Tag Archives: Barack Obama

The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

The end. Continue reading

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Nationals Sign Dan Haren

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Taken moments after a good hand lick.

There are benefits and downsides to sleeping late. On the plus side I feel more rested, I let my sore muscles recuperate, and I spend less time awake still unable to escape the horrible thoughts of game 5 of the NLDS. The horror.

But on the downside people tend to have the nerve to move on with the world while I’m unaware of what’s going on. This morning I woke up to some news that was already hours old. That news is of course that the Nationals have signed Dan Haren to a 1 year, 13 million dollar contract, pending a physical. What am I supposed to do now? It’s hard to draw interest to a story like this when so many have already been written. I need something to attract people. Maybe a few key words will draw a new crowd in, some popular terms that many people search. I’ll just toss a few right in here:

Obama, boobs, Lindsay Lohan, Facebook, colonoscopies, alien mud men, fiscal cliff, The Hobbit, Christmas, Bryce Harper penis (according to our blog’s analytics that is a very popular search), and juice boxes.

Hopefully that gets a new crowd of people to stumble upon this story.

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National Re-Sign Maldonado, Sign Kruml

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“I had a dream job as a baseball player once….It was awful.”

The long National nightmare is over. After so much speculation, Washington will have Carlos Maldonado back, serving this country, for another year. After Maldonado elected free agency, many weren’t sure if we’d ever see his face again. Or if we had ever seen it in the first place? He’s such an obscure player, I really don’t know what he looks like.

But now we are certain that Carlos will return and be in a position much like Obama is. In a dangerous spot in Washington where everyone is looking to take you out (the Oval Office/behind home plate at Nationals Park), with limited chances that they will get anything done (because of a bitter and unhelpful House/tremendously limited baseball ability). Good luck at leading this great country, Carlos.

In other news (I can call it that since news’ reputation as actually important has taken quite a hit in recent years) the Nationals have signed former Yankee Ray Kruml to a minor league deal. Kruml may not be the most talented player, but he does have the most confusing last name. Krum would be a fine name. We’d be able to make a lot of jokes and signs referring to Krum the Horrible, the 9th century Khan of Bulgaria. It would be a great comparison, since Kruml’s chances of being a major leaguer seem somewhat horrible. But instead we’re stuck adding an “l” to everything. Kruml the Horriblel? Doesn’t quite slide off the tongue. In fact, my tongue broke trying to say that.

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Pittsburgh, It Gets Better

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Yeah.

Pittsburgh. You did a great thing Monday night. You helped us win the NL East. I know this might feel good in a way, as it negatively impacted the Braves who had hurt you so badly in 1992. But I can still sense that even with this, you’re still depressed. 20 losing seasons is tough. To never have personal success is tough. But as a thank you for how you have helped us, I want to assure you of one thing that us in the Nationals family know to be true that can hopefully get you through this time.

It gets better.

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The Kemperor’s New Clothes: Clippard Can’t See Dodger Uniforms After Surrendering Home Run

When Zimmerman returned the ball to Lannan, it read, simply, “I wish you were someone else.”

Final Scores: Nationals 3, Dodgers 1; Dodgers 7, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Games: Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. After a number of bad starts recently, Jordan was back to his old tricks. And I don’t mean that trick he used to play on his mother where he would fake his own death. That was mean.

Shame of the Games: John Lannan. 3.2 IP, 6 ER, 8 H, 2 BB, 3 K.. It’s not John Lannan’s fault that he’s such a bad pitcher, really. He, like most people on this earth, is destined to an existence of never truly excelling in his field of choice. Can we really fault him for simply performing at the same level most of us do?

Yes. Hypocrisy’s never stopped me before.

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Every time I hear the word “doubleheader,” naturally the first thing I think of is two baseball games in the same day. But the second thing I think of is some kind of creature that has two heads. Any such creature could, of course, be described as a double-header.

Double-headers can be good, bad, or neutral. My feelings about yesterday’s doubleheader between the Nats and the Dodgers can thus be chronicled in terms of pictures of creatures with two heads that I deem either good, bad, or neutral. Makes sense, right?

For instance. Yesterday’s doubleheader was a single admission doubleheader (I picture a double-headed creature who has only ever admitted guilt to a single horrible crime in his life), so my ticket to the nightcap could have gotten me into both games. But due to Other Commitments, I only arrived at Nats Park after the first game had ended. At that point, the doubleheader was going quite well. The Nats had won the first game 3-1. It looked something like this:

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2013 Schedule Announced

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The Pope will be back for a crucial late September series.

Teams across the league announced their preliminary 2013 schedules today. Here is the Nationals schedule. It’s a big change from past years thanks to the Astros’ move to the AL, since there will be an interleague game every day of the year. I don’t like it, it’s immoral. We can’t have this mixing of leagues taking over more than it has. What’s next? American League-Atlantic League exhibitions? That is just disgusting to imagine.

The Nats open at home vs. the Marlins on April 1st. A fitting date for the Marlins to come to town, given that the Marlins fooled the entire league into thinking they would contend so they could get a stadium. Hilarious!

Interleague comes to Washington in just the second week of the season as the White Sox will be here. Who will Obama root for? He’s been so confused in the past. I guess there’s always a chance he could be bi.

One of the coolest things in the schedule is a home-home series vs. the Orioles at the end of May. They play two in DC and then two in Baltimore. Could it be a rematch of the World Series? Hahaha. Wait, I forgot that’s not a joke I can make anymore. Yes, it quite possibly could.

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I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot¬†Moore¬†of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

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I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

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Nats Encounter Terrible Time in Arizona, Odd Because They Aren’t All Hispanic

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John MacDonald has some fun playing soccer. With a bat. He is not bright. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 7, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Cesar Izturis: 1-1, 1 2B, 2 R. Cesar is now 2-2 with 4 runs as a National. You may ask, why all the runs with so few at bats? And I say, bad pre-game Mexican food.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, 1 E. Suzuki turned in another 0-for-4 performance, coupled with his first error as a National. He had committed many errors in Oakland however, including making himself seem valuable in some way to the Nationals.

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Ross Detwiler was sick tonight. No, he didn’t have nasty stuff. He was sick. No, he didn’t do something gross like poop in his glove and then use it. He was sick. No, he wasn’t spelled incorrectly and quoted. He was sick. He just didn’t feel well. And that showed on the mound. In more ways than just the mound being covered in sniffles and vomit. For every runner Detwiler allowed, he also gave up an earned run. Which would’ve been fine if he didn’t allow any runners. But he did. So that’s bad.

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Harry Reid Quotes Bryce Harper in Press Conference

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A meeting of two of the most influential men in Washington. Interrupted by Harry Reid. (Not shown is Barack Obama having been thrown to the ground so Reid could smell Harper more closely).

While speaking to reporters on Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid replied to a question in a way that Bryce Harper recently made famous. Either in response to a silly inquiry by a normal man or a normal inquiry by a man with a big red nose and makeup (I’m not sure which), Reid replied, “I don’t want to answer that question, that’s a clown question, bro.” The reply by Reid drew laughs from the crowd, but attacks from the Clown Anti-Defamation League who are sick of these attacks from these men. “So what if they’re clown questions? They still deserve the same rights as other questions, especially the right to be answered!” said clown civil rights leader Martin Luther *Honk Honk*, Jr.

Reid has expressed his fandom of the fellow Nevada-born Harper in the past. But he is not the first senator to quote a favorite baseball player and fellow state citizen. Below or some examples of past instances.

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