Tag Archives: Chad Tracy

Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

NatsTown, Episode 1: The Dirt Stained Jersey

Image

A promotional cast photo.

The clubhouse. The Nationals players enjoy a post-game meal. Davey Johnson enters. He approaches Chad Tracy.

Davey: Chad, I need to see you in my office.

Chad’s laughter is now silent, as the rest of the players look on nervously.

Chad gets up from his chair and follows Davey to his office. The door shuts behind them.

Davey: Have a seat.

Chad: What’s going on, skip?

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

Image

They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

———-

I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Zimmerman and Tracy Undergo Arthroscopic Surgery

Image

Ryan’s was to take care of that bad underbite.

Two Nationals underwent arthroscopic surgery on Thursday. It can be certainly be scary when our franchise player undergoes any sort of surgery, but it seems that Chad Tracy will end up just fine.

Oh yeah, Ryan too.

Zimmerman underwent surgery on his shoulder which had plagued him for much of the season. However he excelled after getting cortisone shots throughout the year. I don’t know if the surgery was necessary, I think living on the edge of something severe was working well for Ryan. As long as he could just get a shot and make things better. Much like the many people having unprotected sex throughout the 60s.

Ryan is expected to recover in 6 weeks, which is good for him. With the pain of blowing the NLDS surely to stick around long after then, he will finally be able to lift his arm to his face without pain to wipe away the tears. Physical pain that is. The emotional scarring will last forever.

Chad is expected to make a full recovery from surgery on his knee by spring training. Again, why fix it? Having bad knees has worked well for pinch hitters in the past.

Tagged , , , ,

NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

Image

“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On the Road to the Playoffs, TomTom Directs Us Towards a Win

Image

With all eyes on the screen, Tyler realizes that nobody will notice if he takes a quick peek at Chad Tracy’s butt. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals STILL DIVISION CHAMPS (otherwise known as 4), Phillies 2.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 BB. An Adam Bomb clearly went off tonight. How else would you explain the severe physical deformities of the Phillies fans present? …Huh? Cheese whiz, you say?

Shame of the Game:

Josh Lindblom: Loss, 1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. With performances like these I would say that the Phillies got the worse end of the Shane Victorino trade. But then I remember they sent Shane Victorino far away, so they clearly won.

———-

Tom Gorzelanny is like the ugly duckling. After months of us making fun of him for how he looked, he showed up today and put together a solid start to set the Nationals on the right track for Tuesday’s game. I’m more willing to accept him now. Sadly for him, he’s not exactly like the ugly duckling, in that his looks are still subpar. Replacing Gio in a spot start is a tough task, especially when you’ve got something weird going on with your mouth like Tom does. But he shone bright. We’d recommend you not look directly at him though. Because he’s shining so bright of course… Ok, I lied, it’s cause of something else.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kyle’s Team is a Big Fat Bitch, it’s the Biggest Bitch in the Whole Wide League

Image

Tyler Moore happily trots away after kicking Kyle Kendrick in the nuts. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-1, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Tyler was the only National who seemed to think scoring was an appealing idea. I didn’t know this was a team of eunuchs. Although I assumed Gorzelanny might have just cut his off by now since nobody ever uses it.

Shame of the Game:

The MASN Broadcast. Usually a quality broadcast, I must complain that they didn’t blur out obscene content tonight. Sure there’s a lot of them, but when there’s something as shockingly grotesque as Phillies fans’ faces being shown left and right you really have to step up and censor them. Think of the children.

———-

Tonight, the Nationals came into Philadelphia and lost. I guess the phrase “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” doesn’t hold true for Nats fans. Not only because the game was depressing, but also because it took place at night and the sun isn’t there at night. I wonder what other phrases related to Philadelphia are just bald-faced lies. How about, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Hmm, no that sounds about right. I mean without incest, how would Phillies fans look so deformed.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Chad Tracy Signs One-Year Extension

Image

To celebrate, Jayson Werth attempted to gore Chad.

Chad Tracy has signed an extension. This upsets the owners of the home with said extension, who didn’t want an autograph and were wondering why he was in their back yard in the first place.

Johnson made the announcement before Friday’s game. Many reporters just grouped it with the many other senile statements that Davey regularly makes, such as “I once was a yodeler,” and, “My feet are urchins.” Luckily, Mike Rizzo burst in to the room in time to tell reporters that the signing was indeed true.

Tracy has been a valuable bat off the bench for the Nationals, with an .870 OPS through 68 PA this season. I’m sure the media and fans will pressure him to reproduce these numbers next season considering the surely monstrous deal he signed (no terms were announced). Let’s hope Chad Tracy can deal with the pressure, and come out shining like a diamond, on the diamond, with a diamond. What I’m saying is, I’m proposing to Chad Tracy with this lovely engagement ring I have. I’m sure he’ll accept.

Tagged , , , , ,

A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

——–

14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nationals Activate Tracy, Option Brown

The Nationals have brought back pinch hitter extraordinaire and star of the CBS show “Without a Tracy,” Chad Tracy. He gives the team a valuable bat off the bench, just like a batboy. He also helps the team in a bunch of ways not as widely acknowledged, just like a batboy. And he flies around at night feeding on insects, just like a normal person.

To make room for Tracy, the Nats optioned Corey Brown back to the minors. And just when I thought the team wasn’t going to make any trades, they make one with themselves. I’ve gotta be honest, I think our franchise came out on top in this one.

Tagged , , ,