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Nationals Sign Jerad Head

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Why show the rest of him?

We got Head! Sadly, it wasn’t of major league caliber and it cost us a couple thousand dollars. Next time I’ll find a better hooker.

The Nationals signed Jerad Head to a minor league contract. Head’s greatest claim to fame so far could be his assault of a bouncer in Akron. I’ve missed Elijah Dukes quite a bit, so I think this signing is a great one.

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For the Set of the Nats Magic Numbers, the Cardinality is One

Skip Schumaker accidentally wore a live electrical wire instead of a glove. (Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Cardinals 4

Dame of the Game:

KURT FUCKIN SUZUKI FUCK YEAH: 2-5, 2 RBI, 2 K. That is all.

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, K, BS. This is not the kind of blowing I’ve come to expect out of the Nationals bullpen.

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Despite the fact that it ended up turning into an exciting extra inning game in which Kurt Suzuki permanently raised the bar that separates the men from the “men,” this game will go down in history as the game in which Michael Morse took an imaginary swing and then trotted around the bases. And somehow it counted.

Every time I see any kind of baseball diamond I walk up to the plate, take an imaginary swing, and circle the bases. Every time I hope that my dramatic grand slam will show up on the scoreboard and go down in the baseball record books and that the hypothetical major league baseball players that I drove in will be there to congratulate me when I touch home. But it never happens. I’ve always assumed that one time in the history of the universe, that will actually work for someone. I knew it would only happen once, though. The universe is stingy with that kind of thing. Continue reading

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Erasable Pen: Relievers Relieve Nats of 9 Run Lead

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The game was delayed for a bit to clean up the mess Sean Burnett left on the mound. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.

Dame of the Game:

Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…

Shame of the Game:

Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.

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Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.

The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.

Continue reading

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