’t feel well. And that showed on the mound. In more ways than just the mound being covered in sniffles and vomit. For every runner Detwiler allowed, he also gave up an earned run. Which would’ve been fine if he didn’t allow any runners. But he did. So that’s bad.

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Eighth Wonder of the World: Nats’ Eight Game Winning Streak Rivals Pyramids, Colossus

I know Jayson Werth is extremely huggable, Stephen, but there’s a time and a place. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Diamondbacks 5

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, R, RBI, BB. Werth has been pretty good since coming back from the disabled list. So good it makes me want to give him $126 million. Well, not actually.

Shame of the Game:

Wade Miley: 4.1 IP, 6 R, 4 ER, 9 H, BB, 2 K. Miley’s not smiley.

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Last year, it was a big deal when the Nats won eight games in a row. Now, it’s a bit…passé. Seems to happen every couple weeks. Especially playing eight games against teams that would probably lose eight straight games against any team that hadn’t already given up on the season and was using their at-bats to practice their golf swings.

Sapping more of the excitement out of this streak is the fact that the Braves have also won most of their last eight games, presumably just to annoy us. The Braves just keep sticking around at about four games back, like a remora fish on our Sharkadina-led juggernaut. As long as this relationship stays commensal, I won’t complain too much. But don’t you DARE start being parasites, Atlanta. We will FUCK YOU UP. Continue reading

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Three Hit Theory: Diamondbacks’ Failure Successfully Advertised

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Dale Scott has an emotional breakdown at the beauty of Strasburg’s stuff. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Diamondbacks 1.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 6 IP, 1 H, 4 BB, 1 ER, 6 K. If only Strasburg was on a hits allowed limit, he would pitch well into next fall. Which is what I’m hoping, I don’t want to deal with an innings limit again next season.

Shame of the Game:

Mike Zagurski: 1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. The Diamondbacks were overall terrible, so it was tough picking out one player to shame. In the end, I just went with my personal rule; when in doubt, blame the Phillie. Zagurski had played for Phillies before in his career, and had also given up 4 earned runs in one inning tonight. I thought these two things together made him very shameful. Although let’s be honest, the former would’ve done just fine by itself.

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70 is a big number. Heck, it’s bigger than 69. 68. 67. 66. 65. 64. 63. 62. 61. 60. 59. 58. 57. 56. 55. 54. 53. 52. 51. 50. 49. 48. 47. 46. 45. 44. 43. 42. 41. 40. 39. 38. 37. 36. 35. 34. 33. 32. 31. 30. 29. 28. 27. 26. 25. 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Even 1. And let’s not even get started with the non-integers and negative numbers, some of which are one in the same! But I digress. The Nationals won their 70th game tonight and that’s pretty cool.

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Desmond’s Tutu-Run Home Run Brings Nats Walkoff Win

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Scary moment as gravity temporarily disappeared when Desmond tried to touch home. He was successfully weighed down however by the tremendous sense of failure he has yet to shake off. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Diamondbacks 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-5, 1 R, 2 RBI, 1 2B, Walkoff HR. Have you ever smiled when someone says the name Ian Desmond? Yeah apparently you can. No, I’m not lying. Desmond was the star of the night, and not the type of star that forms a black hole and sucks up everything beautiful surrounding it. He was the type of star that actually contributes positively to the universe. I would suggest not getting too close, much like a real star. Bad things probably happen when you touch him.

Shame of the Game:

J.J. Putz: Loss, Blown Save, .2 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 2 K. What a Putz. This guy epitomizes what a Putz is. That whole family is sadly full of worthless, stupid people. It’s miraculous that they’ve survived this long. J.J. has done the noble thing though in order to remove this failure of a gene pool from the planet and agreed not to procreate, much like Hitler’s surviving relatives. Yes, these are comparable things.

Five straight losses. Up until tonight the Nats had been reminding us fans of the Nationals of old, losing game after game and crying in the showers. We’re not sure if this is because they lost so much or if it’s since Davey Johnson insists on showering with the team. But with one swing of the bat, something changed for the Nationals. With one swing of the bat, the Nationals experienced something that fans could cheer about. Yes, Jayson Werth got a single at one point.

Oh there was another swing that was a walkoff home run too. That probably changed things more.

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Nats Offense is Flaccid and Placid in 5th Straight Loss

We all know you're on the Nationals, Bryce Harper. Stop trying to hide it. It's not that embarrassing. (Also, your pullover kinda gives it away) (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 1-1, 2B, R. He did nothing wrong, unlike everyone else.

Shame of the Game:

The whole offense: Ugly. So ugly they made Trevor Cahill look handsome. Well, not really.

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Happy International Workers Day, everybody. Today is a day when we celebrate the proletariat, the poor, the downtrodden, the have-nots. And who has less than the Nationals offense these days? If runs were wealth, the Nationals would be living in a hovel made out of wealthy peoples’ litter, eating their own pets and drinking each others’ saliva. They’d be camping outside Nationals Park with signs that say “We Are the 99%,” which would be a total lie because they’re really only about the 3.3% of baseball players and everyone else gets a normal amount of runs.

But runs aren’t wealth.  Money is wealth, and the Nationals hitters are making plenty of money. So they really have no right to be celebrating May Day by not scoring any runs in solidarity with the billions of oppressed workers worldwide. Yet that’s exactly what they did. These days,  I don’t even bother to watch Nationals games until the 5th inning or so because I can be pretty confident that no one’s scored yet. Granted, today was another “let’s screw over Jordan Zimmermann” day, but even after the Mermann swam out of the game the offensive performance was underwhelming. “But maybe Trevor Cahill is just a fabulous, Hall of Fame-bound pitcher,” you say. Stop saying that, it’s stupid. Continue reading

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2012 MLB Season Predictions

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Someone will win this.

Despite the first series of 2012 baseball having come to a close, it still is early enough to not know exactly what will end up happening as the season plays on. While many experts have already made their predictions, this blog has failed to do so up until this point. However that changes now, as below are my predictions for the standings and awards for the upcoming baseball season. As I said before, it’s hard to know what’s to come for sure. But I think after watching a weekend of baseball, I have as good an idea as anybody.

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Nationals sign Xavier Nady

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Both Nady and his trainer came to the conclusion that shirts don't always tell the truth.

The Nationals signed veteran outfielder Xavier Nady to a minor league deal today, giving them a bit of insurance in the wake of the multiple injuries the team is dealing with. Nady won’t attend big league camp, and will begin the year in AAA Syracuse. He spent 82 games last season with the Arizona Diamondbacks, and didn’t play a full season after being pulled over and arrested for not looking white enough.

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