Tag Archives: Bud Selig

2012 MLB Draft Begins Tonight


Bud Selig, attempting to draft himself to the Nationals in 2009.

In just a matter of minutes, at 7PM, the 2012 MLB Amateur Draft will begin. For the first time since 2006, the Nationals do not have a top 10 pick, as they will be picking tonight at number 16. Shucks, why’d the team have to get good? Now I have to wait longer to see them draft a potential bust of a prospect? The curse of being one of the best teams in baseball…

Let’s quickly look back at the first pick from previous drafts from the Washington Nationals, with my thoughts on each:

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Eighteenth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. New York Mess (That’s right, I went there)


The tears of the pessimistic Mets fans in the upper deck forced the game to be played under poor conditions.

The Nationals were embarrassed today as they lost 2-0 to the New York Mets. I suppose the Mets’ settling of their impending court case inspired the team to do well. In reality, while things look good on the legal and baseball fronts now, soon fans will realize that nothing is better, as they’ll be reminded that the Mets are still in financial turmoil and that no matter how much you beg, you cannot trade 4 spring training wins for 1 regular season win. No, not even a single run.

The Nationals’ story of the day was Stephen Strasburg, who turned in a solid outing, allowing three baserunners and a run in five innings, after multiple poor showings this spring. After this successful performance by Strasburg and the realization that he is indeed still fantastic, each team released an official memo to their fans entitled “The Dream is Over.”

Selig is insisting that teams play out the season however, despite it seeming like a formality at this point.

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Sixth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis College of Cardinals

Jason Motte used his World Series bonus to buy himself larger cheeks.

There are many things of which there are none in baseball. There is no crying in baseball. There is no clock in baseball. There are no women in baseball. There are no Arabs in baseball. There is no nudity in baseball, sadly. But perhaps the most important axiom in baseball–nay, in the entire English language–nay, in the history of communication–is that there are no ties in baseball.

Yet in the baseball game that took place today between the Nationals and the Cardinals, the outcome was a tie.* How did this happen? Was it because it was just a spring training game and no one cared who won? Or was it because this was a game between two teams that had reached the absolute pinnacle of baseball ability such that their perfected talents would eternally cancel each other out and prevent the game from ever being resolved? The answer is yes. Both of these. For when Carlos Maldonado hit a two-run homer off Lance Lynn to tie the game at 3 with no outs in the bottom of the ninth, everyone watching knew: this was a game that would not end, could not end, without being stopped short.

*The most notable previous exception to this rule was the 2002 All-Star Game, declared a tie after 11 innings by Commissioner Bud Selig. The occasion was later immortalized in legendary rock band Paulman Berg’s epic ballad, The Night We All Kissed Our Sisters.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Wilson Ramos

Wilson Ramos, in the throes of Stockholm Syndrome

Dear Miz Maria mom of Wilson Ramos who once upon a time pulled him out of her Big Belly, Miz Ladysmoocher ladysmoocher of Wilson Ramos, Mistr. Brud Selig commisioner of Wilson Ramos, Mistr. Tom Gorzelony ugly pity-friend of Wilson Ramos, and Mstr. Dave E. Jonson manager and grandpa of Wilson Ramos,

WE HAVE NAPPED WILSON RAMOS YOUR BEST CATCHER AND HE IS IN OUR HOUSE. Yes that is right Wilson Ramos your best catcher is sitting in this room crying softly wishing he were not here. BUT HE IS HERE. Yes please you must give us all our demands or you will never see Wilson Ramos your best catcher again. HERE ARE OUR DEMANDS

1. Please give us $$$$$4(four)00(hundred) $$$$$(dollars)

2. Please give us seasonal tickets to the U.S. WASHINGTON NATIONALS games in seats with a good view

3. Please do not say bad things about us to anyone

4. Please say to Wilson Ramos we are sorry and we did not mean it and we think he is your best catcher


Do not worry Wilson Ramos is doing fine we feed him and we gave him a Game Boy Color to keep him fun but he says it has no batteries.

Most sinerecestly, your best venezuela fans GO NATS

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