Tag Archives: butts

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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Nats Select Jake Johansen in Draft

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Johansen tenses up, worried that his friends are all criticizing his butt.

The Nationals have selected Jake Johansen with their first selection in the draft, at 68th overall. If this is what being a good team involves, waiting nearly 5 hours to make your pick, then I’ll go back to sucking, thank you very much.

Johansen has a fastball that can reach the high 90s, and projects as a possible power arm in the pen. I can’t remember the last time a righty in the pen who throws 99mph did something to hurt us, so this is a great pick. Of course, I have amnesia, and can’t remember what happened earlier this week.

We have to be careful not to confuse Jake Johansen with Jake Johannsen, a comedian. If they turn out similar, it could be bad. Johannsen had a standup special called This’ll Take About an Hour. If Johansen starts having innings like that, I will not be laughing. Of course I have a very high standard for humor, so I probably wouldn’t be laughing at Johannsen either. If its not Carrot Top, it ain’t worth my time.

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Puerto Beacon: Late Inning Rally Guides Italy Out of Tournament

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A Puerto Rican player realizes he just missed the chance to touch his butt to another man’s butt. How sad.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, Italy 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Corsican Immigration to Puerto Rico.

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In the early 19th century, Spain grew fearful of a rebellion in their remaining Caribbean colonies, which included Puerto Rico. In the early 21st century, the WBC organizers grew fearful of a rebellion against the WBC. Both governing bodies decided that a jolt was needed to reinvigorate that which could soon slip away from them. The answer in each event was to invite a bunch of Europeans to come on and join the party, which in both cases (the only two times in history) did not lead to a weird discotheque-themed orgy.

Through the Royal Decree of Graces, Spain invited non-Spanish European Catholics to emigrate to Puerto Rico, while through e-mail or something more modern, WBC organizers invited the UK, France, etc. to join their quadrennial event.

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Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

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On the Road to the Playoffs, TomTom Directs Us Towards a Win

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With all eyes on the screen, Tyler realizes that nobody will notice if he takes a quick peek at Chad Tracy’s butt. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals STILL DIVISION CHAMPS (otherwise known as 4), Phillies 2.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 BB. An Adam Bomb clearly went off tonight. How else would you explain the severe physical deformities of the Phillies fans present? …Huh? Cheese whiz, you say?

Shame of the Game:

Josh Lindblom: Loss, 1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. With performances like these I would say that the Phillies got the worse end of the Shane Victorino trade. But then I remember they sent Shane Victorino far away, so they clearly won.

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Tom Gorzelanny is like the ugly duckling. After months of us making fun of him for how he looked, he showed up today and put together a solid start to set the Nationals on the right track for Tuesday’s game. I’m more willing to accept him now. Sadly for him, he’s not exactly like the ugly duckling, in that his looks are still subpar. Replacing Gio in a spot start is a tough task, especially when you’ve got something weird going on with your mouth like Tom does. But he shone bright. We’d recommend you not look directly at him though. Because he’s shining so bright of course… Ok, I lied, it’s cause of something else.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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Drawing Stras: Short One Means Tall Pitcher, Marlins Get It

It lingered. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 1

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 H, BB, 6 K; 1-2, 2 RBI, R. Strasburg’s continued offensive success has gone from being humorous to being a statistical anomaly to being downright unsettling, in a creepy, paranormal activity kind of way. The mere fact that he’s hitting .343 in August makes me more likely to believe in ghosts.

Shame of the Game:

Justin Ruggiano: 0-4, 2K. Serves him right for continuing to have a better OPS than Stephen Strasburg. The nerve!

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Ah, to be young and Stephen Strasburg. To feel impervious to death, to feel like nothing can hurt you, no matter what you do. For most young people who think this, they are dangerously wrong. But for Stephen Strasburg, he’s pretty much right, dangerously so for everyone else in his way. The Marlins tried to stand in his way Sunday, or at least near his way. Then they lost. The Marlins are also young, but unlike Strasburg, they are actually mortal.

The one offensive bright spot for the Marlins was Jose Reyes, who was able to extend his hitting streak to 24 games despite facing someone who’s probably doesn’t even operate on his same plane of existence. Reyes doesn’t have have the greatest grasp of the subtleties of the English language, however, so when he was informed that he was on a “hitting streak” he immediately disrobed and ran around slapping everyone in sight.

Drew Storen earned his first save of the season with a scoreless 9th inning. It seems that Davey Johnson is now alternating closing duties between Clippard and Storen, which makes any Tippeca-Drew and Tyler Too 8th and 9th inning combination unlikely. It’s fine to keep this closer primary going for a while, but eventually a nominee needs to be chosen. They’ll inevitably end up being on the same ticket eventually–at some point the Nationals party just needs pick one for the top spot, lest Natstown be rent in twain by a nasty primary process.

The whole team needs to come together and keep their eyes on the real prize. The Rolaids Relief Man award, of course.

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Nats Activate Werth, Send H-Rod to DL

Today was a big day, as Jayson Werth made his return from the DL with a wrist injury. It was a stressful time on the DL for Werth, as he couldn’t lower his stress level about not playing since that’s the wrist he uses to masturbate. Now that he’s healthy, we can all expect clogged bases thanks to his high on base, and clogged toilets thanks to his re-discovered passion.

With this move, we say goodbye to a freshly injured Henry Rodriguez. Although this goodbye will be very terse, and without drawn out talks or hugs, because I’m honestly not too troubled to see him go. There’s a saying, “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away.” The former does not really apply to Henry, but his butt does look really good in baseball pants.

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Ian Desmond to the DL

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The middle of a swing, sneeze, or poop? You decide.

Some could argue that playing Ian Desmond through the injury they knew he had was a silly decision. They would be right. Ian is going to the DL with a torn oblique and will be out for quite some time. Desmond had put up fantastic numbers while being hurt though, which led many teammates to insult him and beat him with bags of balls in the hopes that additional hurt would lead to greater numbers. At least I think that was the reason. Maybe they just didn’t like him.

Corey Brown makes his return in Desmond’s absence, assuming he can get in the clubhouse door without any trouble. I doubt he’d be recognized.

Steve Lombardozzi will replace Desmond at second base for the time being, which upsets Steve to a degree considering that he doesn’t really like boobs. More of an ass man.

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Miami’s Vice: Not Scoring Runs

Bryce Harper and Steve Lombardozzi really wanted people to know that they do NOT enjoy touching each other. The ladies doth protest too much, methinks. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, BB, 7 K; 1-1, R, BB. The last time I took a quick look at Strasburg’s hitting, he was rather absurdly 4th in the league in OPS for people with at least his number of plate appearances. Just thought I’d give you a quick update: he has now moved up to 3rd in all of baseball. Figured you’d want your day to be a little more confusing.

Shame of the Game:

Ricky Nolasco: 5.1 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 2 K. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m gonna guess that Ricky’s last name is a shortened version of an old family company called ‘N Ol’ Ass, Co. Which was probably not successful. Like this start.

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Sunday was Star Wars day at Marlins Park, which included your average Star Wars day festivities like Darth Vadar throwing out the first pitch. But if the Marlins were trying to be the Rebel Alliance, then this battle was more Hoth than Endor. Worse than that, even–Stephen Strasburg and the Nats bullpen didn’t let the Marlins take down one single AT-AT in the 4-0 shutout. Hopefully, this resulted in Ozzie Guillen being frozen in carbonite after the game.

Why am I so keen on seeing Guillen in a perpetual state of terror, mouth agape but no words able to emerge? On Sunday, he directed his particular brand of bad-word-ridden, borderline-psychotic nonsense at the Nationals, specifically one Bryce Harper. Apparently, Guillen decided that Harper had applied pine tar slightly too far up his bat and notified the umpires, who told Harper to change bats. Then, Guillen began complaining about “something” that Harper did with his bat the next time he was up, but he “didn’t want to tell” us what it was. I guess there are several possibilities: Continue reading

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