Tag Archives: assault

If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make lovingĀ so hard.

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Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms thatĀ work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option. Continue reading

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Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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