Tag Archives: bathrooms

Bill Bray is Pretty Awesome, and Other Thoughts About the Marvin Miller Memorial

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What a sight. I mean, how often do you get to take a photo of people taking a photo of all these major leaguers?

I had the luck of attending the Marvin Miller Memorial in New York City on Monday night. It was a great experience, getting a chance to watch some of the most talented players of the 60s through 80s pay homage to their great labor leader. I got a chance to share my feelings about the late great Mr. Miller as well, but the person on the other end of the bathroom mirror kept talking and wasn’t really paying attention to me. Also the hand dryer kept interrupting. Very rude.

After the players spoke a reception took place, during which I was able to introduce myself to a number of players and personnel who attended the event. My thoughts about my encounters after the break.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day

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He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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Step Right Up and Sweep the Mets: Nats Have the Time of Their Lives, Mets Fans Don’t

Sean Burnett convinced Jordany Valdespin to stop moving and put his hands up because he was the police. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 11 K. If the Nats can clinch the division before Strasburg’s catches up to his innings limit, things’d be a whole lot easier. They might have to win about 20 games in a row to do that, but it’s worth a shot.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasbug: 0-3, 2 K, 4 LOB. An unacceptable performance from the best hitter on the team.

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This game was boring in a good way. The Nats won again, playing solidly all around. They got three home runs from people often associated with animals–Michael Morse (horse), Adam LaRoche (deer), and Danny Espinosa (chipmunk, by me right now). The most excitement happened when Davey Johnson made the curious decision of intentionally walking two Mets in the eight inning by bringing in Henry Rodriguez–at least I assume that was the intention, since I don’t know why else you would bring him in. Fortunately Drew Storen cleaned up the mess like he was born with a Shamwow in his hand.

Best of all was Stephen Strasburg, who turned in one of his signature performances. To celebrate his excellent start, here are some definitely true facts about Stephen presented anacrostically. Continue reading

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Bryce Harper: Range We Can Believe In

Every good candidate needs a good slogan, and we’ve found one for Bryce Harper’s campaign for the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star Team. “Range We Can Believe In” evokes both the powerful emotions that people felt during Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign and the even more powerful emotions that people feel every time they see Bryce Harper running really far to catch a baseball.

So make yard signs, bumper stickers, facebook groups, shirts. Write it in bathrooms, at the top of your PhD theses; use airplanes to write it in the sky, and massive space paint-cannons to write it on the moon. Let everyone know that they have a new reason to hope, and it’s Bryce Harper’s ability to run down balls in the gap.

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Hanging Chad: Tracy Injured, Corey Brown Called Up

Chad Tracy, before pain replaced smiles

When Corey Brown strode to the plate this afternoon with two outs and no one on in the 9th, Nationals fans everywhere were shocked and appalled. Many looked to the heavens and screeched. Many covered their eyes with a pillow and said “No no no no no no no bad bad bad bad.” Other simply went to the bathroom and never emerged. Where was Chad Tracy, who would typically pinch hit in that situation and somehow deliver a two-run game tying home run? Well, the answer is worse than could possibly be imagined. Or probably what you expected, if you’re a rational person. Chad Tracy is on the Disabled List with a pulled hamstring. I know. I know. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. IT WON’T BE OKAY I KNOW IT YOU KNOW IT EVERYONE KNOWS IT. DOOMSDAY IS UPON US. PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN THE BASEMENT AND SAY GOODBYE FOREVER.

Did Corey Brown succeed in Tracy’s absence? No, he flew out. Not surprising, since as everyone knows the Four Horsemen of the¬†Apocalypse¬†are Pestilence, War, Death, and Corey Brown Flying Out.

 

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