Tag Archives: cancer

Matt Skole Wins SAL MVP


The awards are not as fancy as they used to be.

Nationals prospect Matt Skole has won the South Atlantic League MVP. He follows in the footsteps of people such as Marcus Giles, Ruben Rivera, and Scott Seabol. These footsteps are often wet and muddy, due to the tears these players cried over their failing careers.

Skole had spent most of the season with the Hagerstown Suns before a recent promotion to Potomac. Winning the award for his efforts in Hagerstown, I guess you could say that Skole was the league’s favorite Sun. All of the other Suns aren’t sure what they could’ve done to make the fatherly league officials prouder, since they can’t reasonably use the excuse, “Well maybe if you played sports like your brother!”

Matt Skole has done well in his brief time in Potomac and will hopefully continue to climb the ranks. I know the chewing tobacco companies hope that he makes it big. Just imagine the advertising opportunities! “Skole Brand Skoal.” Just imagine the cancer opportunities!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured? Carlos Maldonado Injury Edition


In deep thought about how to get injured if he ended up on the Nationals.

Carlos Maldonado is injured and going to the DL. It’s time for another edition of “Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured?”

Jesus Flores: He seems healthy, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dead as we speak.

Carlos Maldonado: Apparently it’s nothing too bad. I think that’s what doctors say when cancerous patients come to them to get checked for just a head cold.

Jhonatan Solano: The only Nationals catcher to escape injury so far this season. You know what they say about injury, though. If you’re a Nationals catcher, you will get injured. It’s not a graceful saying or anything, it’s true though.

Keep tuning in to find out if our catchers go down with violent injuries.

Tagged , , , ,

Elvin Ruins: A Crumbling Ramirez, All That Remained of a Once-Great Met Bullpen, Falls to Nats in 12th

“Was the fifth bucket of gatorade really necessary, Mike?” (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Mets 6

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-7, 2 RBI, 2K, walk-off single in 12th. It would have been Harper’s first career walk-off, except that Bryce Harper doesn’t walk off. He ¬†sprints off. Actually, he sprints everywhere. That serves him well on the baseball field, but it does tend to piss everyone off when he attends a Walk for Breast Cancer event.

Shame of the Game:

Jordany Valdespin: 2-4, HR, 2 R, RBI, K, 2 E. There was a lot of shame to go around this game, and there are many potential Shame of the Game winners who I hate to deprive of their rightful disgrace. But Valdespin’s two 10th inning errors, including a booted double play ball that would have won the Mets the game, easily wins the “most hilariously, predictably Met thing to do” award.


The Nationals used a time-honored strategy of Met-beating on Tuesday night: “get behind and wait for the Mets to mess up.” It worked to perfection. After going up 3-0 early, the Nationals dutifully let the Mets take the lead three times. The first two times, the Mets only messed up enough to let the Nationals tie the game, but the third time was the “charm.” I put charm in quotes because I don’t believe in magic or superstition. I just believe in the natural law of the universe that the longer you keep playing the Mets, the higher the probability that they’re going to fuck everything up in hilariously catastrophic and soul-crushing-to-their-fans fashion. By the time the Elvin Ramirez delivered his 47th pitch of the inning to Bryce Harper with the bases loaded in the 12th, that probability had crossed the threshold to absolute inevitability. Sure, it’s easy to say that events were inevitable after they happened, but really. The Mets were always going to lose last night in a way that was funny and bad.¬† Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Roger Bernadina

Roger Bernadina needs a deadlier nickname.

Roger Bernadina, through the efforts of some enterprising and right-thinking Nats fans, has earned the nickname “the Shark” or “Sharkadina” for his abilities at tracking down baseballs in the outfield and subsequently tearing them to shreds with his teeth. Sadly, however, Bernadina has yet to put together the breakout offensive season that many Nats fans have hoped for. The problem may be that while sharks seem dangerous, fatalities due to shark attacks are actually extremely rare. In fact, there is only an average of about one shark-related death in the U.S. per year.

In order to inspire Roger to greater fearsomeness and offensive productivity, it may be time to give him a nickname that’s really dangerous. There are many things that kill more people than sharks which Roger could be nicknamed after. Here are some possible nicknames, along with home run calls that could accompany them: Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,