Tag Archives: balks

Split Peavy Soup: Nats Slurp Up White Sox in Series Opener

When the sunlight reflects off this sign at just the right angle, you can make out the faint hidden hologram message: “Suck it, Phillies.”

Final Score: Nationals 8, White Sox 7.

Belle of the Ball: Adam LaRoche. Adam’s two home runs made me forgive his 0-14 start to the season, but will I ever forget? Yeah, probably, in a couple months.

Smell of the Ball: Rafael Soriano. Save or no, Soriano smelled like a toilet that had gone unflushed flushed for a thousand years.

Man, I love Gio Gonzalez. Can’t get enough of him. I go to all his starts. I love when he pitches, when he hits, when he just sits in the dugout and grins, when he balks with the bases loaded–wait. No. I hate when he does that. Damn it, Gio.

But even in the face of such a balk, I will not balk (HA) at expressing my affection for Gio, especially when he follows it up with four scoreless innings. Continue reading

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The Dickey’s Mightier: Mets Claw Nats in Cockfight

Wang’s attempt at a more creative windup was immediately and peremptorily declared a balk. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Finale Score: Mets 3, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game*:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-4, HR, R, RBI, K. The asterisk is because no National was a true dame today. Zimmerman’s meaningless 9th inning home run was the closest anyone got to making it seem like the entire team hadn’t stayed up all night gorging themselves on a never ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden.

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 0-4, 2K. Plus he injured his back diving for a ball and may not play against the Red Sox this weekend, which would be a profound loss for mankind. I would give my left mother to watch him steal home off Josh Beckett.


Look, I didn’t wake up this morning wanting to make another penis joke. I’ve been writing a lot about penises lately, and it’s making me think about penises more than I really want to. Nor did I want to make a racist joke. I’m not a racist person and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad about their race’s stereotypical characteristics. So I’m just going to lay out the facts for you, as objectively as I can. Last start, Wang was outperformed by a man named Johnson. Today, Wang lost to a man named Dickey. Wang is Asian. His opponents were not Asian. The universe has conspired to bring about this remarkable confluence of events and place me in the uncomfortable position of refusing to make this joke. I feel like Tantalus, except that it’s not grapes dangling over my head but penis jokes hanging from a penis tree.

Continue reading

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