Tag Archives: blood

Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Moore-al of the Story: Home Runs Help Get Wins

Bryce Harper practices his right-handed golf swing. I think his hands are mixed up, though. (Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 3

Dame of the Game: 

Tyler Moore: 1-1, HR, 2 RBI, R. [Bonus Moore pun] Every time Moore does something good from now on, I’m going to describe it as a “Moore-ality play.” Ideally the Nats would do the same and have him battle the seven deadly sins as he rounds the bases before being greeted happily by the Virtues as he reaches home.

Shame of the Game:

Frank Francisco: 0 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB. San Francisco’s younger brother just never could measure up. The elder sibling became a great American city, while the younger became a bad pitcher for a bad team.

——–

Davey Johnson said after last night’s game that it’s “time to be looking at magic numbers.” Now, in any other context, that would be taken as the mad ramblings of a senile old man or the drugged musings of an LSD user (or in the case of Davey Johnson, probably both). I mean, “magic numbers”? Numbers tend not to have any magical properties, for two reasons: 1) they are really just abstract concepts and thus cannot have physical properties at all that could be magical, and 2) no things actually have magical properties because magic doesn’t exist. Furthermore, the idea that one could “look at” “magic numbers–things that are not viewable and couldn’t exist even if they were–seems preposterous. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.

——–

Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,