Tag Archives: Baltimore Orioles

Davey Johnson Wins Manager of the Year

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Move over Jack Strumski.

Davey Johnson has won something for the second time today. Everyday he wins the battle vs. Death, but today he won something special additionally. Davey took home Manager of the Year honors for the 2nd time in his career, having done so in Baltimore in 1997.

Davey beat out Dusty Baker, Bruce Bochy, and a few others who received votes. While Baker famously had a stroke this season, it was not a stroke of luck. His poor fortune continues with losing this award. Bochy’s style of ball got praise from all around the league, but insisting on using bocce balls during BP because of the similar sounding name lost him some votes. And some lives of his players. Ozzie Guillen was also considered for the award, until people realized he managed a chop shop instead of a baseball team.

Billy Beane Bob Melvin took home the award in the AL, having led the A’s to the ALDS. His listening to what Beane told him good managing skills were considered the tops in the AL in a close race. Oakland really would not have done well without Beane Melvin. It’s an award not well deserved for Melvin.

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2013 Schedule Announced

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The Pope will be back for a crucial late September series.

Teams across the league announced their preliminary 2013 schedules today. Here is the Nationals schedule. It’s a big change from past years thanks to the Astros’ move to the AL, since there will be an interleague game every day of the year. I don’t like it, it’s immoral. We can’t have this mixing of leagues taking over more than it has. What’s next? American League-Atlantic League exhibitions? That is just disgusting to imagine.

The Nats open at home vs. the Marlins on April 1st. A fitting date for the Marlins to come to town, given that the Marlins fooled the entire league into thinking they would contend so they could get a stadium. Hilarious!

Interleague comes to Washington in just the second week of the season as the White Sox will be here. Who will Obama root for? He’s been so confused in the past. I guess there’s always a chance he could be bi.

One of the coolest things in the schedule is a home-home series vs. the Orioles at the end of May. They play two in DC and then two in Baltimore. Could it be a rematch of the World Series? Hahaha. Wait, I forgot that’s not a joke I can make anymore. Yes, it quite possibly could.

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Jason Hammel Chosen As Harper’s Running Mate

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All-Star caliber pitcher AND interpretive dancer.

The Nationals have found a running mate for Bryce Harper. Washington has partnered with the longtime “rival” Orioles to bring out the voters in greater numbers to support a Bryce Harper/Jason Hammel final vote ticket. Excellent strategy by the Nationals to pick a man from a team that can get the Nats some votes from outside their sphere of influence. Just like on a Presidential ticket, the Nationals played it smart and picked someone from somewhere far far away. That’s right, look for Harper to not only get votes from a 30 mile range around DC, but also from a 40 mile range around DC!

Hammel also balances out the ticket in other ways, including being a pitcher and not having any long-term potential to be good.

What’s really notable about this union between one-time rivals is that we on this blog predicted it back at the beginning of April. We are clearly of a great level of intelligence and should be hired by all teams to suggest alliances for the sake of the All-Star Game Final Vote. White Sox and Cardinals, what about a Peavy/Freese ticket? It almost sounds like “Pee Wee Reese,” if you’re inebriated enough.

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Sean Burnett Fucks the House

Sean Burnett, immediately after having unwanted sex with you and everyone in your residence.

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 2 BB, 3 K. Detwiler reclaimed his rotation spot from Chien-Ming Wang with a flourish. Wang was was upset at his demotion, but kept himself upbeat with that most comforting of thoughts, “at least I’m not John Lannan.”

Shame of the Game:

Sean Burnett: .1 IP, 2 ER, 2 H, BB, Blown Save, Loss. See below.

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I’ve always hated Sean Burnett. Once upon a time, it seemed that he would somehow ruin every Nationals game I attended. Everything would be going well, the Nats seeming like they might actually win a game (back when that didn’t happen so often). They’d be tied or have a lead going in to the 7th or 8th. Then in would come Burnett, and we’d all go home unhappy.

There was a phrase that we creators of The Zimmerman(n) Telegram used, back in those halcyon days before the Telegram even existed (who can even fathom such a time now?). That phrase was “Sean Burnett is going to fuck the house.” We said it every time he came in to pitch. And then one to several batters later, the house was fucked. Sometimes just fucked a little bit, just enough to give us a taste. Sometimes fucked irrevocably and beyond repair. Every time Sean Burnett entered a game, we all lost a little bit of our innocence. Continue reading

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Taking It On The Chen: Nats Belt Wei To Victory

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Harper and Roberts react to the single most impressive “Yo Mamma” joke of all time. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Orioles 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 6.1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 5 K. Black is back! I of course am referring to the black corners of home plate, because tonight Edwin Jackson got the close calls on the edge of the plate that he needed to turn in a very impressive pitching performance. Also Edwin Jackson is black, and was pitching again after a brief expected absence.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, 1 E. Many teams hand out an item as a reward in the clubhouse after games to the best player. The Yankees passed around a wrestling championship belt one year, and the New York Rangers hockey team passes around a fedora. The Nationals do something different, and pass around Ian Desmond’s unwashed socks to the worst player from the game. For the second straight night, Desmond has been left to deal with cold feet as Ryan Zimmerman was subject to flaky bits of fungus-y residue from Ian’s feet. Zim may have signed a big contract in the offseason, but 100 million dollars means nothing when you have to wear a bad man’s socks.

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I was really worried that the Nationals were going to feel down coming into Saturday’s game. They have lost 3 of 4 to the Orioles this season, and started the series off the wrong way. I thought they’d just all be very crabby and play bad. Well thank goodness at least we got one win today, and the only crab-related feeling that the Nationals will come out of Baltimore with is that of fullness from eating a delicious seafood dinner. Also itchiness, from the multiple groupies that they’d probably have sex with. A win in the 2nd game bodes well for a series victory, as the momentum has shifted in Washington’s favor. Let’s hope Baltimore will end up seeing red by the end of this series, hopefully a deeper shade than that on the Nationals player’s crotches caused by this crab infestation.

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Jason Golden Fleeces Nats Out of Win: Hammel and the Or-gonauts Take Opener

This kid thinks he’s so clever, wearing gear from both teams to try and get as many autographs as possible. Well, no one’s going to reward such flagrant pandering–I think he’s overstretching himself. Also, his clothing. Cause he’s fat. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, BB, K. We jest about Zimmermann not getting any run support because people don’t like him. But this sample size is only getting larger and less dismissable by the game. Does he make loud and disgusting noises when he eats? Does he give terrible birthday presents? It’s still a mystery.

Shame of the Game: 

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, K. Both Zimmerman(n)s are represented in today’s game dame/shames. This would be more exciting for The Zimmerman(n) Telegram except for the fact that we probably wouldn’t have named a blog after Ryan if we knew he was going to be so bad. Ryan’s whole season at the plate has been a bit on the shameful side. I can only assume he’s been distracted by his other, more foreign ministerial duties.

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The Battle of the Beltway resumed on Friday. A classic piece of military wisdom is that sometimes the best way to win a battle is to not fight it at all. The Nats may have been well-served to heed this advice, as they lost the opening skirmish of the Battle’s second round. Although, if they hadn’t fought the battle they probably would’ve just forfeited, which would have produced the same result in the standings. They may actually have been better served by just not striking out ten times against Jason Hammel. I guess baseball and war are not always analogous.

Now I finally understand why Sun Tzu’s brief foray into baseball analysis failed. And why Harold Reynolds’ brief foray into being a general resulted in his entire army immediately dying and him cowering behind a bush for several weeks. Continue reading

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You Mad(don) Bro? Joe Forced to Respect His Elder as Davey Takes Series, Bengay

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Joe Maddon insensitively and ignorantly calling out Edwin Jackson and the Nationals for covering their entire bodies in pine tar. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Rays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: .1 IP, 1 K. Out of context, this line is probably one of the least impressive for our dames of the game. But in context, this was a key bases loaded strikeout to preserve a small lead in the 7th inning. I feel bad for Mattheus. For far too long he has been plagued by people not looking at him in the proper context. Some call Mattheus a somewhat odd looking man. But when comparing to some (one) of his teammates, he’s like a flower. A tall, oddly shaped flower. Perhaps a sunflower, with some sort of harmless yet obvious genetic mutation in the gene pool.

Shame of the Game:

Joel Peralta: Loss, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 BB. It seems as if Peralta’s career has begun to pine away and deteriorate. Pitching in his second straight game since being called out for using pine tar, Peralta searched for alternatives, but to no avail. He looked to other forms of tar to help him pitch at the same level, since tar was all he knew. Joel flew in members of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team to cheer for him and build up his confidence, but they didn’t work. He insulted a feudal lord to get covered in tar and feathers, but was told it wasn’t Rays ’79 Throwback Night yet (I meant 1379, of course). Lastly he attempted to immerse himself in a tar pit as if to try and gain powers, but ended up being preserved for millions of years in a lifeless state. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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A new rivalry was born in baseball on Tuesday. A rivalry that required much more prune juice for the main participants than any previous rivalry. Over an issue as simple as the materials on a person’s glove, the Rays and Nats developed a quick dislike for one another. And now, with the series completed, it is clear that the Nationals are the better of two teams. Other than the fact they kind of picked on such an easily ignorable and probably unimportant thing, suggesting that they are actually the more petty of the two teams. But I’m ok with being petty, because he’s a talented musician.

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Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

Stephen Strasburg found Bryce Harper’s congratulatory gesture to be a bit forward. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Orioles 3

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 5 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 8 K; 2-2, HR, 2 R, RBI. At the conclusion of today’s game, Stephen Strasburg had the highest on-base percentage and slugging percentage of anyone in the Nationals lineup…except Tom Gorzelanny. That would be a funny joke if it weren’t so frighteningly true.

Shame of the Game:

Wei-Yin Chen: 4.1 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The shame of this performance will surely wei on him.

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It’s always a special event when a pitcher hits a home run. There’s something thrilling about watching someone succeed at something they’re supposed to be very bad at, like watching Tom Gorzelanny talk to a woman without her running away crying. Humanity came up with division of labor for a reason and it has served us pretty well, but the rules of the National League usually require some inefficiency in a batting lineup. Somehow, Stephen Stasburg has managed to render this potential inefficiency irrelevant, since he would probably be the Nationals’ DH if they were allowed to have one. If early humans had been as skilled at everything as Strasburg is, civilizations would have been unnecessary and we’d still be living in a state of nature, throwing 100 mph rocks at deer all day. While that sounds fun, civilization has produced a lot of great things, most notably baseball. The last time I read my Hobbes and Rousseau there was no mention of baseball in the state of nature. So I guess it’s probably for the best that we only have one Strasburg-Leviathan.

But you didn’t click on this post for my philosophical musings. You clicked on it for a picture of Strasputin’s enormous penis, so here it is: Continue reading

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O’s Belt Way To Victory: Homers Make Homers Sad

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Ryan Zimmerman finds love in the prettiest hand in the world. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 6, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 2B. Zim had a nice offensive day according to some, although I thought the 9/11 jokes were a bit much.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Detwiler continues to turn in mediocre, so-so performances week after week. With Chien working his way back through rehab, the Nationals may have to turn to Wang eventually after continual disappointment with the alternative. At least they won’t have to deal with used tampons in the trash anymore.

Baltimore has always been known for a few things. Crab-related foods, massive amounts of crime, and satanic orgies amongst members of the city council (citation needed). Now, we must strangely include a first place baseball team that continues to win on that list. We can also now include Mole People who eat shoes roaming the streets (citation needed). The Orioles continue to distance themselves from rivals in the AL East, and have increased their all-time lead in the Beltway Series to 21-17. While this seems like an accomplishment, should they really feel that proud? No offense to the Nats, but before this season they weren’t really much of a success. So that 21-17 all-time lead, while a winning record, is no more impressive for the O’s than beating your dog at chess. Unless you have a dog who’s good at chess, that would be pretty impressive.

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The ‘Kakis a Lie: 11th Inning Homer Portals Orioles Over Nats

“Ha ha, you hit yourself in the face with a bat.” (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.

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The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as  drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.  Continue reading

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