Tag Archives: Carlos Ruiz

They’re Not Werthy: Phillies on Brink of Elimination As Nats Gas ‘Em

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Sorry Bryce and Jayson, but Carlos has to be between you two for you to perform an “Eiffel Tower” properly. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Phillies 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 1 R, 1 3B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. Bryce got the two hardest parts of a cycle to get tonight. Hardest because they are the most difficult athletically, and also getting to third and home is a little more arousing than getting to the prior bases.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Kendrick: Loss, 2 IP, 5 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. Can drick. Can’t pitch.

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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

The sound torments Jayson. A constant barrage of this guttural tone echoes in his ear every time he returns to his old home. Although it’s hard to imagine he ever called this place home. Home is somewhere you can find comfort. All he finds here anymore is…

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

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I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

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Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

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The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

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Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.

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The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air. Continue reading

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