Tag Archives: basketball

Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One

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“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”

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The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

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Jordan Zimmermann Avoids Arbitration with Nationals

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Just like he avoids Ryan Zimmerman. But Ryan keeps trying to be his friend anyway.

Breaking news! In that I’m breaking the laws of news by claiming this to be breaking when it is in fact hours old, but please forgive me.

The Nationals and Jordan Zimmermann have avoided arbitration by agreeing to a $5.35 million 1-year deal. They have also avoided us needing to figure out how to change our url yet move all our stories over to a new one for at least another year.

Now that I know Jordan will be playing for the Nats this upcoming season without any issues, I can relax. I worried about who could be your heir, Jordan. I’m just glad that you didn’t have to take it to any court to decide the case. This re-signing is a slam dunk for the team.

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Wizards Lose Wizard Battle

This was some crazy wizbiz.

Final Score: Pacers 96, Wizards 89

Dame of the Game: The guy that brushes down the court every time someone falls over.

Shame of the Game: The kids they let play on the court at halftime seemed pretty bad.

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I went to a Washington Wizards game last night. I’m still not entirely sure why.

They certainly didn’t win. In fact, they were losing the whole time. At one point, they were almost not losing! But then they were losing again.

Very few other people made the same decision as me. I guess they knew better from past experience or something.

The crowd was either very resistant to following instructions or didn’t have tongues or hands.

Here’s my analysis of what happened: the Wizards definitely played basketball against the other team. But for all the times they got points, the Pacers got points even more times and, well, that was that. What a basket. What a ball.

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I hope you enjoyed this NBA-related post from a real basketball expert (me) and that you will continue to tune into The Zimmerman(n) Telegram for all your live up-to-the-minute all-you-need-to-know-about-hoops basketball coverage needs. 

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