Tag Archives: birthdays

“Happy” Birthday Ian Desmond

Smell yourself. You deserve it.

I hope no one made an “error” in giving you your birthday present.

By which I mean I hope no one gave you anything you like.

UPDATE: We know this was posted several minutes after the end of Ian’s actual birthday, but we’re making like his family and forgetting to wish him a happy birthday on time. –TGP

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Happy Birthday Gio Gonzalez


Gio gets a nice birthday surprise, as he lifts the brim of his cap to see that the sky exists.

Happy 27th birthday to Gio Gonzalez. There’s no better way to spend your birthday than by doing what he’s doing today. Sitting around for 7 hours or so being ignored while everyone pays more attention to those around you.

What do you get the man who already has as much as Gio? A 20th win? No, people have gotten in trouble for buying wins before. A toothbrush? No, he probably has a gold-plated one made of diamonds already. Oh I know! I’ll get him tickets to game 1 of the playoffs at Nats Park. Shame they were all sold out during this morning’s presale. Say, any of you have any extras? For Gio, of course.

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Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too¬†horrible about his start.


Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

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Edwar-ding Off The Demons: Nationals Offense Surpasses Expectations Again By Not Being No-Hit


Ian Desmond wonders if the Nationals’ “no high five” policy actually exists, or was an excuse to avoid touching him since he picks his nose a lot. (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Rockies 5.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 2 RBI. I bet Moore wished he played in Coors Moore often because he’d hit a lot Moore home runs. Moore than that, he’s driving in runs Moore consistently and proving to be a Moore valuable asset out of the bottom of the lineup than expected. What a tasty little Moore-sel Tyler has turned out to be.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 1 IP, 3 H, 2 ER, 1 K. Wang responded to his demotion to the bullpen with an effort that validated his demotion to the bullpen. Say what you want about him being bad, but I know why he did so bad. He really cares about Davey Johnson’s feelings and just wanted to make Davey feel confident in his choice. He is a very caring individual. And a very bad pitcher.


Is theft of property illegal? I hope not because I like Coors Field, and frankly, I want the Nationals to steal it. I don’t know what’s helped the Nationals offense score 23 runs these past 2 days, but I’m a fan. Maybe it’s the offensive reputation of the park, maybe it’s the terrible terrible pitching that the Rockies seem to have, or maybe we’re all in a drug-induced daze and the Nationals haven’t in fact scored 23 runs these past 2 days. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the first two, I mean they say to take two Advils for a headache, right? I did just that, two jars of Advil. And I couldn’t feel more clearheaded. Sfaoinfweiofnew buta taosdij epiear ¬†eaoirierejo :0

Continue reading

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