Davey Johnson decides what part of Bryce Harper he’s going to touch. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
Final Score: Nationals 7, Red Sox 4.
Dame of the Game:
Bryce Harper/Stephen Strasburg: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI, Win, 6 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 2 BB, 13 K. Probably the most impressive statistical line of any dame of the game to date, aside from any instance where Brad Lidge might have not given up a run, but I’m pretty sure he’s never won this award. Both Harper and Strasburg in their own unique ways were the big reasons the Nationals dominated the Red Sox tonight. I’m sure every Red Sox fan wishes they had stayed home. 19 and 23 year olds used to be a welcome site in Fenway, but Terry Francona is no longer managing so nobody really is there to greet them with pics of themselves in a towel anymore.
Shame of the Game:
The Entire Red Sox Organization. You are playing host to Bryce Harper, Stephen Strasburg and many more talented Nationals for the first time ever and you don’t roll out red carpets for them to walk to the field from the dugout? You don’t replace every scoreboard proposal message with fans begging those two players to marry them? You don’t tell Saltalamacchia to kiss Bryce’s feet every time he comes into the batter’s box? Please, next time show some respect, you filthy whore bastard bags of shit.
It was a day of firsts. The first time Stephen Strasburg faced the Red Sox. The first time a 19-year old homered in Fenway Park in nearly 40 years. The first time Tom Gorzelanny touched a willing woman (Please don’t tell him it was a mannequin set up by the team, just for his self esteem). The Nationals trek to Fenway Park got off on a good start as all the pieces came together and a win was produced. It was really something for many players to see the Green Monster for the first time. No, I’m not talking about the wall. I’m talking about that monstrously large guy named David Ortiz, who’s obsessed with money. Why else would he get so furious about not getting his RBI if it didn’t mean a bigger payday? Padding his stats, and his waist, are things Ortiz knows well.
But let’s not focus on David Ortiz. The Nationals are the team we all care about.
Wait, hold on. I gotta cough.
*COUGH*DAVID ORTIZ IS A SELFISH JERK*COUGH*
Yes, that sounded natural.