Tag Archives: black people

Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

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Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

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Step Right Up and Sweep the Mets: Nats Have the Time of Their Lives, Mets Fans Don’t

Sean Burnett convinced Jordany Valdespin to stop moving and put his hands up because he was the police. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 11 K. If the Nats can clinch the division before Strasburg’s catches up to his innings limit, things’d be a whole lot easier. They might have to win about 20 games in a row to do that, but it’s worth a shot.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasbug: 0-3, 2 K, 4 LOB. An unacceptable performance from the best hitter on the team.

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This game was boring in a good way. The Nats won again, playing solidly all around. They got three home runs from people often associated with animals–Michael Morse (horse), Adam LaRoche (deer), and Danny Espinosa (chipmunk, by me right now). The most excitement happened when Davey Johnson made the curious decision of intentionally walking two Mets in the eight inning by bringing in Henry Rodriguez–at least I assume that was the intention, since I don’t know why else you would bring him in. Fortunately Drew Storen cleaned up the mess like he was born with a Shamwow in his hand.

Best of all was Stephen Strasburg, who turned in one of his signature performances. To celebrate his excellent start, here are some definitely true facts about Stephen presented anacrostically. Continue reading

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Taking It On The Chen: Nats Belt Wei To Victory

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Harper and Roberts react to the single most impressive “Yo Mamma” joke of all time. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Orioles 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 6.1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 5 K. Black is back! I of course am referring to the black corners of home plate, because tonight Edwin Jackson got the close calls on the edge of the plate that he needed to turn in a very impressive pitching performance. Also Edwin Jackson is black, and was pitching again after a brief expected absence.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, 1 E. Many teams hand out an item as a reward in the clubhouse after games to the best player. The Yankees passed around a wrestling championship belt one year, and the New York Rangers hockey team passes around a fedora. The Nationals do something different, and pass around Ian Desmond’s unwashed socks to the worst player from the game. For the second straight night, Desmond has been left to deal with cold feet as Ryan Zimmerman was subject to flaky bits of fungus-y residue from Ian’s feet. Zim may have signed a big contract in the offseason, but 100 million dollars means nothing when you have to wear a bad man’s socks.

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I was really worried that the Nationals were going to feel down coming into Saturday’s game. They have lost 3 of 4 to the Orioles this season, and started the series off the wrong way. I thought they’d just all be very crabby and play bad. Well thank goodness at least we got one win today, and the only crab-related feeling that the Nationals will come out of Baltimore with is that of fullness from eating a delicious seafood dinner. Also itchiness, from the multiple groupies that they’d probably have sex with. A win in the 2nd game bodes well for a series victory, as the momentum has shifted in Washington’s favor. Let’s hope Baltimore will end up seeing red by the end of this series, hopefully a deeper shade than that on the Nationals player’s crotches caused by this crab infestation.

Continue reading

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Bryce Harper, Unwitting Subject of Article

The desert sun growing up wasn’t good on Bryce’s skin.

We forgive children when they make mistakes.  I will never forgive Mark Judge for writing “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” on the opinion page of the Daily Caller.

Remember the first truly horrible thing to happen to you?  That moment when your bubble of childhood innocence was shattered by the realization that your cousin Bart’s devotion to eating a gallon of Haagen Dasz a day was directly responsible for his premature death in the second grade?

Even if you never had a cousin who learned to roll because he could never learn to walk, you probably had such a moment—an inflection point in your life after which everything around you was just a little bit worse.  And remember what you were told? “That’s life. . .bad things happen.”

What you weren’t told, however, is that sometimes bad things are written down.  And sometimes, no one stops them from being printed.  And sometimes, you read them.

It’s times like this that I wish I could trade places with Bart.  Or at least banish Mark Judge’s “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” article into the kiddie pool we buried him in.

Well, let’s get to it.

Continue reading

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