Tag Archives: bullpen sex

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

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For the Set of the Nats Magic Numbers, the Cardinality is One

Skip Schumaker accidentally wore a live electrical wire instead of a glove. (Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Cardinals 4

Dame of the Game:

KURT FUCKIN SUZUKI FUCK YEAH: 2-5, 2 RBI, 2 K. That is all.

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, K, BS. This is not the kind of blowing I’ve come to expect out of the Nationals bullpen.

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Despite the fact that it ended up turning into an exciting extra inning game in which Kurt Suzuki permanently raised the bar that separates the men from the “men,” this game will go down in history as the game in which Michael Morse took an imaginary swing and then trotted around the bases. And somehow it counted.

Every time I see any kind of baseball diamond I walk up to the plate, take an imaginary swing, and circle the bases. Every time I hope that my dramatic grand slam will show up on the scoreboard and go down in the baseball record books and that the hypothetical major league baseball players that I drove in will be there to congratulate me when I touch home. But it never happens. I’ve always assumed that one time in the history of the universe, that will actually work for someone. I knew it would only happen once, though. The universe is stingy with that kind of thing. Continue reading

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

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We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Paul-Bearer of Bad News: Maholm Tries Carrying Dead Team but Drops Them (Continued)

And we’re back. The umpires have determined the skies to be clear for long enough for us to get the rest of this post in, so let’s get going.

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