Tag Archives: boobs

DR DR, Give Me The News: Dominicans Have Bad Case of Going Undefeated, Loving You

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Sadly in modern baseball, scolding the opposing team no longer counts for 2 runs.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Netherlands 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: This family from the Netherlands trying to adjust to life in the Dominican Republic.

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Well one thing is clear for sure. Not being much does not exclude you from winning, unless of course we’re talking about a mass possession contest. In that case if you are not much, not only are you not Dutch, but you also are a failure. Despite being much and Dutch, the Dutch proved to be not much in terms of winning. Much of the fanfare about the Dutch abruptly died, as the not-so-much-Dutch Dominicans proved to be much much more than the Dutch, despite the amount of their muchness coming into question often, given their lack of Dutch-ness. Well all that ado about muchness turned out to be much ado about nothing. It is odd that something about muchness could ultimately amount to nothing, but it is the case here. The Dutch were much-Dutch, but not much of a baseball team. And for that, they lost.

But you know who are much and Dutch, much in that there are 5 of them and Dutch in that they are from the Netherlands? The Broekhuijsen family. The Broekhuijsens were a family of ex-pats who moved to the Dominican Republic in 2001. Arriving in an unfamiliar land, and lacking the support and comfort they were used to at home, was tough for this group of Dutch folks. Just like it must have been tough for the Netherlands baseball team. They were thousands of miles from home, and fitting in was hard. Whether it was because they were an unappreciated baseball squad, or because they were white, blending in well with these foreign worlds was going to be a challenge.

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Nationals Sign Dan Haren

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Taken moments after a good hand lick.

There are benefits and downsides to sleeping late. On the plus side I feel more rested, I let my sore muscles recuperate, and I spend less time awake still unable to escape the horrible thoughts of game 5 of the NLDS. The horror.

But on the downside people tend to have the nerve to move on with the world while I’m unaware of what’s going on. This morning I woke up to some news that was already hours old. That news is of course that the Nationals have signed Dan Haren to a 1 year, 13 million dollar contract, pending a physical. What am I supposed to do now? It’s hard to draw interest to a story like this when so many have already been written. I need something to attract people. Maybe a few key words will draw a new crowd in, some popular terms that many people search. I’ll just toss a few right in here:

Obama, boobs, Lindsay Lohan, Facebook, colonoscopies, alien mud men, fiscal cliff, The Hobbit, Christmas, Bryce Harper penis (according to our blog’s analytics that is a very popular search), and juice boxes.

Hopefully that gets a new crowd of people to stumble upon this story.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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An Anthropological Study of the Met Fan, Assuming There Are Any

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Oh wow, a full parking lot? Two hours before the game? Man these fans must be dedica…oh wait, that’s probably just people parking for the US Open across the street.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 3 H, 5 BB, 1 ER, 6 K. Tonight can be best described as “Gio Gone Wild.” Gio was not in a proper mindset, doing crazy things that didn’t reflect well on him. But he still gave pleasure to millions of people watching. If only he had flashed his breasts too.

Shame of the Game:

Kelly Shoppach: 0-3, 1 E. Shoppach dropped an easy foul ball by Kurt Suzuki. And you know what they say. You never give Kurt Suzuki a second chance. Unless you’re the Nationals, who gave Kurt Suzuki a second chance after Oakland. Kurt homered, and Zim did as well shortly after, as Kelly looked on regretting the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

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About two weeks ago, my writing partner took a trip to Philadelphia during which he filed this report. It was an insightful look into an unfamiliar territory, although I wouldn’t recommend looking again because some of those fans are just so grotesque. I thought it would be a fantastic idea to continue to expose our readers to fanbases they may not have seen in their own element before.

On Monday night, I went to Citi Field to see the Nationals play the Mets. I expected to see multiple signs that said “garage sale,” looking to raise funds for their losses to Bernie Madoff, but was surprisingly met by people carrying on as normal. I entered the stadium and began to take note of what I saw. My report is detailed below.

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The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T

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Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.

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I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

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Run of the Mil Victory: Brewers Put Out Most Disappointing Product Since Bud Light

Roger Bernadina finds the palm of Edwin Jackson’s hand to be extremely emotional. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Brewers 2.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 7 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 4 K; 1-2, 1 BB, 2 R. Jackson did his best Stephen Strasburg impression by being a dominating force on the mound and a threat at the plate. He also dipped his face in powdered sugar, which indeed turned out as racist as you’d imagine.

Shame of the Game:

Yovani Gallardo: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 7 ER, 6 K. Gallard’oh!

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It was almost three years ago to the day, on July 28, 2009, that the Nationals last won in Milwaukee. It had also been 79 years since a Washington baseball team was 20 games above .500. It too had been a lifetime since Tom Gorzelanny saw a woman’s breasts. Two of these streaks came to an end tonight, and let’s be honest, they were the more likely of the two to end. The Nationals finally got to Milwaukee in their own yard, which had been so hard to do before because of the distracting odor of cheese. But now, the Nationals have made Miller Park their house, which is really nice. Their other house lacked a roof, making having guests over during the rain difficult.

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Ian Desmond to the DL

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The middle of a swing, sneeze, or poop? You decide.

Some could argue that playing Ian Desmond through the injury they knew he had was a silly decision. They would be right. Ian is going to the DL with a torn oblique and will be out for quite some time. Desmond had put up fantastic numbers while being hurt though, which led many teammates to insult him and beat him with bags of balls in the hopes that additional hurt would lead to greater numbers. At least I think that was the reason. Maybe they just didn’t like him.

Corey Brown makes his return in Desmond’s absence, assuming he can get in the clubhouse door without any trouble. I doubt he’d be recognized.

Steve Lombardozzi will replace Desmond at second base for the time being, which upsets Steve to a degree considering that he doesn’t really like boobs. More of an ass man.

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