Tag Archives: bullpen romance

Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration

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Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that thezimmermantelegram.wordpress.com has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

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Tom Gorzelanny Not Tender Enough

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Ladies.

Like John and Jesus before him, Tom Gorzelanny has been non-tendered by the Nationals. This is a huge loss. Not for the team, longmen can be easily replaced. But for us, here on this blog. All kidding aside, Tom was a decently valuable piece of the Nationals pen this year. But with kidding considered, Tom was a hugely valuable source of jokes for this blog in the past year.

We had our fun with Davey Johnson being old, and Tyler and Drew’s bullpen romance. But no jokes were quite as common and as powerful as those about Tom Gorzelanny’s attractiveness. It’s easy to be witty and come up with good clever satire. But to make constant jokes about someone’s physical appearance, well, that’s the sign of a true comedic genius. But now, without Tom’s inspiration to repeat the same joke a dozen times a week, what are we to do? Come up with thoughtful, clever comments? Ha, I’ll have you know that I come from the comedy school of Dat Phan and would never think of such a thing.

For all that Tom gave us, I feel it is right to give him a proper sendoff. Good luck, Tom. Good luck finding a new team that sees the potential you have. I know it might be tough, given nobody really wants to look at you that closely. But if you’d like, I’ll give you a recommendation. Just please use the phone and don’t show up at my house like that one time. I know it was Halloween, but that’s still no excuse to be that terrifying.

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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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Ross the Dross: Nats Remain Short of Division Title with Addition of Bad Pitching

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I’m fine with Kurt Suzuki having a foot fetish, but I’d rather he keep it private. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: .1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Good job relieving Wang. Not many people on this team are willing to help out other guys by doing that, most of them are more interested in girls.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 2.1 IP, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 R (3 ER), 3 K. A Missouri native, Ross was certainly excited about starting his home state. Sadly he was so excited that he was finished way too early.

———-

*Bell ringing*

Teacher: Alright class, now take your seats. I heard you’ve been having a little bit of trouble becoming division champs, so I was asked by Mike Rizzo to teach you some math. Now I know what some of you are saying. What does being good at division have to do with winning your division? Well, they involve the same word. And that’s how English works, right? I don’t know, I’m a math teacher. Let’s begin. We’ll start with attendance. Jayson?

Werth: Here.

Teacher: Hi Jayson, nice to meet you. Gio?

Gio: Here.

Teacher: Nice to meet you as well, Gio. Tom?

Gorzelanny: Here.

Turning head towards Tom.

Teacher: Hi Tom, it’s great t-AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT? Ok, um, let’s just skip introductions and move onto the division.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

———-

The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

———-

We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

——–

14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream. Continue reading

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This Actually Exists

This video of four members of the Nationals bullpen reading passages from Fifty Shades of Grey is funnier than anything I could possibly say about it. Baseball players need to spend more of their time doing things like this.

It would only be slightly more perfect if it were Clippard and Drew Storen staring longingly at each other. Oh well. I guess they have to save that for a more private setting.

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