Tag Archives: Carlos Beltran

Santo Sabado: Saturday’s Game Enlightens Us All About Semifinal Seeding

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The players find it hilarious that all of Jose Reyes’s teeth fell out. But how will he chew? Not so funny when you consider that issue.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 2, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The tourism battle between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.

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When you’re thinking of a nice Caribbean vacation, you’d probably consider going to either the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico. Just like baseball. When you’re thinking of good baseball, you’d probably consider either the Dominican Republic or the USA. I mean Puerto Rico, which is kind of the USA anyway.

The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are the two most visited vacation destinations in the Caribbean. Source: Wikipedia said that in a sentence and fact checking is boring, so lets go with it. Puerto Rico has historically been on top, but the Dominican surely wants to be recognized as number one. I’m surprised they aren’t already, as Jose Lima’s gravesite should be a pilgrimage for any baseball fan from the 90s, much like Mecca.

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A Spainful Defeat: Another Colony Gets Revenge on the Motherland

Puerto Rico got a little help from @Teddy26Nats

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Spain 0

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Spanish-American War

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Puerto Rico was one of the last Caribbean colonies that Spain was able to clutch on to with its siesta-taking tentacles. The Puerto Rican independence movement started hitting the big time in 1868, when the island first revolted against Spanish rule. And then immediately lost against some lackluster Spanish militia. Poor Puerto Rico.

Fortunately for the rich port-ers, they got some help from a friendly neighbor in 1898 in the form of the United Fucking States. While the U.S. didn’t decisively take Puerto Rico militarily, Spain did cede the island in the 1898 Treaty of Paris, in which the Spanish admitted to having lost the war pretty badly.

Puerto Rico was free! By which I mean they were American, not independent. But aside from the freedom, the best part about being American was that Puerto Rico could start learning new things at which to beat the Spanish. Continue reading

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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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A Minor Catastrophe: Nats Get Swept by Braves

The game is so depressing that Ian Desmond tries to strangle himself. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game: 

Chad Durbin: 1 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 1 K. Just in case this is the last time I get to say it this year…Dur.

*sniffle*

Bin.

Shame of the Game: 

Mark DeRosa: 0-1. What is he still doing here? Did we just forget he was on the team because he’s so boring? Who was supposed to get this at-bat? Are we sure they’re still alive?

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Baaaaa-ba-da-ba-BA-BAAAA

Jon Miller: Welcome to Sunday Night Baseball. I’m Jon Miller, and this is my partner Joe-

Joe Morgan: Joe Mogrom.

Miller: Morgan.

Morgan: Mortgage.

Morgan: Joe Morgan.

Miller: Tonight, divisional rivals Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves battle it out in a potential playoff preview. These are two great teams–what do you think is the key to the game, Joe?

Morgan: Well, Gio Gonzalez has a chance to get his 20th win tonight. That would really put him strongly in Cy Young contention. And if he does that, I think the Nationals might have a real shot in the playoffs with a 20 game winner on their staff.

Miller: Great point, Joe. Alright, let’s get to the starting lineups. Leading off for the Nationals, Carlos BelTRAN.

Morgan: That’s not Carlos Beltan, that’s Jayson Werth.

Miller: What? Oh, yeah. Batting second… Continue reading

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