Tag Archives: Atlanta Braves

Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

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Cardinals Overcome Reason, Advance to Play Nats

We needn’t wonder about the Nats opponent any further. It has become clear. With the Cardinals winning tonight’s game vs. the Braves, it is clear the Nationals will have to fight against the MLB rulebook if they want to advance to the NLCS.

The Cardinals didn’t deserve to win tonight. The Braves didn’t either, but they certainly got screwed over. I hope the Cardinals don’t develop a new rally animal called the “Rally Umpire.” A crazed Sam Holbrook who runs across the field at crucial times calling infield fly rules and confusing the players into giving the Cardinals wins.

The Nats fly to St. Louis tomorrow and open up there Sunday afternoon. Hopefully the brightness in the daytime doesn’t affect our players. Not of the sun, but the overwhelming whiteness of their predominantly old Caucasian fan base.

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Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

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Pittsburgh, It Gets Better

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Yeah.

Pittsburgh. You did a great thing Monday night. You helped us win the NL East. I know this might feel good in a way, as it negatively impacted the Braves who had hurt you so badly in 1992. But I can still sense that even with this, you’re still depressed. 20 losing seasons is tough. To never have personal success is tough. But as a thank you for how you have helped us, I want to assure you of one thing that us in the Nationals family know to be true that can hopefully get you through this time.

It gets better.

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Nationals Win the NL East

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I had no idea the Pirates would be so happy for us.

With a win tonight, the Nationals have won the NL East. No, it wasn’t a Nationals win, it was a win by the Pirates. The Pirates winning tied into a team becoming division champs? That’s rarer than Haley’s Comet.

The Nationals lost vs. the Phillies, but who cares. We’re division champs. We’re safe from the wild card, which to be honest, always did fuck me over in Uno. I’m glad we can sit back and bask in the glory of a divisional title, while Atlanta fights for their lives. Better fight for them while they still matter, cause you have nothing to live for once Chipper is gone.

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A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans

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Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.

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In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

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A Minor Catastrophe: Nats Get Swept by Braves

The game is so depressing that Ian Desmond tries to strangle himself. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game: 

Chad Durbin: 1 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 1 K. Just in case this is the last time I get to say it this year…Dur.

*sniffle*

Bin.

Shame of the Game: 

Mark DeRosa: 0-1. What is he still doing here? Did we just forget he was on the team because he’s so boring? Who was supposed to get this at-bat? Are we sure they’re still alive?

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Baaaaa-ba-da-ba-BA-BAAAA

Jon Miller: Welcome to Sunday Night Baseball. I’m Jon Miller, and this is my partner Joe-

Joe Morgan: Joe Mogrom.

Miller: Morgan.

Morgan: Mortgage.

Morgan: Joe Morgan.

Miller: Tonight, divisional rivals Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves battle it out in a potential playoff preview. These are two great teams–what do you think is the key to the game, Joe?

Morgan: Well, Gio Gonzalez has a chance to get his 20th win tonight. That would really put him strongly in Cy Young contention. And if he does that, I think the Nationals might have a real shot in the playoffs with a 20 game winner on their staff.

Miller: Great point, Joe. Alright, let’s get to the starting lineups. Leading off for the Nationals, Carlos BelTRAN.

Morgan: That’s not Carlos Beltan, that’s Jayson Werth.

Miller: What? Oh, yeah. Batting second… Continue reading

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Ejection Day: Ryan is Wrong for Washington

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Dan Uggla? I’m so sorry. (Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images)

(A note: Sorry for the delay for this post. I’ve been experiencing bad allergies that have kept me from functioning properly. Maybe I’m allergic to horrible failure by the Nationals. The allergies did just start on Friday.)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. LaRoche reached the 30 HR plateau on Saturday. I’m impressed he’s able to accomplish a task that requires such consistency, considering his affliction. No, I’m not referring to his ADHD. I’m referring

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: Loss, 1 H, 2 BB, 1 HBP, 1 ER. Mattheus could not find the strike zone. He’d make a good umpire after retirement, not knowing where the strike zone is and all.

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The elderly get no respect from those who are in charge. First it’s politicians trying to cut their health services. Then it’s Bingo hall attendants who won’t give them that Bingo just cause they’re playing with too many cards which is apparently unfair. They want that banana pudding, damn you! And now, it’s umpires. I’m sure when Davey Johnson came out of the dugout to protest that play at first, the umpires simply thought he was confused and lost. But he had a point he needed to make. One that wasn’t about walking to school 15 miles, uphill both ways. And what happened? He was ejected.

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