Tag Archives: Barry Bonds

Nationals Sign Tyler Herron


He is thrilled to join our organization.

The Nats have brought in Tyler Herron on a minor league contract. Once a first round pick, Herron has put up decent numbers over the course of 7 seasons in the minors and independents. His last name is also one letter away from being the word for a large wading bird. I am unsure of which is the more notable thing about him.

He spent last year with the Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks of the American Association of Independent Baseball. Obviously he couldn’t cut it in such a high-quality league, which is understandable. I mean Barry Bonds, Derek Jeter, Mike Piazza, none of these men found success in the American Association. Tyler simply couldn’t handle it, and now has to settle for playing for Major League organizations once again. Poor Tyler.

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Roger Clemens is Back in “Baseball”


An up-to-date photo of Roger.

Roger Clemens has signed with the independent league Sugar Land Skeeters, and will likely pitch this Saturday. People are unsure as to why Clemens, 50, is making a comeback at this time. Is it for publicity? Is it for a comeback? Or is it cause he needs to be around people to help chew his food for him so he can swallow it?

It’s exciting to see Roger Clemens back in baseball. Apparently he was throwing 87 mph, which makes him much too good for the independent leagues, so he will likely succeed.

People are curious as to if Clemens wants to make a major league comeback, if only briefly, to reset his Hall of Fame chances. He’s currently grouped in with a class that includes Barry Bonds and other players suspect for their steroid use. By playing professional ball again, he could delay his potential induction by a few years, and perhaps sneak his way in. If not, he could just actually sneak his way in and hold up a handmade plaque around his face during visiting hours.

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Friars, Friars, Douse Nats’ Fire: Padres Split Series, Funds with Ex-Wife


Will Venable realizes that no matter how close to the cycle he gets, nobody wants to high five his strangely stick hands. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Padres 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce Harper fans must be shitting themselves uncontrollably due to excitement or too many laxatives. With his second home run in as many days, Bryce seems on pace to break Bonds’ record in around 5-6 seasons. I think it’s safe to guarantee over 3000 HR for this young man’s career. You can quote me on that. Please however stop quoting me on when I said, “This is Cristian Guzman’s world and we’re all just living in it.” I highly regret that.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 5 K. Strasburg did not have a lucky day. The first batter of the game hit a double to center that dropped between three Nationals fielders. Then rain came out of nowhere making the ball slippery and causing him to miss spots. Then he stepped in dog (Detwiler?) poop. Then he got rejected from his safety schools. Then his Pokemon Gold file was deleted. Then his voice cracked while talking to a girl. And most unlucky of all, he was relieved by Tom Gorzelanny.

Today’s game got off to a bad start. In the first inning, Strasburg was missing his spots, his teammates were missing easy outs, and the Padres were scoring runs, three things that are very strange to see. Before the top of the first could even come to a close, rain come out of nowhere and caused an 8 minute delay. Some would say the rain was just a natural occurrence, but I know that God was weeping for Stephen. It’s hard for anyone to watch such a talented player get beat by a AAAA team. Today’s outburst of rain proves that God is a Nats fan and that…wait…if God likes the Nats, why is Danny Espinosa in the lineup? And why is Sean Burnett pitching in save situations? And why is Tom Gorzelanny? God works in mysterious ways.

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