Tag Archives: Bartolo Colon

Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:


Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

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K-9: Strasburg Fetches Us a Win, Even with Neutering Soon to Come


“So you’re telling me that even if I use this arm they won’t let me pitch past September 12th?” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Cardinals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Push it to the innings limit. Innings limit! Past the point of no return. You’ve reached the top, but now you’re gonna learn that this is a very bad idea. Paul Engemann wrote the song well before he knew that the Nats would be preventing more starts like this. I think he should amend those lyrics.

Shame of the Game:

Lance Lynn: Loss, 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER. Cards fans must be experiencing Lynnsanity! Sadly, this spelling of the affliction suggests severe depression as opposed to excitement.


The Nationals are safe for 20 more years. Safe from being as pitiful as the 1993-2011 Pittsburgh Pirates. For 19 years, the Pirates ended up below .500 season after season. From 2006-2011, the Nationals played a quality of ball very successful in imitating those 19 years in Pittsburgh. Thankfully they weren’t old enough to suck that much over and over on camera. There is an age limit for going into porn after all. But as they stood about 1/3 of the way to the record before tonight, they have to start all over again. With tonight’s win, we will not finish with a losing record this season, for the first time since the first year in Washington. In fact, we might end up with a winning record for the first time ever. Unless we lose 29 straight games. Which we can all rightfully blame on Strasburg’s innings limit. So quickly Rizzo, let’s not go ahead and do that.

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This Day in Expos History: August 24, 2002


While foes on the field, this game’s two starters often hang out off the diamond.

August 24, 2002: Montreal Expos beat San Francisco Giants 7-2.

This game was perhaps the biggest game in baseball history. No, the stakes weren’t high. Simply the cholesterol levels of the two starting pitchers. In an event that surely flattened the mound after innings of downward pressure, Bartolo Colon of the Expos faced off against Livan Hernandez of the Giants. It is fitting that Livan was a Giant. And also fitting that Bartolo was an Expo, because boy, he was a sight for all to see, in that it was hard to see around his fat.

Colon came out on top of Livan (certainly crushing his lungs), getting his 7th win of the season. Jim Brower helped relieve Colon, which took a while to complete because of how much Bartolo consumed in the pregame meal. Scott Stewart got his 17th save of the season, cleaning up at the end of the game for the Expos. This too took a while to complete because of…well you get where I’m going.

I’m going to a very gross place.

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Bartolo Colon Throws 38 Straight Strikes


It was hard to see the excitement in his eyes after leaving Montreal. Maybe cause the chins were in the way.

Former franchise star pitcher Bartolo Colon has had an impressive resurgence in his career. One of the more astounding things he did in tonight’s start for Oakland was throw 38 strikes in a row. I thought it would be a good idea to look at other things that Bartolo Colon has done 38 straight times before.

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