Tag Archives: Chicago Cubs

Nationals Trade for Scott Hairston

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Scott tries to intimidate umpires by attempting to swallow them whole. He has yet to swallow any umpires.

The Nationals have acquired Scott Hairston from the Cubs in exchange for a currently unnamed minor-league pitcher. No, it’s not someone they haven’t announced to the public, it’s an actual person with no name. He had hoped to be drafted by the Yankees years ago, so it wouldn’t pose a problem with putting the player’s name on the back of the jersey. Unfortunately he had no such luck.

Hairston gives them a powerful right handed bat who is related to Jerry Hairston Jr. And as we all know, a team isn’t an all around force until they have someone related to Jerry Hairston Jr. He has been worth almost -1 WAR this season, so he’s probably another piece towards ensuring we never escape floating around .500.

Oddly enough, Hairston has no hair. Anywhere.

UPDATE: The pitcher the Cubs are receiving is Ivan Pineyro. He seems like a decently talented minor league prospect, plus he has hair. I don’t know why you’d trade someone with hair for someone without. You don’t want to ruin the Nationals gene pool.

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Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

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Pittsburgh, It Gets Better

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Yeah.

Pittsburgh. You did a great thing Monday night. You helped us win the NL East. I know this might feel good in a way, as it negatively impacted the Braves who had hurt you so badly in 1992. But I can still sense that even with this, you’re still depressed. 20 losing seasons is tough. To never have personal success is tough. But as a thank you for how you have helped us, I want to assure you of one thing that us in the Nationals family know to be true that can hopefully get you through this time.

It gets better.

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

———-

We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Brawl for All: Nats KO Cubs with 4th Straight Smackdown

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As benches clear and tensions rise, Ian Desmond and the ump share a passionate moment. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: Win, 7 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 ER, 9 K. Jordan has returned to form after a few starts that made Nats fans nervous. At least I think this was Jordan… It could very well be Strasburg pulling a Scooby Doo villain-like thing and wearing a very convincing mask. Well if that’s the case, I’m all for it. I’d be sure he’d get away with it too, if it wasn’t  for that meddling GM.

Shame of the Game:

Jayson Werth, for swinging at a 3-0 pitch. Honestly Jayson, how could you?! That is so terrible of you, to want more insurance runs in the middle of a game that could be tied easily. Well, easily if it were a team aside from the Cubs. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before trying to score runs. Which is a strategy that the Cubs have seemed to adopt.

———-

“You gotta fight! DUM DUM. For your right! To swing at 3-0 pitches!” – From the first draft of the Beastie Boys song, when they were still a baseball themed rap group. They realized there was no chance for being the best though, with the 1986 Mets and their rapping genius.

The only thing the Cubs are successful at is starting strange non-sensical arguments. Maybe they should all run for office as Republicans, they’d be much more successful at that. For some reason on Thursday, they took offense at Jayson Werth swinging at a 3-0 pitch with the bases loaded. Maybe they were just really concerned with balls flying in the air since so many people were on the field. You know what they say, safety first. Or in Wrigley, failure first, safety second. Thankfully for the Cubs, they came through on both ends.

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Cubbed to Death: Nats Savagely Beat Chicago With Baseball Bats

The secret to Gio’s success: a diet of only towels.

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 2 HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 2 BB. Lotta twos on that line, and only the good kind. Bryce Harper is 2 GOOD 2 BE 2RUE.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki, Michael Morse, and Jayson Werth: 0 HR last two games. C’mon, guys. You were invited to a home run party and you didn’t bring any home runs. Rude!

——–

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. I’m a pretty normal-sized man though, so I won’t. But I do believe that it’s my obligation as a Responsible Journalist to point out that two days ago, I wrote that the Nats offense was bad, bad at the very essence of its being. In the two games since I made that statement, the Nats offense has hit exactly 12 home runs. That is not bad. That is actually fairly ridiculously good.

Who are these guys, the Yankees? God I hope not. Continue reading

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25 or 11 to 5: Chicago Instrumental in Making Nats Fans Happy

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Edwin Jackson is a really entertaining juggler, even with just one ball. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Cubs 5.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 4-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 1 BB. I already knew from The Creation of Adam that Adam had a lot of muscle. I also knew he’d have to do really impressive things like this to help compensate for “down there.”

Shame of the Game:

Chris Rusin: Loss, 1 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. This performance by Rusin was really sub-carpathian-par.

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It’s not often a team throws seven pitchers out there that I’ve never heard of. Usually it only happens when watching AAA teams like the Buffalo Bisons or Houston Astros. But the Cubs joined that club tonight. I was introduced to seven pitchers who I have never heard of before tonight’s game. I know it’s bad to say this, as somebody who covers baseball, but I really just had no idea who I was watching. Even though there was one Cub who pitched in last night’s game. He was just as forgettable as our our team’s owners make our time in Montreal seem.

But as a reporter, I feel it is my duty to know who I am reporting on. That being said, I’m kind of tired and don’t really want to do much research. So here are my possibly uneducated feelings about the 7 men who pitched for the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday night. I hope they’re all accurate.

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Mountains of Det: Detwiler Towers over Cubs in Win

“Hey Adam, see those guys over there? They’re on the Cubs.” “Heh.” (Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 7 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Just in case there’s any correlation between the size of the actual national debt and the size of the National Det’s goodness, I say we start a few more wars, give universal health care and college education to everyone, and build a government-funded tower to the sun.

Shame of the Game:

The Cubs. They’re just an embarrassment to humanity.

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82 isn’t a very exciting number in most contexts. It’s a B- on a test, a mildly warm day in degrees Fahrenheit, a normal weight for an anorexic person, and a terrible speed for a major league fastball. But it does have a significance when applied to the number of wins a baseball team gets in a season. 82 is the number that differentiates the teams that succeeded more often than they failed from the teams that failed more often than they succeeded, or worse yet, the teams that succeeded and failed the same amount and thus had zero effect on the universe (lookin’ at you, ’05 Nats. Why’d you even bother?). The Nationals are now guaranteed to finish the season “at least a little bit good,” even if Stephen Strasburg decides to lock the rest of the team in a  closet for the remainder of September because he can’t stand to see them playing without him. Continue reading

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North Side Team Sends Nats Emotions South: Perfect Season Over

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Ryan Zimmerman let out a real bad fart.
(AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh)

Final Score: Cubs 4, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 6 H, 0 BB, 1 ER, 4 K, only 80 pitches. Zimmerman turned in a tremendous performance on the mound but suffered the loss, as the Cubs ended up finding more eggs in the day’s Easter egg hunt.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 0.1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 2 ER. Mattheus’ runs allowed made the ultimate difference in the game. No that’s not Easter chocolate all over. It’s Mattheus, shitting all over the game.

Easter is all about resurrection, yet the Nats failed to come back from the dead (the dead, defined as a 4-1 deficit) and win today’s game. One can argue that this was because Jesus (Flores) never pinch hit, but really the Nationals seemed overmatched the whole game. Their perfect season has come to an end. Maybe the team had given up losing for Lent and was just finally giving in to their urges after a long wait. I hope not.

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