Tag Archives: Brad Lidge

Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.

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Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

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The Nationals at the Break

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This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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A Funeral Oration for Brad Lidge

Dear friends, relatives, strangers, Phillies fans, Albert Pujols, and people who only got here by googling Pericles for a high school history paper,

We gather here today to signify the passing into oblivion of a man. Not a great man. Not even really a decent man. Not the worst man, probably, but certainly not that far above the bottom of the man-barrel. You know the man as “Brad Lidge,” but to his closest friends and teammates he was known as…also “Brad Lidge.”

His closest friends and teammates were the only people who didn’t actively walk away when he moved near them.

As I’m sure you are all aware, Brad was designated for assignment by the Nationals on Sunday. Assignment to where? Maybe a prison. Maybe a black hole. Maybe a time machine to the Ice Age. No one cares.

It doesn’t even matter anymore, because Brad Lidge took matters into his own hands. As I’m sure none of you are aware, Brad was a very pious man. He believed deeply that if he could only please the deity Poseidon, he would have success on the baseball field and happiness in his life. But he was never able to find the right offering to give to his master. He tried ugly livestock, his sculpted fecal droppings, plague-ridden rodents, a mug supporting sea-ruiners, and even his own rookie card. Brad never understood why Poseidon hated all his disgusting, offensive and worthless gifts. Continue reading

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Bryce Harper, Unwitting Subject of Article

The desert sun growing up wasn’t good on Bryce’s skin.

We forgive children when they make mistakes.  I will never forgive Mark Judge for writing “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” on the opinion page of the Daily Caller.

Remember the first truly horrible thing to happen to you?  That moment when your bubble of childhood innocence was shattered by the realization that your cousin Bart’s devotion to eating a gallon of Haagen Dasz a day was directly responsible for his premature death in the second grade?

Even if you never had a cousin who learned to roll because he could never learn to walk, you probably had such a moment—an inflection point in your life after which everything around you was just a little bit worse.  And remember what you were told? “That’s life. . .bad things happen.”

What you weren’t told, however, is that sometimes bad things are written down.  And sometimes, no one stops them from being printed.  And sometimes, you read them.

It’s times like this that I wish I could trade places with Bart.  Or at least banish Mark Judge’s “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” article into the kiddie pool we buried him in.

Well, let’s get to it.

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London Lidge is Falling Down: Nats Fall to Yankees in Extras, My Fair Lady

“I love you too, ground,” whispered Moore, as his mouth became increasingly stuffed with dirt. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 5, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 3 IP, BB, 2 K. Craig showed off his Stammena in keeping the Nats alive through many an extra inning. But not even this master of endurance could pitch forever, and his departure brought us a big heaping helping of this guy:

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB, 2 K. Friday, we learned that Brad Lidge is just as bad as we remembered from before he got injured. Saturday, we learned that he is just as bad as we remembered from Friday. Who knows what new knowledge we might gain from his next appearance?

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Everyone knows that Bryce Harper’s favorite baseball team is the Yankees, a fact which is understandably concerning to fans of the team he actually plays for. Thus far this year, Harper’s Nationals have endeared themselves to every other Yankee fan, as they swept the Red Sox and have now lost both games to the Yankees. Harper himself played a major role in both series–he crushed Red Sox pitching, but has foundered against the Yankees, culminating in yesterday’s 0-7, five strikeout and game-ending-groundout master class in sucking. I’m not going to say that Bryce Harper is conspiring to make the Nationals lose to the Yankees. That would be a wild assumption based on tiny sample sizes and an ancient quote. But then again, that kind of thinking doesn’t sell blogpapers.

BRYCE HARPER: DOUBLE AGENT???

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Lidge DFA’d, Mattheus Back

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First in hurdle crawling, last in our hearts.

Brad Lidge is no more. Lidge has been DFA’d by the Nationals, which I believe stands for “Don’t Fucking Approach,” a strategy Lidge also used when it came to getting near the strikezone while pitching.

The transaction comes on Father’s Day, leaving Lidge to spend the day with his family, although I’m pretty sure they’re considering DFA’ing him as well. His daughter brought him breakfast in bed, which featured an uncooked egg and some used toilet paper to use as a napkin. “A breakfast as fulfilling as your performance,” she screamed as she hugged her father, not in an effort to show affection but rather to try and injure his internal organs so they could be rid of him.

With Lidge’s departure, Ryan Mattheus returns from the DL. Anything is better than Lidge, so I’m looking forward to Mattheus. In part cause he’s a semi-exciting player, but mostly because looking backward to Mattheus would be tough to do.

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Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

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With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

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The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win. However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

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Moore, Moore, Moore! How Do You Like Him? A Decent Amount

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Harper getting to third base and showing off his “Oh Face.” (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 2

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-4, 1 2B, 2 R, 2 HR, 5 RBI. Moore had the game of his career today and a performance that propelled the Nationals to a victory. Tyler Moore wouldn’t have played today if Adam LaRoche wasn’t a little roughed up. I would advise Adam to keep his knees away from Nats fans wielding metal pipes who want this to happen again.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Drabek: 4.1 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 2 BB, 1 K, 1 Injury. Drabek was the 2nd Jays starter this series to go out with an injury. A little suspicious, maybe the players just don’t want to face the Nationals. A fine way to trick the team into getting you out of the game, but if I didn’t want to play, I always went with the not being good enough at all approach. Of course, if I did want to play I had to settle for weeping.

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The Nationals came into Canada and beat them up worse than that time that country beat up Canada in that war which was probably not a big deal since Canada doesn’t get involved in many international conflicts in a big way. Still, the Nationals swept the Blue Jays this afternoon. Strasburg was superb as always, Stammen was thoroughly effective as always, and Lidge was dominant as never in the last 5 years. The big story was Tyler Moore though, who turned in a career performance and showed that he truly has made it after all (bum bum bum… bum!).

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Boston’s Common: Strasburg Beats Another Team, Again

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Davey Johnson decides what part of Bryce Harper he’s going to touch. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Red Sox 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper/Stephen Strasburg: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI, Win, 6 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 2 BB, 13 K. Probably the most impressive statistical line of any dame of the game to date, aside from any instance where Brad Lidge might have not given up a run, but I’m pretty sure he’s never won this award. Both Harper and Strasburg in their own unique ways were the big reasons the Nationals dominated the Red Sox tonight. I’m sure every Red Sox fan wishes they had stayed home. 19 and 23 year olds used to be a welcome site in Fenway, but Terry Francona is no longer managing so nobody really is there to greet them with pics of themselves in a towel anymore.

Shame of the Game:

The Entire Red Sox Organization. You are playing host to Bryce Harper, Stephen Strasburg and many more talented Nationals for the first time ever and you don’t roll out red carpets for them to walk to the field from the dugout? You don’t replace every scoreboard proposal message with fans begging those two players to marry them? You don’t tell Saltalamacchia to kiss Bryce’s feet every time he comes into the batter’s box? Please, next time show some respect, you filthy whore bastard bags of shit.

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It was a day of firsts. The first time Stephen Strasburg faced the Red Sox. The first time a 19-year old homered in Fenway Park in nearly 40 years. The first time Tom Gorzelanny touched a willing woman (Please don’t tell him it was a mannequin set up by the team, just for his self esteem). The Nationals trek to Fenway Park got off on a good start as all the pieces came together and a win was produced. It was really something for many players to see the Green Monster for the first time. No, I’m not talking about the wall. I’m talking about that monstrously large guy named David Ortiz, who’s obsessed with money. Why else would he get so furious about not getting his RBI if it didn’t mean a bigger payday? Padding his stats, and his waist, are things Ortiz knows well.

But let’s not focus on David Ortiz. The Nationals are the team we all care about.

Wait, hold on. I gotta cough.

*COUGH*DAVID ORTIZ IS A SELFISH JERK*COUGH*

Yes, that sounded natural.

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