Tag Archives: beaches

Dominicanatrix: Puerto Ricans Are Submissive to Dominican Whipping

A smiling Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body to the left until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

An exuberant Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Puerto Rico 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Unwanted immigration from the Dominican Republic to Puerto Rico

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They just keep coming. Dominicans, pouring across home plate, pouring across the Mona Passage. No pitching, defense, or U.S. coast guard can stop them. What’s a poor Puerto Rican (Poorto Rican?) to do?

It’s not Puerto Rico’s fault that the Dominican Republic has a terrible economy and a great offense. It’s not their fault that the Dominican Republic is right next to the even worse country of Haiti and has Robinson Cano on their team to hit beautiful, beautiful home runs.

It is a little bit their fault that their starting pitcher was Orlando Roman, who has never and will never succeed in a baseball league anyone cares about. It is also a little bit their fault that they haven’t bothered to become a U.S. state so the U.S. government doesn’t care all that much how many illegal Dominicans show up on the island. But on the whole, Puerto Rico is the victim here, of the Dominican Republic’s merciless immigrants and amazing-baseball-player-producing factories.

I wish there was some way to help them, but I’m afraid it’s too late for Puerto Rico. Their normal jobs will all be taken by Dominicans, and they won’t even be able to get jobs as professional baseball players because the Dominicans will have taken all those jobs too. They are doomed to lead depressing lives of sitting on the beach doing nothing in a tropical paradise.

Tragic.

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

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The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Kurt Suzuki

Kurt Suzuki never looks anyone in the eyes because his only goal in life is to never lose a staring contest.

The Kurt Suzuki Rap (Not Very Good)

Yo

Yo yo yo yo

Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnh

My name is Kurt Suzuki
Got an arm like a bazook-I
But my bat’s more like a wet pool noodle

I love long walks on the beach
Letting out a primal screech
Scarfing down a plate of warm apple streudel

Share my last name with Ichiro
But don’t expect me to be your hero
No I don’t really deserve to be annointed

Though I might get some caught stealings
You’ll just end up with hurt feelings
And then cry yourself to sleep so disappointed Continue reading

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