Tag Archives: Bad Parents

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Tom Gorzelanny

Parents make mistakes.

Some leave children in boxes to die. Others, some would say more, don’t.

One can argue that Tom Gorzelanny’s parents being a part of the latter group, which they sadly were, also makes them part of that very group of parents who make mistakes. What certainly adds his parents to that mistake making collection of people is their poor choice of a name for their one-time newborn and current man who is locked out of family functions.

There are few baseball players that I find to have more disgusting sounding names than Tom’s. It’s not his first name that bugs me, although Tom does literally translate to “anus” in Hungarian. It’s the last name, Gorzelanny, that just gives off the vibe of disgustingness.

Tom is not exactly an attractive man to begin with, but I feel that he could be a great deal uglier. In fact, after experiencing the looks of other ballplayers like John Lackey, I know for certain that Tom could be a lot uglier.

Now one could argue that the last name wasn’t even under consideration in the baby naming process since it is usually just automatically passed down from the parents. Few people know however, that Tom’s parents didn’t have last names and wanted to give their child a chance at success by providing him with a last name, making him seem like a normal human. They certainly gave him that chance, but stripped him of the chance for attractiveness.

So we enter the 2012 baseball season with a National fighting for a starting role, but also for a nice looking face.

I think we all know which of those he’s more likely to accomplish.

The answer is neither. Cause he’s not very good and he’s very ugly.

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